Best Comedy Quotes | Short & Famous Sayings Page 27

“If you go to Bed Bath & Beyond without a coupon, people will wonder if you're OK.”

People Ifs Funny Wonder Comedy Bed Baths

“Racquetball is the only sport where simultaneously you can be looking at the ball and it'll hit you in the back of the head at 90 miles per hour.”

Funny Sports Hours Comedy Balls Miles Racquetball

Author:Brian Regan

“The government will pay certain farmers to not grow corn. Wow. Where's my check? That'd be great. "Hey, what do you do for a living?" "Well, I don't grow corn. Get up at the crack of noon, make sure there's no corn growing. I'm gonna get up early tomorrow. And not plow. You know, we used to not grow tomatoes-but there's more money in not growing corn."”

Knows Wells Government Funny Used Certain Grows Pay Comedy Growing Tomorrow Checks Get Up Hey Cracks Farmers Wow More Money Corn Noon Tomatoes Live Well Up Early

Author:Brian Regan

“I saw something in the store the other day that I don't understand: that peanut butter and jelly in the same jar. Is there a point to that? I mean, I'm lazy-but I wanna meet the guy who needs that. Some guy going, "You know, I could go for a sandwich-but, uh, I'm not gonna open two jars. I can't be opening and closing all kinds of jars. Cleaning, who knows how many knives!?"”

Knows Needs Kind Mean I Can Two Funny Guy Know How Saws Comedy Stores Opening All Kinds Lazy Knives Cleaning Closing Sandwiches Jars Peanuts Jelly Peanut Butter Peanut Butter And Jelly

Author:Brian Regan

“I saw this sign posted once, it said, "Blasting Zone Ahead." Wow. Shouldn't that read: "Road Closed?" What do you mean there's a blasting zone? What am I supposed to do? "Hey-uh, you might wanna buckle up. Blasting zone coming up. Yeah. Just saw the sign. Put the helmets on back there! Yeah I think we're- (Pow!)- Oh! We're getting close! (Pow!)- Oh! This is gonna be a bad blasting zone! Remember that last one-we lost Billy?"”

Thinking Mean Said Might Funny Lasts Remember Lost Saws Comedy Yeah Hey Zone Wow Helmet Pow Buckles

Author:Brian Regan

“"Ladies and Gentlemen, we're about to begin boarding. If we could ask for your cooperation, please stay seated until you row has been called." ... That's what they say - but somehow, by the time it comes out of the speaker, it sounds like, "Everybody up and rush the door! Everybody up and try to squeeze your big fat butts in the small gate door area! Immediately! ... Do whatever you have to do to get on board. This is the last helicopter out of Vietnam!"”

Ifs Trying Has Beens Bigs Funny Lasts Asks Sound Comedy Doors Please Areas Fats Boards Gentleman Gates Cooperation Vietnam Speakers Helicopters Ladies And Gentlemen Please Stay

Author:Brian Regan

“I drove myself to the Emergency Room. That's a nice relaxing drive. "Noooo, after you. Merge-everybody merge."”

Funny Rooms Comedy Nice Emergencies Emergency Room

Author:Brian Regan

“How come they don't think you can handle a new story out of the blue on the TV news? They gotta make a little lame segue. "Hey, that's a big lotto jackpot! Speaking of lotto, there was a lot o' crime in the city today."”

Thinking Littles Stories Bigs Today Funny Cities Comedy Crime Tvs News Blue Handle Hey Lame Jackpot Tv News

Author:Brian Regan

“I did some writing for that movie. The remake of Planet of the Apes. I didn't write the script. But I wrote some lines that they ended up... not using. ... I wrote one line. I thought it would've been perfect. I don't know if anyone saw the movie. It's the scene where the ape general comes in. And they're trying to decide if they should attack right there, or wait until a little later. And I wrote: "Man these bananas are good!" But they didn't use it. I did all of that research.”

