“Multi-Choice question: My dishwasher is: efficient; hilarious.”
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Famous Demetri Martin Quotes
“Sometimes it looks like I'm dancing, but it's just that I walked into a spider web.”
Source: This Is a Book
“Cotton candy is the perfect snack for when I'm in the mood to eat dry, scratchy fabric.”
Source: This Is a Book
“The best way to make somebody feel important is to try to assassinate them.”
Source: This Is a Book
“99.99% of all castles in America are located in fish tanks.”
Source: This Is a Book
“Reality is a concept that depends largely upon where you point your face.”
Source: Point Your Face at This: Drawings
“Fire truck with back end on fire drives really fast in circles.”
“Bowling would be more interesting if it were slightly uphill.”
“Popcorn is one of the only situations in which you eat the result of an explosion.”
“It would be interesting if Elvis were reincarnated as an Elvis impersonator.”
“I wish my name started with a comma. That would be so dramatic.”
“I never went bungee jumping. The closest I did was I was born.”
“I don't usually fly in first class, but I fart in first class.”
“Separate but equal is terrible for education but it's perfect for eyebrows.”