Best humorous & use Quotes | Short & Famous Sayings

“All the big corporations depreciate their possessions, and you can, too, provided you use them for business purposes. For example, if you subscribe to the Wall Street Journal, a business-related newspaper, you can deduct the cost of your house, because, in the words of U.S. Supreme Court Chief Justice Warren Burger in a landmark 1979 tax decision: Where else are you going to read the paper? Outside? What if it rains?”

“The IRS wants you to use this form because it gets to keep most of your money. So unless you have pond silt for brains, you want the long form.”

Want Long Use Form Brain Humorous Ponds Irs

Author:Dave Barry

“You should not use your fireplace, because scientists now believe that, contrary to popular opinion, fireplaces actually remove heat from houses. Really, that's what scientists believe. In fact many scientists actually use their fireplaces to cool their houses in the summer. If you visit a scientist's house on a sultry August day, you'll find a cheerful fire roaring on the hearth and the scientist sitting nearby, remarking on how cool he is and drinking heavily.”

Source: All the Dave Barry you could ever want: four classic books in one from America's foremost humorist

“I use humour a lot. My foundation is tragic, but my appearance is humorous.”

Use Humour Humorous Foundation Appearance Tragic

Author:Bahman Ghobadi

“An unsophisticated forecaster uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts - for support rather than for illumination.”

Men Use Funny Support Humorous Mathematics Data Mathematical Posts Statistics Lamps Illumination Visualization Mathematics And Science Drunk Man

Author:Andrew Lang

“America is the country where you can buy a lifetime supply of aspirin For one dollar and use it up in two weeks.”

Two Country Use Funny America Week Humorous Dollars Lifetime Two Weeks Aspirin

Author:John Barrymore

“Good authors, too, who once knew better words now only use four-letter words writing prose... anything goes.”

Knows Writing Book Use Funny Change Four Humorous Letters Words Prose Composer Making Changes Profanity Anything Goes People Changing Four Letter Words Good Authors

Author:Cole Porter

“Never say a humorous thing to a man who does not possess humour: he will always use it in evidence against you.”

Men Doe Use Humor Humorous Evidence Sense Of Humor

Author:Herbert Beerbohm Tree

“I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?”

Littles Use Humor Funny Mother Baby Humorous Witty Tiny Chinese Sarcastic Forks Spoons Toothpicks

Author:George Carlin

“Bel Air, I am convinced, was laid out by some diabolic sadist who deliberately decided not to use a compass or a surveyor.”

Use Funny Air Humorous Decided Witty Convinced Compass Surveyors

Book:Memoirs Of A Mangy Lover

Source: Memoirs Of A Mangy Lover

“I have no further use for America. I wouldn't go back there if Jesus Christ was President.”

Ifs Use Funny America Jesus President Christ Humorous Jesus Christ Wicked World

Author:Charlie Chaplin

“The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.”

“If you were plowing a field, which would you rather use? Two strong oxen or 1024 chickens?”

Ifs Two Use Strong Powerful Fields Humorous Witty Chickens Plowing Oxen

Author:Seymour Cray

“Interesting - I use a Mac to help me design the next Cray.(when he was told that Apple Inc. had recently bought a Cray supercomputer to help them design the next Mac )”

Helping Use Next Interesting Design Humorous Witty Apples Help Me Macs Supercomputers Apple Inc

Author:Seymour Cray

“If you have an important point to make, don't try to be subtle or clever. Use a pile driver. Hit the point once. Then come back and hit it again. Then hit it a third time - a tremendous whack.”

“We are born at the rise of the curtain and we die with its fall, and every night in the presence of our patrons we write our new creation, and every night it is blotted out forever; and of what use is it to say to audience or to critic, ''Ah, but you should have seen me last Tuesday?''”

Should Writing Use Funny Lasts Night Dies Fall Actors Born Acting Audience Forever Creation Humorous Should Have Critics Every Night Curtains Tuesday Patron

Author:Micheal Mac Liammoir

“It is a sad truth, but we have lost the faculty of giving lovely names to things. Names are everything. I never quarrel with actions. My one quarrel is with words. The man who could call a spade a spade should be compelled to use one. It is the only thing he is fit for.”

Men Love Giving Should Use Action Funny Names Lost He Man Fit Humorous Lovely Faculty Compelled Quarrels Spades Sad Truth Naming Things

Book:The Picture of Dorian Gray (Diversion Classics)

Source: The Picture of Dorian Gray (Diversion Classics)

“If it's free, it's advice; if you pay for it, it's counseling; if you can use either one, it's a miracle.”

Ifs Use Funny Pay Advice Humorous Miracle Counseling

Author:Jack Adams

“Here is the piece. If you can't say fornicate can you say copulate or if not that can you say co-habit? If not that would have to say consummate I suppose. Use your own good taste and judgment.”

Ifs Use Funny Pieces Habit Taste Judgment Humorous Good Taste Swearing Profanity Obscenity Taste And Judgment

Book:Ernest Hemingway Selected Letters 1917-1961

Source: Ernest Hemingway Selected Letters 1917-1961

“There's nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination you can overcome that.”

Ifs Love Life Trying Real Hard Use Funny Romance Sex Imagination Humorous Overcoming Dirty Love Life

Book:Don't Bend Over in the Garden, Granny, You Know Them Taters Got Eyes

Source: Don't Bend Over in the Garden, Granny, You Know Them Taters Got Eyes

“The principal purpose of the Democratic Party is to use the force of government to take property away from the people who earn it and give it to people who do not.”

People Giving Use Government Purpose Literature Force Party Republican Humorous Property Democratic Democrat Principal Democratic Party

Author:Neal Boortz

“The trouble with being educated is that it takes a long time; it uses up the better part of your life and when you are finished what you know is that you would have benefited more by going into banking.”

Knows Long Use Education Learning Trouble Long Time Humorous Educational Finished Educated Banking

Book:The VALIS Trilogy

Source: The VALIS Trilogy

“He that plays the king shall be welcome- his Majesty shall have tribute of me; the adventurous knight shall use his foil and target; the lover shall not sigh gratis; the humorous man shall end his part in peace; the clown shall make those laugh whose lungs are tickle o' th' sere; and the lady shall say her mind freely, or the blank verse shall halt fort.”

Source: The Pictorial Edition of the Works of Shakspere: Comedies / ... Shakspere

“Our civilization has decided that determining the guilt or innocence of men is a thing too important to be trusted to trained men. When it wants a library catalogued, or the solar system discovered, or any trifle of that kind, it uses up its specialists. But when it wishes anything done which is really serious, it collects twelve of the ordinary men standing round. The same thing was done, if I remember right, by the Founder of Christianity.”

Humorous Quotes

Related topics

Humorous Quotes