Best jokes & i-can Quotes | Short & Famous Sayings Page 2

“As long as I could hold a pencil, I was drawing and telling stories and making jokes. I've just been lucky that no one ever stopped me, and now I can do that for a living.”

Long I Can Stories Can Do Lucky Jokes Drawing Pencils Telling Stories

Author:Alex Hirsch

“I don't think I ever wrote a song. I can write a lot of jokes, but when I try to write lyrics they're the most direct, non-figurative words, like, 'I like you, I like you,'... and that's it, for the whole song. People would go, 'Ooh, this guy's Dylan or something.' It gives me a lot more respect for songwriters, actually.”

People Thinking Giving Writing Trying I Can Whole Guy Song Like You Jokes Direct Give Me Songwriters This Guy Dylan I Like You

Author:Demetri Martin

“I'm not a big one for jokes. I can't tell a joke, believe it or not. If you gave me a thousand bucks and said, "Don, get up at a party and tell a joke," I'm the worst.”

Ifs Believe Said I Can Bigs Party Worst Thousand Jokes Get Up Bucks

Author:Don Rickles

“I know that's not the right accent, but I can't do the right accent. It's either the wrong accent or another Octomom joke.”

Knows I Can Jokes Accents

Author:Craig Ferguson

“The government, the state, they're just objects of jokes rather than serious consideration. I can't possibly take them seriously.”

I Can States Government Objects Serious Jokes Consideration

Author:Joseph Brodsky

“And I watch all the dailies and I grade the jokes or the moments, you know, on a scale from... so I know exactly what we have. And so I can then go into the editing room and be like "I want you to do this moment, this moment, this joke, that joke. I'd like to see 3 versions."”

Knows Want I Can Moments Rooms Watches Jokes Scales Versions Grades I Want You Editing

Author:Nicholas Stoller

“If I just do everything the opposite of what my dad did, I think that will make things pretty easy. I can joke about it now because I'm past that stage where it used to hurt. By having a kid, it's gone. I could take all that negative energy that I had and put it in a positive way.”

Ifs Thinking Way I Can Kids Past Used Energy Easy Hurt Gone Stage Dad Jokes Negative Opposites My Dad Negative Energy

Author:Derrick Rose

“Believe it or not, I write on stage. I can't write anywhere else; I have to be in a moment. I also have to challenge myself to make something funny out of a premise. I never have my own jokes written. I have to change things as I go along, and I have to entertain myself.”

Writing Believe I Can Moments Challenges My Own Written Stage Jokes Premises

Author:J. B. Smoove

“When you're on stage performing stand-up, things only happen one time. I've done bits where I improv a joke, and people are dying. The next show, I try to repeat it, I can't do it. Because with the first audience that was our moment. It can't happen the same way again. We were all there: a certain type of people were at that show and we all got it.”

People Way Trying Firsts I Can Done Moments Shows Happens Certain Next Bits Audience Stage Dying Type Jokes Performing Repeats One Time

Author:J. B. Smoove

“I'm not a jazz musician, because, I mean, firstly, I can't play anything. I'm not bad on the tamborine. I have a certain way with the triangle. But I'm not a jazz musician ... my band, they always joke, they always say that I'm a disposable, pop, jazz superstar.”

Way Mean I Can Play Certain Band Musician Jokes Jazz Pops Jazz Music Superstar Jazz Musician Disposable Triangles

Author:Michael Buble

“Anytime I can get either of them really laughing, I immediately pull out a pad of paper write the joke down, regardless of where we are or what we're doing. I must be absolutely insufferable.”

Writing I Can Laughing Paper Jokes Pads Insufferable

Author:Anthony Marra

“I can't stand not being able to joke around on set, so I have to.”

I Can Able Jokes

Author:Johnny Depp

“I use a lot of humor, and I follow the saying that if you want to tell people the truth, you better make them laugh first, otherwise, they will shoot you. So I can tell you a joke and maybe you will laugh at the beginning. But it's not about telling jokes.”

