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S. J. Perelman

S. J. Perelman Books

Humorist

S. J. Perelman, an American humorist, was born on February 1, 1904, and passed away on October 17, 1979. Known for his unique humor style and sharp wit, he is considered one of the greatest humorists of the 20th century.

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Related Quotes

“I tried to resist his overtures, but he plied me with symphonies, quartets, chamber music, and cantatas.”

Music Chamber Symphony Quartets Chamber Music

Author:S. J. Perelman

“In pulp fiction it is a rigid convention that the hero's shoulders and the heroine's balcon constantly threaten to burst their bonds, a possibility which keeps the audience in a state of tense expectancy. Unfortunately for the fans, however, recent tests reveal that the wisp of chiffon which stands between the publisher and the postal laws has the tensile strength of drop-forged steel.”

States Law Fiction Audience Fans Possibility Hero Tests Shoulders Conventions Steel Publishers Tense Heroines Forged Pulp Expectancy Wisps

Author:S. J. Perelman

“Do you know anything at all that nobody else knows or, for that matter, gives a damn about? If you do, then sit tight, because one of these days you're going to Hollywood as a technical supervisor on a million dollar movie.”

Ifs Knows Giving Matter Funny Millions Hollywood Dollars These Days California Damn Do You Know Million Dollars Supervisors

Author:S. J. Perelman

“There is such a thing as too much couth.”

Too Much Civilization Gentility

Author:S. J. Perelman

“English life, while very pleasant, is rather bland. I expected kindness and gentility and I found it, but there is such a thing as too much couth.”

Found Kindness Too Much Expected Pleasant Bland Gentility

Author:S. J. Perelman

“There is something about a home aquarium which sets my teeth on edge the moment I see it. Why anyone would want to live with a small container of stagnant water populated by a half-dead guppy is beyond me.”

Want Moments Home Water Half Edges Teeth Stagnant Containers Aquariums Stagnant Water

Author:S. J. Perelman

“I'll dispose of my teeth as I see fit, and after they've gone, I'll get along. I started off living on gruel, and by God, I can always go back to it again.”

I Can Gone Food Fit Cooking Teeth Culinary Living On

Author:S. J. Perelman

“"In France," Marcel said with wintry dignity, "accidents occur in the bedroom, not the kitchen."”

Said Funny Dignity Accidents France Kitchen Bedroom

Author:S. J. Perelman

“FREEDLEY: Will I feel better after I take it? DR. FITCH (coldly): I, am a physician, Freedley, not an astrologer. If you want a horoscope, there's a gypsy tearoom over on Lexington Avenue.”

Ifs Want Feels Humor Funny Medicine Feel Better Physicians Drs Avenues Gypsy Horoscopes Lexington

Author:S. J. Perelman

“As for consulting a dentist regularly, my punctuality practically amounted to a fetish. Every twelve years I would drop whatever I was doing and allow wild Caucasian ponies to drag me to a reputable orthodontist.”

Years Twelve Drag Dentist Consulting Fetish Ponies Punctuality Caucasian

Author:S. J. Perelman

“In my more pompous moments I like to think of myself as a writer rather than a humorist, but I suppose that's merely the vanity of advancing age.”

Thinking Moments Age Vanity Advancing Humorists Pompous

Author:S. J. Perelman

“There are nineteen words in Yiddish that convey gradations of disparagement, from a mild, fluttery helplessness to a state of downright, irreconcilable brutishness. All of them can be usefully employed to pinpoint the kind of individuals I write about.”

Writing Kind States Individual Employed Helplessness Nineteen Yiddish

Author:S. J. Perelman

“Love is not the dying moan of a distant violin - it's the triumphant twang of a bedspring.”

“I guess I'm just an old mad scientist at bottom. Give me an underground laboratory, half a dozen atom-smashers, and a beautiful girl in a diaphanous veil waiting to be turned into a chimpanzee, and I care not who writes the nation's laws.”

“If, at the close of business each evening, I myself can understand what I've written, I feel the day hasn't been totally wasted.”

Ifs Feels Written Evening

Author:S. J. Perelman

“The main obligation is to amuse yourself.”

Author:S. J. Perelman

“You'll have to leave my meals on a tray outside the door because I'll be working pretty late on the secret of making myself invisible, which may take me almost until eleven o'clock.”

May Secret Doors Late Invisible Clock Meals Take Me Eleven Trays

Author:S. J. Perelman

“To err is human, to forgive supine.”

Humans Forgiveness Forgiving Err Is Human

Author:S. J. Perelman

“He bit his lip in a manner which immediately awakened my maternal sympathy, and I helped him bite it.”

Bits Lips Bites Sympathy Awakened

Author:S. J. Perelman

“Tomatoes and squash never fail to reach maturity. You can spray them with acid, beat them with sticks and burn them; they love it.”

Love Failing Beats Sticks Maturity Acid Tomatoes Spray Squash Vegetable Garden

Author:S. J. Perelman

“I cannot recall a more engaging passage in fiction, and I've been trying for almost eighteen seconds.”

Trying Humor Funny Fiction Criticism Critics Seconds Passages Recalls Engaging Eighteen

Author:S. J. Perelman

“I loathe writing. On the other hand I'm a great believer in money.”

Writing Hands Believer Loathe

Author:S. J. Perelman

“The fact is that all of us have only one personality, and we wring it out like a dishtowel. You are what you are.”

