“I could see myself adopting a kid someday. But, obviously, I'd prefer it to be aborted.”
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Famous Anthony Jeselnik Quotes
“Sure, retarded jokes write themselves. But the spelling is always way off.”
“I want to marry the kind of girl that walks out of an abortion clinic with a lollipop.”
“Of all the ways people save time, I think racism is the worst.”
“I killed a squirrel once with a car. Twice with a tennis racket.”
“I don't have a type, really. But I've always been more attracted to girls who yell fire.”
“Stereotypes wouldn't be so bad if black people were nicer, in general.”
“What do they call that hat Jewish guys always wear? A Yankees cap.”
“Racist dermatologists think all black people have really bad skin.”
“I think my friend Jeff is gay. I don't know - I'm so bad with names.”
“Halloween is just a made up holiday, created by the razor blade industry.”
“Father's Day makes me wish I could talk to my Dad just one more time, instead of all the time.”
“My dad was amazing. He raised five boys. All by himself. Without the rest of us knowing.”
“I would love to DJ the royal wedding. Just so I could play Candle in the Wind non-stop.”
“I feel like every first episode of a TV show is bad, you know, and it always improves.”
“My favorite part of going to a wedding is ruining the wedding.”
“Watching soccer just makes me wish I was watching Foosball.”
“I'm very arrogant and mean. I'm almost like a bad guy professional wrestler.”
“The true meaning of Christmas is actually centuries of gullibility.”
“I can drink like a fish, or at least, someone born with fetal alcohol syndrome.”
“I want to get a tattoo of the word irony, only misspelled.”
“I was always fascinated by forbidden things people didn't want to talk about, like death.”
“I don't ever want to have kids of my own. But I do want a lot of kids.”
“When I was seven, I broke my leg playing soccer. Just to feel something.”