People Ifs Want Firsts I Can Use Laughing Jokes

Author:Sayed Kashua

“I think having a good life prompts it... anybody who has a good life and looks around them sees the enormous disparity that exists in the world between those people who do and those that don't. I can't say we walk about our guilt a lot, though. If we do, it probably comes out in the form of self-loathing jokes. But it's a tough thing to wrap your head around... the have's and have not's in the world.”

People Ifs Thinking World Looks I Can Self Form Walks Jokes Tough Guilt Enormous Good Life Wraps Loathing Prompts Self Loathing Disparity Tough Things

Author:Nicole Holofcener

“Russell Crowe likes to tell jokes, which I can't. I can't remember a joke to save my life. I don't have a brain for it.”

I Can Remember Brain Jokes Likes

Author:Rachel McAdams

“I've reached a new level of closeness with a new friend when I can make a joke at their expense. That's one of the great joys of life for me.”

I Can Joy Levels Jokes Expenses Joy Of Life Closeness New Friends Great Joy

Author:Kenneth Lonergan

“I've found great virtue in two-thirds of the way into the message; right before I'm really want to nail home a point, pausing to tell a joke or to tell a light-hearted story, because I know my audience has been working with me now for 20 or 25 minutes. And if I can get them to laugh, get oxygen into their system, it wakes up those who might be sleeping, so there's something about using a story to draw people back in right before you drive home your final point. In that case I think it's real legitimate just to use a story for story's sake.”

“I can't defend someone else's jokes. I can only defend my jokes, and I have to live with my own jokes.”

I Can My Own Jokes

Author:Jeff Ross

“No matter what I face, I must have a mindset that 'it must go this way.' Although it gets to the point where I can't joke around for fun, I'm working hard right now, which is why I think I can look at matters through an objective point of view.”

Thinking Way Looks I Can Matter Hard Faces Fun Views Right Now Jokes No Matter What Mindset Point Of View Objectives

Author:Yunho

“You think that sense of humor goes as far as our ideology. I think that ultimately, we have we have very interesting reactions on our show. People are constantly saying, "I love your-your show is so funny, until you made a joke about global warming, which is a serious issue, and I can't believe you did that. And I am never watching your show again."”

People Thinking Believe Made I Can Shows Interesting Issues Love You Serious Jokes Reactions Ideology Global Warming Sense Of Humor Very Interesting Say I Love You Serious Issues

Author:Jon Stewart

“I find it incredibly boring when people are mean about some individuals, especially if the individual has no power. I can understand how someone deems it necessary if somebody is in power to tear them down - I think that's really crucial. I make a lot of mean jokes about myself; as a theme, suffering seems to me a very interesting thing for comedy, but not the suffering of a particular individual.”

People Ifs Thinking Mean I Can Seems Suffering Individual Interesting Comedy Tears Particular Jokes Boring Theme Crucial Very Interesting Interesting Things

Author:Dylan Moran

“Being funny is one of my greatest strengths. I can make girls smile when they're down, and when they're having a good time, I can carry on the joke.”

I Can Happiness Joy Girl Laughter Jokes Down And Smile Good Times Having A Good Time Being Funny

Author:John Krasinski

“Stand up is really fun because if I think of a joke or a funny idea, then I can just go and tell some people and if they laugh, they laugh right away.”

People Ifs Thinking I Can Ideas Funny Fun Laughing Jokes

Author:Demetri Martin

“Sometimes, comics will make the observation that it's not jokes that are funny, it's characters that are funny. And isn't that true! That's why I always kill jokes. I'm terrible at them, because I get the joke right, but I can't get the character right, and it just goes down like a lead balloon.”

I Can Sometimes Character Terrible Jokes Observation Balloons

Author:David Mitchell

“Even when I lecture per se, I am a joke comedian, I can do the voices.”

