“You can make a very heavy and kind of dangerous 3-way shot glass out of a bowling ball.”
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Famous Demetri Martin Quotes
“When I stub my toe it's like I pressed a button that plays all the curse words I know.”
“The key to life is balance, especially if you are on a ledge.”
“A car alarm is a way for a car to tell everyone that its owner is an asshole.”
“A lot of things look cooler in slow motion. Eating isn't one of them.”
“Turtles are greater than baby nephews, because it's ok to drop a turtle.”
“You never forget your first kiss. And that's what makes it so hard to forgive my uncle.”
“There are very few songs about just liking someone as a friend.”
“I think my favorite sound is the sound of someone not playing the bongos.”
“A parade looks like a bunch of people are excited about being in traffic.”
“Don't talk to strangers. Sure, unless you want to meet anyone ever.”
“At the battle of the bands the loser's always the audience.”
“They should call fishing what it really is... tricking and killing!”
“When I am at rodeo I find it difficult not to root for the animals.”
“When a couch potato is sliced up and then deep fried that is couch french fries.”
“If I could control the behavior of fat guys I would make them ride mopeds more often.”
“One of the most difficult and ironic murder weapons is the life jacket.”
“They say it's lonely at the top. It must be even lonelier at the tippy top.”
“History, like wallpaper, repeats itself and can also make a room look old-fashioned.”
“If you have a lair then you are probably not a good person.”
“Overheard today in restaurant: Can you stop listening to our conversation?”
“I wear dark sunglasses when I want my head to look more like a limousine.”
“It is a little ironic that one thing a babysitter should not do is sit on a baby.”
“Never forget where you came from. That's what I think when I walk into a cave.”
“When I am holding a water balloon, so many things look so unnecessarily dry.”
“I find that a shirt is most similar to a napkin when I don't have a napkin.”
“My credit card company says I have an outstanding balance. I'm flattered.”
“Having a beard is a good way to make your face more susceptible to velcro.”
“If you want to feel less sexy put scotch tape on your nipples.”
“To make a squirrel look less uptight, put tiny sunglasses on it.”
“There is a fine line between a sleepover and just drinking way too much at someone else's house.”
“When I am given a multiple choice test I choose not to take it.”