Quotessence
Home / Authors / George Carlin
George Carlin

George Carlin Quotes

Comedian

Filter quotes by topic

AllPeopleFunnyIfsThinkingHumorHumorousStupid PeopleKnowsStupidWayWantWittyGenuineComedianSarcasticMenLittlesComedyWorldFirsts

Famous George Carlin Quotes

“People think life is real complicated. Actually, there's nothing to it. Once you leave out all the bullshit they teach you in school, life gets really simple.”

PeopleThinkingRealSchoolLife IsSimpleTeachComplicatedGenuineBullshitGet RealSchool Life
Book:3 x Carlin: An Orgy of George including Brain Droppings, Napalm and Silly Putty, and When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?
Create image

“I think the warning labels on alcoholic beverages are too bland. They should be more vivid. Here are a few I would suggest: "Alcohol will turn you into the same asshole your father was."; "Drinking will significantly improve your chances of murdering a loved one."; "If you drink long enough, at some point you will vomit up the lining of your stomach."; "Use this product and you may wake up in Morocco wearing a cowboy suit and tongue-kissing a transmission salesman."”

IfsThinkingShouldMayLongEnoughUseTurnsFatherChanceProductsDrinkKissingWake UpDrinkingTongueAlcoholGenuineSuitsLabelsStomachWarningLoved OnesCowboyVividAlcoholicsSalesmanTransmissionBlandBeveragesMoroccoWarning Labels
Book:3 x Carlin: An Orgy of George including Brain Droppings, Napalm and Silly Putty, and When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?
Create image

“I sort of gave up on this whole human adventure a long time ago, divorced myself from it emotionally. It gives me an artistic detachment that I find valuable. I think the human race has squandered its gift, and I think this country has squandered its promise, for the sake of cell phones and Jet Skis.”

ThinkingGivingHumansLongCountryWholeRaceAdventurePromiseLong TimeGive MeSakePhonesValuableCellsArtisticHuman RaceDivorcedLong Time AgoDetachmentGave UpJetCell PhoneSkis
Author:George Carlin
Create image

“So about 80 years after the Constitution is ratified, the slaves are freed. Not so you'd really notice it of course; just kinda on paper. And that of course was at the end of the Civil War. Now there is another phrase I dearly love. That is a true oxymoron if I've ever heard one: "Civil War." Do you think anybody in this country could ever really have a civil war? "Say, pardon me?" (shoots gun) "I'm awfully sorry. Awfully sorry."”

IfsThinkingYearsWarEndsCountryPhilosophyCoursesHeardPaperGunConstitutionSlaveSorryPhrasesCivil WarPardonOxymoronPardon Me
Author:George Carlin
Create image

“Valentine's Day is devoted to love. Why don't we have a day devoted to hatred? The raw, visceral hatred that is felt every hour of the day by ordinary people, but is repressed for reasons of social order. I think it would be very cathartic, and it would certainly make for an exciting six o'clock news.”

PeopleThinkingReasonWould BeOrderSocialFeltHoursSixNewsOrdinaryHatredExcitingClockDevotedValentineOrdinary PeopleValentine's DayRepressedSocial OrderVisceralCathartic
Book:Brain Droppings
Create image

“I have a suggestion that I think would help fight serious crime. Signs. There are lots of signs for minor infractions: No Smoking, Stay Off the Grass, Keep Out, and they seem to work fairly well. I think we should also have signs for major crimes: Murder Strictly Prohibited, NO Raping People, Thank You for Not Kidnapping Anyone. It's certainly worth a try. I'm convinced Watergate would never have happened if there had just been a sign in the Oval Office that said, Malfeasance of Office Is Strictly Against the Law, or Thank You for Not Undermining the Constitution.”

PeopleIfsThinkingShouldTryingWellsSaidHelpingHumorSeemsLawFightingHappenedCrimeSeriousOfficeMajorsConstitutionMurderConvincedGrassSmokingMinorsSuggestionsKidnappingUnderminingWatergateOvalNo SmokingMalfeasance
Book:3 x Carlin: An Orgy of George including Brain Droppings, Napalm and Silly Putty, and When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?
Create image