Facts Personality

Author:S. J. Perelman

“A farm is an irregular patch of nettles bounded by short-term notes, containing a fool and his wife who didn't know enough to stay in the city.”

Knows Enough Term Cities Wife Fool Notes Farms Short Term Patches Containing Nettles

Author:S. J. Perelman

“The worst disgrace that can befall a producer is an unkind notice from a New York reviewer. When this happens, the producer becomes a pariah in Hollywood. He is shunned by his friends, thrown into bankruptcy, and like a Japanese electing hara-kiri, he commits suttee.”

Happens Worst New York Hollywood Commit Producers Thrown Disgrace Bankruptcy Unkind Reviewers Pariahs

Author:S. J. Perelman

“Only the scenario writers are exempt. These are tied between the tails of two spirited Caucasian ponies, which are then driven off in opposite directions. This custom is called a conference.”

Two Opposites Driven Customs Tied Tails Conferences Scenarios Spirited Ponies Caucasian

Author:S. J. Perelman

“The dubious privilege of a freelance writer is he’s given the freedom to starve anywhere.”

Writing Given Privilege Editors Editing Dubious

Author:S. J. Perelman

“I have no truck with lettuce, cabbage, and similar chlorophyll. Any dietitian will tell you that a running foot of apple strudel contains four times the vitamins of a bushel of beans.”

Running Four Feet Food Cooking Apples Culinary Truck Dessert Beans Vitamins Cabbage Lettuce

Author:S. J. Perelman

“I don't know where we're going or how we'll get there, but when we get there we'll be there - and that's something, even if it's nothing.”

Author:S. J. Perelman

“Where would the Rockefellers be today if old John D. had gone on selling short-weight kerosene ... to widows and orphans instead of wisely deciding to mulct the whole country.”

Ifs Country Whole Today Gone Weight Entrepreneur Selling Widows Orphan Widows And Orphans

Author:S. J. Perelman

“We old roosters must be cautious. Don't try to outwit your arteries.”

Trying Age Funny Humorous Cautious Arteries Be Cautious Roosters

Author:S. J. Perelman

“Fate was dealing from the bottom of the deck.”

Fate Bottom Deck

Author:S. J. Perelman

“One stifling summer afternoon last August, in the attic of a tiny stone house in Pennsylvania, I made a most interesting discovery: the shortest, cheapest method of inducing a nervous breakdown ever perfected. In this technique..., the subject is placed in a sharply sloping attic heated to 340 F and given a mothproof closet known as the Jiffy-Cloz to assemble.”

“I found the pearl of the Orient slightly less exciting than a rainy Sunday evening in Rochester.”

Inspirational Found Exciting Evening Sunday Pearls Rainy Rochester Sunday Evening Rainy Sunday

Author:S. J. Perelman

“This medal (the National Book Award) together with my American Express card, will identify me worldwide ... except at Bloomingdale's.”

Book Together Cards Awards Medal American Express

Author:S. J. Perelman

“I'm half Scotch-Irish on both sides, and when I lose my temper-brother, I go.”

Sides Loses Half Brother Temper Both Sides Scotch Bad Temper

Author:S. J. Perelman

“Santa Barbara people are conservative-not like in L.A., where everybody wears rhinestones on their glasses to show that they own an airplane factory.”

People Shows Cities Glasses Conservative Factories Airplane Santa Barbara Santa Barbara

Author:S. J. Perelman

“A basic ingredient in the manufacture of perfume, the attar-a heavy, pale-yellow oil stored in small metal drums-had been put up as collateral by Bulgaria, in lieu of gold, at the Moscow Narodny Bank, a Communist finance house for East-West trade.”

House Gold Trade West Heavy Oil East Finance Ingredients Communist Yellow Metals Pale Perfume Moscow Collateral Bulgaria Pale Yellow

Author:S. J. Perelman

“If travel has taught me nothing more, and it certainly has, it's this: you never know when some trifling incident, utterly without significance, may pitchfork you into adventure or, by the same token, may not.”

Ifs Knows May Taught Adventure Travel Significance Incidents Tokens Trifling Pitchforks

Author:S. J. Perelman

“I used to pride myself on being impervious to the sentimentalities of soap opera, but when that loveliest of actresses, Rachel Gurney, of Upstairs, Downstairs, perished on the Titanic, I wept so convulsively and developed such anorexia that I had to be force-fed.”

Used Force Television Pride Actresses Feds Opera Soap Anorexia Sentimentality Upstairs Soap Operas Impervious

Author:S. J. Perelman

“All right, so call me Miss Cliche of 1960, but the thing about the married ones that always spooks me is how sweet and attentive they are at first, when they're on the prowl.”

Firsts Women Missing Sweet Married Call Me 1960s Cliche

Author:S. J. Perelman

“Nature, it appears, has been rather more bountiful to Paul's body and purse than to his intellect; above the ears, speaking bluntly, the boy is strictly tapioca.”

Has Beens Body Humor Funny Boys Fool Ears Intellect Foolishness Purses Humourous

Author:S. J. Perelman

About the Author

Born: February 1, 1904
Died: October 17, 1979
Known for: Humorist
Quotes: 42

Related Topics

Funny Ifs Knows Writing Half Humor Age Bottom Caucasian Cities

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People Ifs Thinking Knows Men World Way Want Love Life Inspirational Needs Giving Feels Should Writing Trying Years Mind Firsts

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