I Can Voice Can Do Jokes Comedian Lectures

Author:Dave Pelzer

“I've been keeping a diary for thirty-three years and write in it every morning. Most of it's just whining, but every so often there'll be something I can use later: a joke, a description, a quote. It's an invaluable aid when it comes to winning arguments. 'That's not what you said on February 3, 1996,' I'll say to someone.”

“When I'm concentrating, I can be fixed in place for hours. In fact, there was a joke in my office that everybody would come and chat outside my door because they knew - no matter how loud they talked - if I was concentrating, it would not disturb me at all.”

Ifs I Can Matter Facts Hours Doors Office Jokes Loud Fixed Concentrating

Author:Sonia Sotomayor

“From as long as, literally as far back as I can remember I've liked puns, word jokes, I can literally recall looking at a comic at the age of six or seven and I remember what I enjoyed and what it was precisely and how the joke worked.”

Long I Can Age Remember Six Jokes Seven Comic Enjoyed Birthday Recalls 60th Birthday Pun

Author:Tom Stoppard

“I often joke that I straddle psychosis and neurosis, and that being an artist keeps me in the middle, so I can work between the two.”

I Can Two Artist Middle Jokes Neurosis Being An Artist Psychosis

Author:Sam Taylor-Wood

“In almost every interview someone asks what does HIM stand for. I can't even remember our latest lie about that. When Hanson was hot, we said it means Hanson Is Murder. The name doesn't have a particular history. His Infernal Majesty was a totally different band. I think HIM derives from some death metal joke.”

Thinking Mean Doe Said I Can Different Remember Lying Asks Names Particular Band Jokes Murder Hot Interviews Metals Majesty Death Metal

Author:Ville Valo

“But for me to have the opportunity to stand in front of a bunch of executives and present myself, I had to hustle in my own way. I can't tell you how frustrating it was that they didn't get that. No joke - I'd leave meetings crying all the time.”

Way I Can Opportunity My Own Fronts Cry Jokes Meetings Bunch Executives Frustrating Hustle

Author:Kanye West

“Television is the Antichrist, and I can assure you after only three or four generations, people will no longer even know how to fart on their own and humans will return to medieval savagery and to the general state of imbecility that slugs overcame back in the Pleistocene era. Our world will not die as a result of the bomb...it will die of laughter, of banality, of making a joke of everything and a lousy joke at that.”

“I'd heard of Evergreen Care Center before. Cass and I had always made fun of the stupid ads they ran on TV, featuring some dragged-out woman with a limp perm and big, painted-on circles under her eyes, downing vodka and sobbing uncontrollably. "We can't heal you at Evergreen", the very somber voiceover said. "But we can help you to heal yourself." It had become our own running joke, applicable to almost anything. "Hey Cass, "I'd say, "hand me that toothpaste." "Caitlin," she'd say, her voice dark and serious. "I can't hand you the toothpaste. But I CAN help you hand the toothpaste to yourself.”

Made Said I Can Helping Hands Bigs Eye Care Running Fun Voice Dark Heard Stupid Serious Tvs Jokes Circles Heal Hey Ran Ads Her Eyes Vodka Sobbing Toothpaste Somber Evergreens Downing Perms

Book:Dreamland

Source: Dreamland

“If I can't joke about imminent death, then I might as well just resign.”

Ifs Wells I Can Might Jokes Optimistic Imminent Death

Book:Search for the Red Dragon

Source: Search for the Red Dragon

“They all think any minute I'm going to commit suicide. What a joke. The truth of course is the exact opposite: suicide is the only thing that keeps me alive. Whenever everything else fails, all I have to do is consider suicide and in two seconds I'm as cheerful as a nitwit. But if I could not kill myself -- ah then, I would. I can do without nembutal or murder mysteries but not without suicide.”

Ifs Thinking I Can Two Courses Can Do Alive Failing Mystery Minutes Jokes Opposites Murder Suicide Commit If I Could Seconds Cheerful Murder Mysteries

Book:The Moviegoer

Source: The Moviegoer

“And there's a cop over there." "What?" the boy said, glancing at the D.C. police officer that stood at the corner of the street, "You think that guys can do a better job protecting you than I can?" Actually, I thought Liz could have done a better job "protecting" me than he could, but instead I said, "No, I think if you don't leave me alone, I can scream and that cop will arrest you." Somehow the boy seemed to know it was a joke.”

