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Famous Demetri Martin Quotes
“I think it's cool when an ex-girlfriend becomes an XL girlfriend.”
“I want to make a revolving door that says 'Pull' on it, just see how obedient people are.”
“I wanna buy a bunch of hermit crabs and make them live together.”
“You can say 'Thanks,' and you can say 'Thanks a Million' - but any number in between?”
“The lord works in mysterious ways. Indeed. And a shorter way to say that is: God is a sneak.”
“I like birthdays. Every time someone is born, that's just like bringing more cake into the world.”
“I got into stand up just to do stand up because I love stand up.”
“I believe in empathy. When religion provides that for people, it's the best thing in the world.”
“I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that's 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says 'go outside.'”
“The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.”
“The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.”
“A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive.”
“I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I am good at everything.”
“Saying, 'I'm sorry' is the same as saying, 'I apologize.' Except at a funeral.”
“If I ever saw an amputee getting hanged, I'd probably just start calling out letters.”
“The bird, the bee, the running child are all the same to the sliding glass door.”
“When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults.”