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Week Quotes

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Week Quotes

“I really don't work a whole lot as far as touring, but I do stand-up every night of my life, no matter where I am. It's really made the touring a lot less grueling. A lot of people get to this level and they're like, Now I do four cities in one week and they tour nonstop. I'm like, No, that sounds miserable. I'll just do two weekends a month. But whenever I'm in some awful place geographically, it's no longer that awful, because you've got the Internet and television.”

PeopleMadeTwoMatterWholeNightSoundLevelsCitiesFourWeekTelevisionMonthsInternetAwfulMiserableWeekendEvery NightTouring
Author:Daniel Tosh
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“So on the Tuesday night deadline, while Abu Qatada was appealing to European Court judges, the Home Secretary, who thought the deadline was Monday night, was partying with "X Factor" judges. When the Home Secretary is accused of not knowing what day of the week it is, confusion and chaos have turned into farce.”

HomeNightPartyKnowingWeekJudgingCourtChaosConfusionFactorsNot KnowingSecretaryMondayAccusedDeadlineTuesdayFarceDays Of The WeekMonday NightCourt JudgesTuesday Night
Author:Yvette Cooper
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“I gave my father a heart attack. It was a practical joke. Come on, you push a guy's face in a cake he's got to clean it off. You hit a guy with a water balloon, he's got to dry off. Guy's in the hospital, you get his testicles shaved, he scratches and bleeds for a week... it's funny... you're not supposed to have a heart attack, it kills the joke.”

HeartFacesGuyFatherWaterWeekJokesCleanPracticalsDryHospitalsCakeScratchesBalloonsHeart AttackTesticlesPractical Joke
Author:Christopher Titus
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“My mom was a manic depressive schizophrenic who, after a year in prison, went home and shot herself. My sister, Kirsten, an amazing poet, who was raised by this woman, and was dating a guy who broke up with her for the fourth time in three weeks. And one day, she came to his house, got a gun, and blew her brains out all over his headboard. I just went through a divorce, five years in court and cost me $2 million dollars. If anyone, by law, should be forced to take antidepressants it's me... But instead, I choose to be an antidepressant. And you can take me with alcohol.”

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Author:Christopher Titus
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“My girlfriend has the greatest story as to why she isn't religious anymore. When she was a kid, like 12 years old, her parents nailed a 25 pound crucifix to the wall right above her bed. About two weeks later, in the middle of the night, the crucifix falls off the wall and leaves a two inch gash in the back of her dad's head.”

YearsTwoStoriesKidsNightFallParentReligiousWeekMiddleWallDadBedGirlfriendPoundsInchesTwo WeeksMy GirlfriendMiddle Of The NightOff The Wall
Author:Anthony Jeselnik
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“It's a pity I am so impatient and careless, as any ordinary person could learn all the techniques of photography in a week. It is the democratic art, i.e. technical skill is practically eliminated - the more foolproof cameras become with focusing and exposure gadgets the better - and artistic quality depends only on choice of subject.”

PersonsArtChoicesQualityWeekSubjectsDependsSkillsPhotographyOrdinaryCamerasDemocraticTechniquePityArtisticExposureImpatientCarelessGadgetsOrdinary PersonTechnical SkillsFoolproof
Author:W. H. Auden
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“I could've enjoyed a cigarette if I smoked back before everyone knew it was bad - say, like, 1923. Everybody smoked back then. There was no medical information against it; they had no idea - it was a paradise. It was a smoker's paradise: 'They're taking my lung out next week. I don't know why. Doctor thinks maybe I'm brushing my teeth too often, but I can't help it because, for some reason, my breath smells like I licked a monkey's ass.”

IfsThinkingKnowsI CanIdeasReasonHelpingNextWeekInformationDoctorsBreathsSmellMedicalTeethAssEnjoyedNo IdeaParadiseCigaretteMonkeysLungsNext WeekSmokersBrushing
Author:Arj Barker
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“If anything, I believe that when I die, I will have to stand in front of all the children who went to bed hungry while I was on earth and read aloud a list of my eBay purchases. I shudder to think of it. Explaining to a poor child with a swollen belly why I didn't give his village fifty cents a week but spent twenty-seven dollars in a bidding war for a Mars Attacks coffee cup.”

IfsThinkingGivingBelieveChildrenWarEarthDiesI BelievePoorWeekFrontsBedTwentiesDollarsSevenListsCoffeeHungryCupsFiftyVillageCentsMarsBellyExplainingCoffee CupBiddingSwollenEbayPoor Children
Author:Dana Gould
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“My mother's side of the family is Methodist, which is how I was raised. It was conservative in that I had strong values - sitting down and eating with the family every day, listening to authority and going to church every week and having perfect attendance at Sunday school.”

SchoolMotherValuesStrongSidesChurchPerfectWeekListeningAuthorityEatingSittingDown AndRaisedConservativeSundaySitting DownSunday SchoolMethodistsAttendanceGoing To ChurchStrong Values
Author:Jonathan Groff
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“Playboys' was an authentic junkie record. Art Pepper was just out of jail, Chet was arrested a week after the session, and piano player Carl Perkins would die two years later. When the record was recorded I was behind bars myself. In 1955 I was caught with narcotics and had to serve almost five years. Luckily, I was allowed to keep my saxophone in the cell, and I composed a lot during the time. They had to come fetch the music for Playboys from jail.”

YearsArtTwoDiesBehindsRecordsFivePlayerWeekCaughtBarsCellsPianoFive YearsTwo YearsJailSessionArrestedJunkiePlayboyPeppersSaxophoneNarcoticsFetch
Author:Jimmy Heath
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“No matter how physically faint, a photograph involuntarily whisper of something exquisitely carnal. The weeks, the years, whatever stretches of time separating our present from the photographs retire into the transparence of the shot and seem erased by it. We almost have to shake ourselves to overcome the feeling that we peer out at the other place, in that different age. Yet we are always aware of this illusory dislocation, for such is the ambiguity, in principle, that seduces us over and over again in the photographic experience.”

YearsDifferentMatterFeelingsSeemsAgePrinciplesWeekShotsOvercomingPhotographShakesRetiringPeersAmbiguitySeducingSeparatingIllusoryDislocationDifferent Ages
Author:Max Kozloff
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“In two weeks the sheeplike masses of any country can be worked up by the newspapers into such a state of excited fury that men are prepared to put on uniforms and kill and be killed, for the sake of the sordid ends of a few interested parties. Compulsory military service seems to me the most disgraceful symptom of that deficiency in personal dignity from which civilized mankind is suffering today.”

MenTwoEndsCountryStatesSeemsTodaySufferingPartyWeekMankindMilitaryMassDignityPreparedSakeExcitedNewspapersCivilizedUniformsSymptomsFuryTwo WeeksDeficiencyCompulsoryDisgracefulMilitary ServicePersonal Dignity
Author:Albert Einstein
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