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Related Quotes
“I have a sixth sense, but not the other five. If I wasn't making money, they'd put me away.”
“There are three signs of old age: loss of memory ... I forget the other two.”
“I've put on a lot of weight... I only weighed six and a half pounds when I was born.”
“I know my limit. I just keep passing out before I reach it.”
“It proves what they say, give the public what they want to see and they'll come out for it.”
“I was a sober as the next guy. The only problem is the next guy was Dean Martin”
“Imitation isn't the sincerest form of flattery - it's plagiarism.”
“Any kid will run any errand for you, if you ask at bedtime.”
“All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner.”
“No matter what your heartache may be, laughing helps you forget it for a few seconds.”
“I'm nuts and I know it. But so long as I make 'em laugh, they ain't going to lock me up.”
“I personally believe we were put here to build and not to destroy.”
“Exercise? I get it on the golf course. When I see my friends collapse, I run for the paramedics.”
“If I can make people smile, then I have served my purpose for God.”
“I won't mind dying if I can tell St. Peter a joke he hasn't heard.”
“I don't need glasses, but I've just reached the age where curiosity is greater than vanity.”
“Recipe for a happy marriage: My wife and I always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.”
“My doctor said I look like a million dollars - green and wrinkled.”
“Mom used to say I didn't run away from home my destiny just caught up with me at an early age.”
“Old age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.”
“I get plenty of exercise carrying the coffins of my friends who exercise.”
“God's children and their happiness are my reasons for being.”
“We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in California and mine is in Texas”
“She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off”
“I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always”