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Famous Rodney Dangerfield Quotes
“To give you an idea how well I was doing at the time I quit, I was the only one who knew I quit.”
“I was so ugly my parents had to hang a pork chop around my neck to get the dog to play with me.”
“I say 'no' to drugs. Whenever someone asks me for some of my drugs I say, 'no.”
“Last time I saw a mouth like that, it had a hook in it.”
“My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror.”
“Look out for number one and try not to step in number two.”
“I'm not a hypochondriac, but my gynaecologist firmly believes I am.”
“Life's a short trip. You'll find out.”
“I was so poor growing up...if I wasn't a boy...I'd have nothing to play with.”
“I told my wife 'hey honey come on, let's make love like the old days.' She asked me for 50 bucks.”
“I was making love to my wife the other night, I looked up. She was on the phone.”
“My father gave me a bat for Christmas. The first time I tried to play with it, it flew away.”
“I'm at the age where I want two girls. In case I fall asleep they will have someone to talk to.”
“What a dog I got, he found out we look alike, so he killed himself.”
“My wife made me join a bridge club... I jump off next Tuesday.”
“I was an ugly kid; when I was born, after the doctor cut the cord, he hung himself.”
“I told my kids, "Someday, you'll have kids of your own." One of them said, "So will you."”
“I told my wife a man is like wine, he gets better with age. She locked me in the cellar.”
“You can name your own salary in this business. I call mine Fred.”
“I don't care how rich and successful a man is. He's nothing without an education.”
“When I was born the doctor took one look at my face, turned me over and said, "Look, twins!"”
“Better to keep quiet and let people think you're an idiot than speak up and confirm it.”
“You take care and I hope I'll run into you - when I'm driving.”
“My wife has cut our lovemaking down to once a month, but I know two guys she's cut out entirely.”
“We want five thousand dollars or you'll see your kid again.”
“If you could learn to make love, I could fire the chauffer.”
“I tell ya when I was a kid, all I knew was rejection. My yo-yo, it never came back.”
“I come from a stupid family. My father worked in a bank. They caught him stealing pens.”
“I come from a stupid family. During the civil war my great uncle fought for the west.”
“They say love thy neighbor as thy self , what am I supposed to do jerk him off too?”