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George Burns Quotes

Comedian

George Burns was an American comedian, writer, and singer, born on January 20, 1896, and died on March 9, 1996. Known for his unique humor and longevity, he is one of the most famous comedians of the 20th century.

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Famous George Burns Quotes

“People are always asking me how much I'm worth. Well, all I can say is, I've got enough money to last me the rest of my life. As long as I die in the next 20 minutes.”

People Wells Long I Can Enough Lasts Dies Next Minutes Asking

Author:George Burns

“By [age] 93, I had shrunk quite a lot. My car was known as the Phantom Cadillac. People would see it whizzing by and they would swear there was no driver.”

People Age Known Car Drivers Swear Phantoms Cadillacs

Author:George Burns

“The happiest people I know are the ones that are still working. The saddest are the ones who are retired. Very few performers retire on their own. It's usually because no one wants them. Six years ago Sinatra announced his retirement. He's still working.”

People Knows Want Years Stills Six Years Ago Retirement Performers Retiring Retired Saddest

Author:George Burns

“I don't worry about getting old. I'm old already. Only young people worry about getting old.”

People Young Worry Getting Old

Author:George Burns

“Yale men do not like to be told anything by people who didn't go to Yale. The closest I came to Yale was once I had one of their padlocks.”

People Men Closest Yale Padlocks

Book:Gracie/Caeser Spec Ed

Source: Gracie/Caeser Spec Ed

“In what other business can a guy my age drink martinis, smoke cigars and sing? I think all people who retire ought to go into show business. I've been retired all my life.”

People Thinking Shows Age Guy Ought Drink Smoke Retiring Show Business Retired Cigar Martini

Author:George Burns

“I did go to school - my kind of school. When I was a kid I went out ... and you meet people. You talk to them. Anybody says something that makes sense, it stays with you, rubs off on you. That kind of school.”

People Kind Kids School Make Sense

Author:George Burns

“Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair.”

People Knows Inspirational Country Humor Running Funny Politics Business Know How Comedy Cutting Hair Busy Driving Political Jokes Bad Politics

Author:George Burns

“If you live to be one hundred, you've got it made. Very few people die past that age.”

People Ifs Made Age Funny Past Death Dies Humorous Hundred Witty Birthday Getting Old Getting Older

Author:George Burns

“I thought to myself, 'why not write a bestseller?' In the first place, more people buy them and more people read them. You make more money and it doesn’t take any more time to write a bestseller than it does to write a book nobody buys.”

People Writing Firsts Doe Book Funny Why Not More Time More Money

Book:The Most of George Burns

Source: The Most of George Burns

“People ask me what I'd most appreciate getting for my eighty-seventh birthday. I tell them, a paternity suit.”

People Age Asks Appreciate Suits Ask Me Birthday Retirement Eighty Funny Aging Funny Age Funny Birthday Old Jokes Funny Happy Birthday Old Age Humor Seventh Birthday

Author:George Burns

“I love to sing, and I love to drink scotch. Most people would rather hear me drink scotch.”

People Funny Music Drink Whiskey Scotch Whisky Funny Music Whiskey Drinking Whisk Scotch Whiskey Scotch Whisky Whiskey And Love

Book:Living It Up

Source: Living It Up

“And God said 'Let there be Satan, so people don't blame everything on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don't blame everything on Satan.'”

People Said Blame Lawyer Satan Good Lawyer

Author:George Burns

“People are always asking me when I'm going to retire. Why should I? I've got it two ways - I'm still making movies, and I'm a senior citizen, so I can see myself at half price.”

People Way Should Stills I Can Two Half Citizens Asking Aging Retiring Should I Senior Two Ways Senior Citizen

Author:George Burns

“Lots of people have asked me what Gracie and I did to make our marriage work. It's simple - we don't do anything. I think the trouble with a lot of people is that they work too hard at staying married. They make a business out of it. When you work too hard at a business you get tired; and when you get tired you get grouchy; and when you get grouchy you start fighting; and when you start fighting you're out of business.”

People Thinking Hard Wisdom Fighting Simple Trouble Married Tired Staying Working It Grouchy

Book:Living It Up

Source: Living It Up

“I don't worry about getting old. I'm old already. Only young people worry about getting old. When I was 65, I had Cupid's eczema. I don't believe in dying. It's been done. I'm working on a new exit. Besides, I can't die now - I'm booked.”

People Believe I Can Done Young Dies Worry Dying Aging Don't Believe Getting Old Exit Cupid Eczema

Author:George Burns

“Just because you're old that doesn't mean you're more forgetful. The same people whose names I can't remember now I couldn't remember fifty years ago. . .”

People Years Mean I Can Funny Remember Names Humorous Years Ago Fifty Forgetful

Author:George Burns

About the Author

Born: January 20, 1896
Died: March 9, 1996
Known for: Comedian
Quotes: 144

Books & Sources

Gracie/Caeser Spec EdRelated source material

The Most of George BurnsRelated source material

Wisdom of the 90sRelated source material

How to live to be 100--or more: the ultimate diet, sex, and exercise bookRelated source material

Dear GeorgeRelated source material

Dr. Burns' prescription for happinessRelated source material

Living It UpRelated source material

All my best friendsRelated source material

Dear George: advice & answers from America's leading expert on everything from A to BRelated source material

Gracie: A Love StoryRelated source material

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