Ifs Knows Men Should Writing Trying Littles Use Funny Waiting Lines Perfect Saws Comedy Planets Scene Research Scripts Apes Bananas Remakes One Line

Author:Brian Regan

“If a movie makes it really big, they do the obvious thing, right? They make an amusement park ride out of it. ... The connection is obvious. You get off, "Man, that was just like the movie! Only the movie had a storyline and characters, and that was a little more like a roller coaster."”

Ifs Men Littles Character Bigs Funny Comedy Connections Obvious Parks Amusement Roller Coaster Coasters Storyline Obvious Things Amusement Parks

Author:Brian Regan

“I think the most horrible name for a crime has to be manslaughter. ... "I slaughtered a man! Just like a pig! Put him on a spit and put an apple in his mouth!"”

Thinking Men Funny Names Comedy Crime Mouths Horrible Apples Pigs Spit Manslaughter

Author:Brian Regan

“Farrakhan got everybody together for the Million Man March and everything. But Farrakhan don't like the Jews. Which is bugged. I get my hair cut on Dekalb Avenue. I never been in a barbershop and heard a bunch of brothers talking about Jews. Black people don't hate Jews. Black people hate white people! We don't got time to dice white people up into little groups. I hate everybody! I don't care if you just got here. "Hey, I'm Romanian." "You Romanian cracker!"”

“That's all we had when I was a kid: Robitussin. No matter what you got, Robitussin better handle it. "Daddy, I got asthma." "Robitussin." "I got cancer." "Robitussin." "I broke my leg." Daddy poured Robitussin on it. "Yeah, boy, let that 'tussin get in there. Yeah, boy, let that 'tussin get on down to the bone. The 'tussin ought to straighten out the bone."”

Matter Kids Funny Boys Comedy Ought No Matter What Yeah Cancer Legs Bones Handle Broke Daddy Asthma

Author:Chris Rock

“There is a strength of conviction that can only come from being 100% wrong.”

Funny Comedy Conviction

Author:Stephen Schneider

“I wish I could blame my failure on my integrity & refusal to play bullshit games. But the truth is I just play them really badly.”

Play Funny Games Wish Comedy Integrity Truth Is Blame Bullshit Refusal

Author:Stephen Schneider

“Even hating myself I still think I'm better than you.”

Thinking Stills Funny Hate Comedy Better Than You

Author:Stephen Schneider

“I only lie for sex or money or to practice for when I need to lie for sex or money.”

Needs Funny Lying Sex Practice Comedy

Author:Stephen Schneider

“They seal the subway change-booth guy up inside this thing with bullet-proof glass, closed in on all sides, it's like some kind of Houdini torture tank of doom. How do you breathe in there? It looks like if you put your hand over the change slot, you could suffocate him in thirty seconds.”

Ifs Looks Kind Hands Funny Guy Sides Comedy Glasses Breathe Proof Thirty Torture Seconds Bullets Doom Tanks Seals Subway Houdini

Author:Jerry Seinfeld

“Why does that pharmacist have to be two and a half feet higher than everybody else? Who the hell is this guy? "Clear out, everybody. I'm working with pills up here. I'm taking them from this big bottle and then I'm gonna put them in the little bottle. That's my whole job. I can't be down on the floor with you people."”

People Littles Doe I Can Two Whole Bigs Funny Jobs Guy Half Hell Clear Comedy Feet Higher Bottles This Guy Pills Pharmacist

Author:Jerry Seinfeld

“I'll tell you what I like about Chinese people: they're hanging in there with the chop sticks, aren't they? You know they've seen the fork. They're staying with the sticks.”

People Knows Funny Comedy Sticks Chinese Staying Forks Hey You

Author:Jerry Seinfeld

“Some of the events in the Olympics don't make sense to me. I don't understand the connection to any reality... Like in the Winter Olympics they have that biathlon that combines cross-country skiing with shooting a gun. How many alpine snipers are into this? Ski, shoot a gun... ski, bang, bang, bang... It's like combining swimming and strangling a guy. Why don't we have that? That makes absolutely as much sense to me. Just put people in the pool at the end of each lane for the swimmers.”

