Filter quotes by topic
Famous Demetri Martin Quotes
“I think bears and worms aren't very similar... until you think of gummy.”
“There's a very fine line between giving someone the Heimlich maneuver and dry-humping a stranger.”
“I want to launch a globe into space just to mess with the astronauts.”
“The problem with most people, is that they are most people.”
“If only loud people were even half as interesting as they think they are.”
“Villains fear me because I am unpredictable and broccoli. See what I mean?”
“I can always tell how stupid someone is by how certain they are about what they're saying.”
“A jerk on a motorcycle is equal to a leaf, because I find it beautiful when these things fall.”
“Leave no stone unturned in your quest to disrupt a rock garden.”
“A Rubik's cube is equal to a drag queen. It's really colorful, but I don't wanna do it.”
“Count your blessings, but not out-loud, at the top of your lungs.”
“I am bravery. I am courage. I am valor. I am daring. I am holding a thesaurus.”
“I am what I eat. And I am this especially when I bite my nails.”
“Brought to you by raising your voice. The next best thing to being right.”
“Statistics indicate that the average American is a guy named Brian who lives in Ohio.”
“There is no I in Team, unless you count the vertical part of the T.”
“I can tell how lonely I am by how easily I'm fooled by a mannequin in a store.”
“The reason you often get in comedy is because you're not getting laid.”
“There is probably more invisible tape out there than we realize.”
“Halloween's my favorite holiday because you don't have to spend it with your family.”
“The Pursuit of Happiness: It sure seems to like a good chase, doesn't it?”