“I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.”
Filter quotes by topic
Famous Rodney Dangerfield Quotes
“I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.”
“I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice. I don't know if I'm coming or going.”
“I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.”
“This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.”
“My wife was afraid of the dark. Then she saw me naked, and now she's afraid of the light.”
“It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass.”
“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.”
“Yeah, I know I'm ugly... I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.'”
“I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.”
“When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.”
“I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.”
“I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.”
“My cousins gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.”
“On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.”
“My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.”
“I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.”
Source: It's Not Easy Bein' Me: A Lifetime of No Respect but Plenty of Sex and Drugs
“I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.”
“My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.”
Source: It's Not Easy Bein' Me: A Lifetime of No Respect but Plenty of Sex and Drugs
“My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.”
“When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.”
“I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.”
“If it wasn't for pick-pockets I'd have no sex life at all.”
“My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.”
“Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.”
Source: It's Not Easy Bein' Me: A Lifetime of No Respect but Plenty of Sex and Drugs
“I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.”
“My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.”
“One year they asked me to be poster boy - for birth control.”
“My wife can't cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. An antler got stuck in my throat.”