Source: Cross My Heart And Hope To Spy

“Each thing I do, I rush through so I can do something else. In such a way do the days pass - -a blend of stock car racing and the never ending building of a gothic cathedral. Through the windows of my speeding car I see all that I love falling away: books unread, jokes untold, landscapes unvisited.”

Way I Can Book Fall Can Do Car Building Jokes Window Landscape Racing Gothic Never Ending Cathedrals Can Do Something Speeding Car Racing Speeding Cars Stock Car Racing

Author:Stephen Dobyns

“Or if I truly gave up I could be like Wet Lindsay. When Robbie dumped her she got all pale and even wetter than normal. She was like an anoraksick. (A person who is both very thin and wears tragic anoraks.) I just made that up as a joke. Even though I am very upset I can still think of a joke.”

Ifs Thinking Persons Made Stills I Can Normal Jokes Upset Tragic Wet Pale Gave Up Dumped Dumped Her

Author:Louise Rennison

“You know, I wouldn’t have done this a month ago. I wouldn’t have done it then. Then I was avoiding. Now I’m just waiting. Things happen to me. They do. They have to go ahead and happen. You watch – you wait… Things still happen here and something is waiting to happen to me. I can tell. Recently my life feels like a bloodcurdling joke. Recently my life has taken on *form* Something is waiting. I am waiting. Soon, it will stop waiting – any day now. Awful things can happen any time. This is the awful thing.”

Knows Feels Stills I Can Done Happens Form Waiting Watches Taken Months Jokes Things Happen Awful Avoiding

Author:Martin Amis

“I can’t be sure, of course, but I’d compare it to living on tofu and soy milk; we call ourselves vegetarians, our little inside joke. - Edward Cullen”

Littles I Can Courses Jokes Compare Vegetarian Milk Living On Tofu Soy Inside Jokes Soy Milk

Author:Stephenie Meyer

“We each get fifteen minutes before the Gamemakers to amaze them with our skills, but I don't know what any of us might have to show them. There's a lot of kidding about it at lunch. What we might do. Sing, dance, strip, tell jokes. Mags, who i can understand a little better now, decides she's just going to take a nap.”

Knows Littles I Can Shows Might Minutes Skills Jokes Lunch Fifteen Naps Better Now Mags

Author:Suzanne Collins

“Poseidon grinned. "You're doing well with those new cabins, by the way. I suppose this means I can claim all those other sons and daughters of mine and send you some siblings next summer." "Ha-ha." Poseidon reeled in his empty line. I shifted my feet. "Um, you were kidding, right?" Poseidon gave me one of his inside-joke winks, and I still didn't know whether he was serious or not.”

Knows Way Wells Mean Stills I Can Next Lines Feet Mines Serious Son Summer Jokes Daughter Empty Claims Sibling Cabins Son And Daughter Poseidon Inside Jokes

Author:Rick Riordan

“Leo. Jason said, you're wierd. Yeah, you tell me that a lot. Leo grinned. But if you don't remember me, that means I can reuse all my old jokes. Come on!”

Ifs Mean Said I Can Remember Jokes Yeah Jason Remember Me Old Jokes Reuse

Book:Percy Jackson and the Last Olympian

Source: Percy Jackson and the Last Olympian

“My dowry is thirty-five. A year.” His brows climbed. “You’re joking.” “I would never joke about money with a notorious thief. Just imagine, in a mere two years you’re at a profit.” “How I adore a woman who does mathematics in her head.” “I can forge signatures as well.” “Splendid. Exactly the bride I’ve been hoping for.”

Years Wells Doe I Can Two Five Imagine Jokes Mathematics Mere Profit Thirty Two Years Thieves Adore Splendid Brides Brows Signatures Notorious Dowry

Author:Shana Abe

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