Best Comedy Quotes | Short & Famous Sayings Page 22

“I really wanted to, but I just didn't understand how people became comedians. I kind of thought it was something you were born into. And so I wanted to be a veterinarian or an architect. I wanted to be in a band, and for some reason I could understand how you could be in a band because I had guitars and all my friends played music. Comedy was a secret want, but it wasn't anything I pursued.”

People Want Kind Reason Wanted Born Secret Comedy Band My Friends Guitar Comedian Architect Pursued Veterinarian

Author:Tig Notaro

“I usually have sex to my stand-up comedy album. Power move.”

Moving Sex Comedy Albums Stand Up Comedy Power Moves

Author:Jeff Ross

“I can pretty much guarantee that if I do a show in a comedy club, there will be someone who will come out of the audience and tell me the worst joke ever. It's just a guarantee.”

Ifs I Can Shows Audience Comedy Worst Jokes Clubs Guarantees Guarantees That Comedy Clubs

Author:Lewis Black

“I was voted Most Humorous in my senior class in high school, and I was a fan of comedy, my whole life. I never got into the horror genre, and action was fine, but I just loved comedy. Any comedy I could get my hands on, I would. I watched Saturday Night Live religiously. I've just been a fan of comedy, my whole life.”

Whole Hands Action School Night Class Comedy Fans Fine Horror Humorous High School Whole Life Genre Senior Saturday Saturday Night Horror Genre Saturday Night Live Senior Class

Author:Rob Riggle

“Comedies are very hard to do. They are difficult. Unless there's the Judd Apatow school, where they're like okay, we know that, we're going to do those. Or unless it's something that's far to the other side.”

Knows Hard School Difficult Sides Comedy Okay

Author:Don Cheadle

“I don't know what would be antithetical to do on the other side, maybe a Tyler Perry movie or something. No, there are very few comedies that live in between that. Or you're doing some kid thing like a Jim Carrey movie with animated something that's like that. Yeah, I've wanted to do them. I like doing them. I did Talk to Me. That was pretty much a comedy.”

Knows Would Be Kids Wanted Sides Comedy Yeah Animated Talk To Me

Author:Don Cheadle

“I think the book is less emotional than the film. With the film, the emotions are much more raw and in front. In the book, they are kind of ironized and seen through comedy.”

Thinking Kind Book Film Emotion Comedy Fronts Emotional

Author:Salman Rushdie

“A solid base for any comedy is just honesty and truth, and it coming from a real place. As surreal as this show gets and is, ultimately, we're dealing with a character that most can't see the way that I can see it.”

Way I Can Real Character Shows Comedy Honesty Surreal Truth And Honesty

Author:Elijah Wood

“People feel that drama is more important. Dramas always earn more honors than comedy.”

People Feels Important Comedy Honor Drama

Author:Letty Aronson

“The major caveat in all of comedy is that it's all instinctive. There's no true criteria. There is no right or wrong. Ultimately, often I'm surprised at what an audience will or will not laugh at. I have to stay very, very open to an audiences first exposure to that material and how they react to it.”

Firsts Audience Laughing Comedy Materials Majors Exposure Criteria

Author:Larry Charles

“When certain people hear "'SNL' comedy," rightfully so, you expect it to be a certain kind of goofiness.”

People Kind Certain Comedy Snl Goofiness

Author:Will Forte

“I'm not a broad comedy guy. I've been funny in movies, but I'm not a comedian. I'm an actor who's sometimes funny.”

Sometimes Guy Actors Comedy Comedian Broads

Author:Matthew Lillard

“One of the great things about being on a show for a long period of time is watching the show evolve. A friend told me a long time ago "It should be easy" and it usually is if you're not distracted with the usual demons any creative person has. Especially with comedy because you find yourself laughing while you work.”

Ifs Should Persons Long Shows Easy Laughing Creative Comedy Periods Long Time Great Things Evolve Demon Finding Yourself Usual Distracted Long Time Ago Creative Person Long Periods Of Time

Author:John Swihart

“I love straight-face comedy or relatively subtle comedy. And then I turn around and I find myself doing very broad comedy but it's all fun and you have to keep your sense of humor and not take yourself seriously.”

Faces Turns Fun Comedy Subtle Broads Sense Of Humor Straight Face

Author:Betty White

“I've got a lot of nervous energy and I trip a lot. I don't have a good equilibrium. In the places where the physical comedy was necessary, it came very naturally and it was fun.”

Energy Fun Comedy Nervous Equilibrium Physical Comedy

Author:Kristen Bell

“The comedy really comes from how badly you want these characters to succeed and with a comedy that's often hard.”

Want Hard Character Comedy Succeed

Author:Jonah Hill

“I like broad comedy. If I had an idea tomorrow for a film that was all slapstick and broad comedy, and it was an idea that interested me, I would not hesitate to do it because I enjoy watching these kinds of film.”

Ifs Kind Ideas Film Enjoy Comedy Tomorrow Broads Slapstick

Author:Woody Allen

“My father was very funny, so I grew up with humor in the house. And I was always really attracted to comedies on TV. I was always really attracted to comics.”

