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Famous Demetri Martin Quotes
“To remove blood stains from your conscience try frozen margaritas.”
“I think the most annoying language is a tie between all the ones I don't know how to speak.”
“One thing you never hear is "Man that guy is good at badminton".”
“A large portion of the Earth's land area is taken up by old varsity jackets.”
“My mind says one thing, but my body says another. Thanks a lot, Indian food and beer.”
“When telling a story about how wasted you were last night, stop.”
“Right before I'm about to talk at length about something I like I say, Get me started.”
“To make even fewer friends try talking about politics as much as you talk about yourself.”
“A good name for a gang would be The Uneducated Idiot Tough Guys.”
“I wonder if, as a society, we will ever be able to call someone a jive tofurkey.”
“It's Thursday and it really feels like a Thursday. Sometimes things just work out.”
“Someday I will tell my grandchildren that I lived in the era when OK was abbreviated to K.”
“If you are trying to impress a woman, leave any sort of show farting out of the equation.”
“Small businesses are important, but so are tiny businesses.”
“To remove all credibility from what you're saying try wearing sunglasses on your forehead.”
“I don't want to be my own boss. I want to be my own colleague.”
“If I had to pick one artist to tile my bathroom I would go with MC Escher.”
“Dogs seem more photogenic than cats. In photos most cats look like sociopaths.”
“Sometimes I like to go outside without even checking the weather first.”
“Skeet shooting is probably more satisfying if you really hate skeets.”
“I would like to have windshield wipers that do the whole windshield, please.”
“It is interesting that the black BMW is the preferred car of so many assholes.”
“It would be nice if people said, God bless you not just when you sneezed but also when you farted.”
“A cool tattoo design is any drawing that would also look good saggy.”
“Our Times, a Brief History: As televisions became flatter, People became rounder.”
“I am a man. And I am former baby and a future skeleton, and I am a distant future pile of dust.”