“I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.”
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Famous Rodney Dangerfield Quotes
“My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.”
Source: It's Not Easy Bein' Me: A Lifetime of No Respect but Plenty of Sex and Drugs
“My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.”
“When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.”
“If it wasn't for pick-pockets I'd have no sex life at all.”
“My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.”
“I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.”
“I'm not a sexy guy. I went to a hooker. I dropped my pants. She dropped her price.”
Source: It's Not Easy Bein' Me: A Lifetime of No Respect but Plenty of Sex and Drugs
“The sign on the bar said: 'girls- topless, bottomless', I went inside and there was nobody there!”
“Dad told me to stop running in circles, I couldn't, so he nailed down my other foot!”
“What a dog I got. Last night he went on the paper four times - three while I was reading it.”