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Famous Demetri Martin Quotes
“I tend to avoid televisions, politics, and places with velvet ropes.”
“I was a good student when I was a kid, and I did everything I was supposed to do, and I got A's.”
“It feels like every day or two, people on Twitter and the Internet are outraged about something.”
“As a creative person, you want to have a foothold and sense of progress.”
“It's hard to know what's gay in life. Boxing. That's two men fighting over a belt.”
“I think hair gel was invented to make it easier to identify assholes from a distance.”
“Game, set, match equals tennis. Set, match, run equals arson.”
“I went whale watching once. It was very similar to watching people on a boat become disappointed.”
“I think one of the most groundbreaking inventions of all time is the jackhammer.”
“It's not enough to say I'm sorry. You have to also mean it. It's the same with saying I'm single.”
“One time I saw an old man in a hurry and I thought, 'That makes sense.'”
“A sports bar is a way to take a bar and fill it with even more annoying people than usual.”
“If you want to dry hump someone you don't know, just act like they were choking.”
“What's this about rice milk? I didn't even know rice had nipples!”
“The definition of adventure depends upon how boring your life is.”
“I think cats would have an even worse attitude if they found out how stupid their names were.”
“Drunken behavior will not be tolerated, except by those who are being hilarious.”