Father House Comedy Tvs Grew Grew Up

Author:Susan Stroman

“Since I started making movies, I've had to hear a million times, "When are you going to do a comedy?" I think I feel more comfortable in another kind of movie.”

Thinking Feels Kind Millions Comedy Comfortable

Author:Isabel Coixet

“If I'm not directing it, I need to be right in the director's ear so we can be talking about this." You do something like use the wrong music, the tone's off, and everything feels off". And I was like, "I'm not going down with this one. I wrote it, but I don't like that play." Then I thought, "Well, no one's producing my stuff, letting me star in it, and direct it at these theaters, so I'll just do them in comedy clubs."”

Ifs Needs Feels Wells Play Use Stars Stuff Talking Comedy Directors Direct Ears Theater Clubs Tone Comedy Clubs

Author:Jake M. Johnson

“I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later.”

Life Dream Humor Funny Asks Comedy Sick Following Hook Following My Dreams Hook Up Blurry

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.”

Should Humor Funny Order Break Comedy Sorry Convenience Stairs Escalators

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.”

Funny Comedy Laughter Humorous Witty Traps Pancakes Syrup Waffles Maple Syrup Corn Syrup

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, 'You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit.' As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.”

Ifs Said Humor Running Funny Moving Guy My Own Fire Comedy Legs Block Gambling This Guy Exit Own Business Casinos Mind Your Own Business Minding My Own Business

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late.”

Want Humor Funny Fun Comedy Fronts Late Machines Mad Glasses Bars Too Late Candy Magnifying Eyeglasses Magnifying Glass Candy Bar Vending Machines

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don't really know what's happening down there. Who is the real hero?”

Knows Real Humor Funny Comedy Hero Happenings Pants Belts Loops Real Heroes

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.”

Trying Humor Funny Guy Comedy Weak Midget Turtlenecks

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.”

Humor Funny Lost Felt Comedy Sticks Mortality Bubbles Flavor Pondering Gum Carefree

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.”

People Sometimes Funny Names Wish Brain Comedy Smart Intelligence Witty Call Me Compliment Hilarious Being Smart Spelling Brian Wordplay Smartness Name Calling Funny Clever

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“I guess there are no real strict rules [in comedy], but I just learn to apply my philosophy about comedy which is, it's a serious business and the result needs to be funny, not the process.”

Needs Real Philosophy Process Results Comedy Serious Strict Serious Business Strict Rules

Author:Christoph Waltz

“A silly comedy needs a straight guy, and that guy needs to be as straight as possible. The moment you start playing straight you're not straight anymore, you're bent straight, so it really requires the usual serious, straight-forward analysis and research, looking into it and finding the dramatic function, all of what you do until you feel you've collected enough points to safely and securely play the part.”

Needs Feels Enough Play Moments Guy Comedy Serious Findings Research Function Silly Analysis Dramatic Usual Bent That Guy

Author:Christoph Waltz

“I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.”

Stills Humor Funny Used Comedy Drug

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.”

Long Humor Would Be Funny Comedy Havens Ten Cool Status

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.”

Knows Men Way Looks I Can Humor Funny Comedy Car Headlights

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“I like Kit-Kat, unless I'm with four or more people.”

People Humor Funny Comedy Four

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.”

Way Humor Funny Saws Comedy Lifts Literal Forks

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!”

Ifs Children Book Humor Kids Funny Comedy Children's Books

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life.”

Needs Humor Funny Sex Comedy Saved Addict Heroines Having Sex Sex Drive Sex Maniac

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so... yeah.'”

Ifs Want Said Humor Wanted Funny Comedy Food My Friends Yeah Frozen Bananas

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have hands? They'll think you're cocky.”

People Ifs Thinking Knows Humor Hands Funny Comedy Dangerous Wave What If Cocky

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“Dogs are forever in the push up postion.”

Humor Funny Forever Comedy Dog Push Ups

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain't funny!”

Funny Comedy Jokes Clouds

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'”

Humor Funny Comedy Planets Assuming Shaving

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.”

Thinking Humor Funny Comedy Soccer Combination

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.”

Humor Funny Loses Comedy Sick Dollars Seven Caring Pens Not Caring Ballpoint Pens Paper And Pen

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“Do you think I am standing here, making this up as I go? I am sorry to disillusion you. I am not Robin Williams. I am the king of the pen.”

Thinking Humor Funny Comedy Kings Standing Sorry Pens Robins I Am Sorry Am Sorry Disillusion

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show.”

People Knows Shows Humor Funny Lasts Night Comedy Please Last Night Night Time

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“I can whistle with my fingers, especially if I have a whistle.”

Ifs I Can Humor Funny Comedy Fingers

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary. It did not need to exist.”

Humans Humor Funny Saws Comedy Unnecessary Pyramids Inappropriate

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“I'd like to get four people who do cart wheels very good, and make a cart.”

People Humor Funny Comedy Four Very Good Wheels Carts Cartwheels

Author:Mitch Hedberg

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