Quotessence
Home / Authors / George Carlin
George Carlin

George Carlin Quotes

Comedian

Filter quotes by topic

AllPeopleFunnyIfsThinkingHumorHumorousStupid PeopleKnowsStupidWayWantWittyGenuineComedianSarcasticMenLittlesComedyWorldFirsts

Famous George Carlin Quotes

“Early in my career I was divided because I had the real self underneath: the lawbreaker, the anarchist, the person who swims against the tide, the outsider, the loner, all of that guy. He was my private self, and I had this other side that wanted to be liked in order to do all those things I dreamed of as a little boy. I didn't realize that those things didn't go together until later. And I'm quite sure that my use of acid and peyote helped me accept what was really going on inside of me instead of what I had imposed on myself.”

LittlesPersonsRealSelfUseWantedTogetherGuyOrderSidesRealizingAcceptingBoysCareersSwimDividedTidesOutsidersAcidAnarchistThat GuyLittle BoysLonerReal SelfPeyote
Author:George Carlin
Create image

“My history of moving away from drugs is not the kind you hear from most people. Certainly not from celebrities, especially those professionally recovering people. What I've noticed in my overuse of cocaine is the period of pleasure versus the period of pain. That is to say that when you first get high on anything, the pleasure is predominant and you don't pay much price. A little hangover or whatever it might be with another drug. But after a while the ratio begins to change, and there' s far more pain in the deal than pleasure. It just completely goes in another direction.”

PeopleFirstsKindLittlesMightPainMovingPleasureDealsPayPeriodsDrugVersusCocaineRatiosGetting HighHangoverRecoveringMoving Away
Author:George Carlin
Create image

“I think there's a little more attention to human needs than to property rights. But I don't think much of political activism. It's so shortsighted. Most people are interested in their own personal comfort. I've said that about environmentalists. I think they care about bike paths and places to park their Volvos, not the planet as an abstraction.”

PeopleThinkingNeedsHumansLittlesSaidCarePoliticalAttentionPathRightsPlanetsComfortPropertyActivismParksBikeAbstractionProperty RightsEnvironmentalistHuman NeedsPolitical ActivismVolvo
Author:George Carlin
Create image

“If you ask me, we could do with a little less motivation. - The people who are causing all the trouble seem highly motivated to me. - Serial killers, stock swindlers, drug dealers, Christian Republicans.”

PeopleIfsLittlesSeemsChristianMotivationAsksTroubleRepublicanDrugAsk MeMotivatedKillersDealerSerialsSerial KillerDrug DealersSwindlers
Book:3 x Carlin: An Orgy of George including Brain Droppings, Napalm and Silly Putty, and When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?
Create image

“The seven dwarfs were each on different little trips. Happy was into grass and grass alone. Happy, that's all he did. Sleepy was into reds. Grumpy, too much speed. Sneezy was a full blown coke freak. Doc was a connection. Dopey was into everything. Any old orifice will do for Dopey. He's always got his arm out and his leg up. And then, the one we always forget, because he was Bashful. Bashful didn't use drugs. He was paranoid on his own. Didn't need any help on that ladder.”

NeedsLittlesDifferentHelpingUseForgetToo MuchArmsDrugConnectionsSevenLegsSpeedGrassFreakLaddersParanoidCokeSleepyDwarfsGrumpyBashful
Author:George Carlin
Create image

“There is nothing wrong with the planet. The planet is fine ... been here 4 1/2 billion years. We've been here, what, a 100,000 years, maybe 200,000. And we've only been engaged in heavy industry a little over 200 years. 200 years versus 4 1/2 billion. And we have the conceit to think that somehow we're a threat? The planet isn't going away. We are.”

ThinkingYearsLittlesPlanetsFineIndustryThreatHeavyBillionsEngagedGoing AwayVersusConceit
Author:George Carlin
Create image

“People can't seem to get it through their heads that there is never any healing or closure. Ever. There is only a short pause before the next "horrifying" event. People forget there is such a thing as memory, and that when a wound "heals" it leaves a permanent scar that never goes away, but merely fades a little. What really ought to be said after one of these so-called tragedies is, "Let the scarring begin.”

PeopleLittlesSaidSeemsNextMemoriesForgetHealingEventsOughtTragedyWoundsHealPermanentScarFadesPausesClosureScarring
Book:When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?
Create image

“And off we go, out onto the highway looking for a little fun. Perhaps a flatbed truck loaded with human cadavers will explode in front of a Star Trek reunion. One can only dream and hope.”

HumansLittlesDreamFunStarsFrontsHighwaysTruckLoadedReunionAnd OffCadavers
Book:3 x Carlin: An Orgy of George including Brain Droppings, Napalm and Silly Putty, and When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?
Create image

“People are wonderful. I love individuals. I hate groups of people. I hate a group of people with a 'common purpose'. 'Cause pretty soon they have little hats. And armbands. And fight songs. And a list of people they're going to visit at 3am. So, I dislike and despise groups of people but I love individuals. Every person you look at; you can see the universe in their eyes, if you're really looking.”

PeopleIfsLooksLittlesPersonsEyePurposeHateSongFightingUniverseIndividualCausesCommonWonderfulGroupsI HateListsHatsDislikeDespiseCommon PurposeHate Groups
Author:George Carlin
Create image

“We're having something a little different this year for Thanksgiving. Instead of a turkey, we're having a swan. You get more stuffing”

YearsLittlesDifferentSarcasmSarcasticThanksgivingThankfulnessTurkeysSwansThanksgiving DayThanksgiving ThanksThanksgiving HolidayThankful ThanksgivingThanksgiving ThankfulHappy ThanksgivingFunny ThanksgivingThanksgiving InspirationalThanksgiving FunnyThanksgiving Thank YouThanksgiving GreetingsFunny Happy ThanksgivingFamily ThanksgivingThanksgiving WishesThanksgiving And FamilyThanksgiving FamilyFunny Thanksgiving DayChristian ThanksgivingThanksgiving ChristianThanksgiving TurkeyTurkeys On ThanksgivingHappy Thanksgiving PoemsTurkey DayThanksgiving Jokes
Author:George Carlin
Create image

“Let me get a sip of water here... you figure this stuff is safe to drink? Actually, I don't care, I drink it anyway. You know why? Because I'm an American and I expect a little cancer in my food and water. I'm a loyal American and I'm not happy unless I let government and industry poison me a little bit every day.”

KnowsLittlesPhilosophyGovernmentCareStuffBitsWaterFiguresIndustryDrinkSafeLetting GoLittle BitLet MeCancerDon't CareI Don't CarePoisonLoyalNot Happy
Author:George Carlin
Create image