“Do ya remember the first time you had sex? I do, and boy, was I scared! I was alone!”
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Famous Rodney Dangerfield Quotes
“I'm getting so old my insurance company sends me 1/2 a calendar!”
“I told my doctor I got water on my knee, he gave me a sponge and raised his fee!”
“My car broke down just the other day, I called triple A, they came and towed me away!”
“When I was born I brought no joy, my father said he wanted a boy!”
“My parents didn't like me. For bathtub toys they gave me a blender and a transistor radio.”
“And my girlfriend, she's FAT! How fat? She's so fat she wears two watches-one for each time zone!”
“I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake. He told me, "Wait til it gets warmer."”
“One time I went to a hotel. I asked the bellhop to handle my bag. He felt up my wife!”
“I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.”
“I knew a girl so ugly, she had a face like a saint-a Saint Bernard!”
“I went to a gay bar, they wanted proof of sex so I showed them, they said it wasn't enough.”
“I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.”
“For two hours, some guy followed me around with a pooper scooper.”
“A travel agent told I could spend 7 nights in HAWAII no days just nights.”
“At Christmas time I sat on Santa's lap. His fly was open ! Boy what a present he gave me !”
“I asked my wife if she enjoys a cigarette after sex and she said "No, one drag is enough".”
“I asked him "Who said you could fool around with my wife" he said everybody.”
“I once had a problem ... so I tried group sex. Now I have a new problem - who to thank.”
“One night she told me to put out the garbage. I told her "you cooked it, you take it out".”
“I told my doctor I think my wife has VD. He gave himself a shot of penicillin.”
Source: It's Not Easy Bein' Me: A Lifetime of No Respect but Plenty of Sex and Drugs
“When it comes to sex, at my age I like threesomes. In case one of us dies.”
“My kids scotch tape worms to the sidewalk and watch the birds get hernias.”
“Don't talk about yourself so much...we'll do that when you leave.”
“When we got married my wife told me I was one in a million. I found out she was right.”