“The toughest nights when I was a young, unknown comedian were opening for these real old-time Italian singers. I'm like Grace Jones to them. "This guy is nuts-talking about socks. Where's the wife jokes, where's the fat jokes?"”

Real Funny Young Night Guy Talking Comedy Grace Wife Jokes Singers Fats Opening Comedian Italian Nuts This Guy Sock Old Time

Author:Jerry Seinfeld

“I don't talk about my hair anymore because I've matured. I matured and realized it doesn't matter what you look like. It's what kind of hair you have inside that counts.”

Looks Kind Matter Funny Comedy Hair Matured

Author:Garry Shandling

“I don't wanna be labeled as straight or labeled as gay. I just want people to look at me and see me as white.”

People Want Looks Funny White Comedy Gay Look At Me

Author:Sarah Silverman

“She, uh, came out of the closet recently, my niece. Um... She announced to the family that she's a lesbian and... She's seven, did I mention that? And, uh, I don't even know if she knows what a lesbian is, but I support her completely. And, uh... I'll tell you what's heartbreaking. My sister punished her for it. Can you believe that? No pussy for a week. Which to us may not sound like... But when you're seven, you know, a week is a long time.”

Ifs Knows Believe May Long Funny Sound Support Comedy Week Long Time Seven My Sister Closets Heartbreaking Pussy Niece My Niece

Author:Sarah Silverman

“The arresting officer, who I had literally known, all my life. You know what I mean? This guy lived four doors down the street me, in a town of less than four hundred people. *We've met.* Now, he takes me to jail, and he asks me if I have any aliases. And I was just being a smartass, and I said, "Yeah. They call me, "Tater Salad!" Seventeen years later, I'm handcuffed on a bench in New York with blood coming out of my nose, and this cop goes, "Are you Ron 'Tater Salad' White?"”

“Like comedy, horror has an ability to provoke thought and further the conversation on real social issues in a very powerful way.”

Way Real Social Ability Powerful Issues Comedy Horror Conversation Provoking Social Issues Very Powerful

Author:Jordan Peele

“I get stage fright with short stories. For me it feels like standup comedy: kill or die. I'm more confident when I begin a novel because I know I have space to fail.”

Knows Feels Stories Dies Space Novel Comedy Failing Stage Short Story Fright Stage Fright

Author:Sefi Atta

“Sometimes I become the comedy jukebox. I read the emails, people give me requests.The shows are just amazing; they're packed with people and they're so much fun to do.”

People Giving Sometimes Shows Fun Comedy Give Me Email Request Jukebox

Author:Pablo Francisco

“I tend to find comedy in dark places. I also tend to find comedy in taking on the status quo - which has always been something I find important.”

Important Dark Comedy Status Quo Dark Places

Author:Tom Green

“It's exciting to be able to do something completely independent without anybody challenging it, and it's a big part of the reason why I'm enjoying doing the stand-up comedy, is I'm able to go out and interact with people one-on-one after the show. It's very punk-rock.”

People Reason Shows Bigs Able Enjoy Challenges Comedy Rocks Exciting Independent Reason Why Punk Punk Rock One On One Stand Up Comedy

Author:Tom Green

“I'm a comedian. I make comic films and there are certain ideas that occur to me that are comic, with heavy, serious undertones. There are some ideas that are more frivolous to me. The next idea that could occur to me could be comedy about death and famine or something.”

Ideas Film Certain Next Comedy Serious Heavy Comic Comedian Famine Frivolous

Author:Woody Allen

“You make films whether they're dramas or comedies about neurotic people. Flawed people. Interesting personality traits. To make them about calm, stable untroubled people isn't interesting.”

People Film Interesting Comedy Personality Drama Calm Traits Stable Flawed Neurotic Personality Traits Interesting Personalities

Author:Woody Allen

“The way I reacted to 9/11 was I decided I didn't want to do any movies that are sad or critical. I decided I didn't want to make my living depressing people or making them go home sick, so I just decided I wanted to do comedy for a while and study it for a while. It doesn't mean everybody should do that, but that was my reaction.”

People Way Want Should Mean Home Wanted Study Comedy Decided Sick Critical Reactions Depressing Home Sick

Author:Jack Nicholson

“Comedy is much harder, it's a lot more exacting. You can't just be real and you can't just use the same kind of techniques you use to fill up a regular scene.”

Kind Real Use Comedy Scene Harder Technique Being Real

Author:Jack Nicholson

“Comedy is more difficult. You can look at scenes when you're doing a drama like, Maybe it works, but in comedy, when you're doing it, either it works or it doesn't. You have to keep doing it until it does, and the requirement is more.”

Looks Doe Difficult Comedy Drama Scene Requirements

Author:Jack Nicholson

“Comedy is crowded. There are hundreds of comedians in every place in the world.”

World Comedy Comedian Crowded Places In The World

Author:Trevor Noah

“When I first started doing comedy, there was no such thing as a room that had black people and white people in it. That didn't exist.”

People Firsts Black White Rooms Comedy Black People

Author:Trevor Noah

“Comedy is a great tool. We [comics] are trying to find ways to use humor to enlighten people without preaching to them.”

People Way Trying Use Comedy Tools Preaching Enlightening

Author:Trevor Noah

“I mean, teenage girls and their fathers don't have a lot in common, but when you add something like comedy into the mix, it just opens up all sorts of doors for them to bond.”

Mean Girl Father Common Comedy Doors Add Teenage Teenage Girl

Author:Stephanie Beatriz

“I wrote a comedy, which hopefully [Rick director] Curtiss Clayton will bring to the screen, that I thought was the antithesis of all my work. I thought it was light and sunshiny, and Mr. Clayton reminded me that it is the story of a woman kidnapped and forced to do things against her will, which is not what most people think of as light and sunshiny.”

People Thinking Stories Light Comedy Directors Screens Hopefully Antithesis Kidnapped

Author:Daniel Handler

“Whenever you're making a dark comedy, you're always looking for the yin and yang in an actor.”

Actors Dark Comedy Yang Yin And Yang Dark Comedy

Author:Jamie Babbit

“I gravitate towards dark comedy, because I'm a huge fan of dark comedy. I always think the most painful thing that you can laugh at is the best.”

Thinking Dark Laughing Comedy Fans Huge Painful Painful Things Dark Comedy

Author:Jamie Babbit

“I'm not playing a comedy. I want to be playing the truth of the moment, and then have the comedy come out.”

Want Moments Comedy

Author:Zooey Deschanel

“I think the possibility of continuing on a comedy is greater than a drama.”

Thinking Comedy Greater Possibility Drama Continuing Continuing On

Author:John Landgraf

“I can't think of any bank robbery comedy where it's about two normal guys. It's kind of like Superbad meets Heat, which is a cool combo, and it's just fun doing a normal guy that's robbing a bank.”

Thinking Kind I Can Two Guy Fun Comedy Normal Heat Robbery Robbing Bank Robbery

Author:Aziz Ansari

“I'm an actor who loves doing comedy.”

Actors Comedy

Author:Martin Short

“I still do live concerts all over the country - about four a month - with singing and characters and improv. It keeps me limber. I'll never lose that. And comedy is still the bread and butter.”

Stills Country Character Loses Comedy Four Months Singing Bread Concerts Bread And Butter Live Concerts

Author:Martin Short

“When it's a comedy or drama or horror or romance, it's all the same. You want to be honest with the character. You want to play truthfully and you want to be genuine with your character.”

Want Play Character Romance Comedy Honest Drama Horror Genuine Being Honest

Author:Mila Kunis

“As soon as you meet him [james Corden], within five minutes you'll want to sleep with him. He presented me with my award for Comedy Actress of the Year at the Glamour Awards and he said such lovely things. He's so charming and he listens to you and he's funny and sensitive and adorable. I can totally see why all the women fall for him.”

Want Years Said I Can Fall Sleep Five Comedy Minutes Actresses Lovely Sensitive Awards Charming Five Minutes Glamour Adorable Lovely Things Want To Sleep

Author:Joanna Page

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