“Most ducks have legs like orange spatulas. Those must be lazy swimmers. Mine have thighs like Michael Phelps in the summer of 2008.”
Source: Ducks are the stars of the karaoke bird world
“A pool table is a dining room table, if you wait fifteen minutes after eating to go swimming on it. That's what I tell my ducklings, whom I'm coaching to qualify for The Olympics.”
Source: BearPaw Duck And Meme Farm presents: Two Ducks Brawling Is A Pre-Pillow Fight
“When people think about farmers, they think about people who grow things. Well, I'm a duck farmer, and what I grow is impatient waiting for some committee to recognize duck farming as an Olympic sport.”
Source: Music is fluid, and my saxophone overflows when my ducks slosh in the sounds I make in elevators.
“When you first see a Pekin duck waddling across the grass, wobbly and lopsided, you might think it's the most unathletic animal in the world. But if you then watch it swim, you'd realize if there were a Bird Olympics, it wouldn't take gold, but it isn't Eric Moussambani, either.”
Source: Music is fluid, and my saxophone overflows when my ducks slosh in the sounds I make in elevators.
“When swimming 50 yards, I mowed one of them, and that’s why I never finished the race. If I'd have kept going, I probably could have made The Olympics, but now all I've got to show for my time in the water is 25 ducklings.”
Source: BearPaw Duck And Meme Farm presents: Two Ducks Brawling Is A Pre-Pillow Fight
“If creatively traveling up an escalator on your back were an Olympic sport, every gold medalist would be geriatric. There should be a soap fragrance for muddy ducks that captures that athletic dominance.”
Source: Music is fluid, and my saxophone overflows when my ducks slosh in the sounds I make in elevators.
“I like the circus, because they make a business out of being a clown show. But I hate The Chamber of Commerce, because they make a clown show out of business. In between those two extremes is my duck farm.”
Source: Music is fluid, and my saxophone overflows when my ducks slosh in the sounds I make in elevators.
“Of all the circus animals, from bears to lions to elephants to politicians, very few ride a unicycle. I'd love to see a Pekin duck spinning around for the crowd. Now THAT is something that would make me want to VOTE.”
Source: Ducks are the stars of the karaoke bird world
“Fishing Lessons are now ON SALE. I’ll meet you on the dock, just as soon as you finish building it. Nails are now half-priced. Oh, and Flying Lessons are now 50% OFF, but if you can teach my ducks how to AirSwim, I'll pay you 51%.”
Source: BearPaw Duck And Meme Farm presents: Two Ducks Brawling Is A Pre-Pillow Fight
“Before a forest fire enters a house, it never asks itself, “Is the front door locked? Should I first knock?” And because it’s so rude, that’s why I never invite it to my duck farm for barbecues.”
Source: Music is fluid, and my saxophone overflows when my ducks slosh in the sounds I make in elevators.
“There’s anger in danger, and danger in anger. Of all the letters to be, be OK. But don't be mediocre, because even ducks strive to be dominant.”
Source: Music is fluid, and my saxophone overflows when my ducks slosh in the sounds I make in elevators.
“I pour my morning coffee like ducks splash in a pond. Is an extended blink a micro nap? That's the thought that crosses my mind when I drive like Helen Keller.”
Source: One Out of Ten Dentists Agree: This Book Helps Fight Gingivitis. Maybe Tomorrow I’ll Ask Nine More Dentists.: A BearPaw Duck And Meme Farm Production
“Wooden scrabble letters offer a whole forest of literature, tiled down for easy shower installment. If you limit your use to only the letters q, u, a, c, and k, your ducks will love what you've done with your bathroom.”
Source: Music is fluid, and my saxophone overflows when my ducks slosh in the sounds I make in elevators.
“I'm a duck farmer. Am I the world's best duck farmer? Probably not, but there's no official ranking, and I'm a modest guy, so I claim the number two spot.”
Source: Powdered Saxophone Music
“My ducks give me eggs, and I took two of those eggs and nurtured them under a dome to produce two ducklings. In a way, I am their mother, and I think Hallmark should make a special card to honor me.”
Source: Powdered Saxophone Music
“Both a rose and a cactus have thorns, and while the rose may say, "I love you," the cactus says, "Fuck off." I think that's important to remember, and it's the ideal way to farm ducks.”
Source: Music is fluid, and my saxophone overflows when my ducks slosh in the sounds I make in elevators.
“I can see why people drink booze, because boos are a little too dry to satisfy thirst. It would be like chugging a cactus, and while that has enough water for a duck to swim in, it's the kind of thing that's best served to politicians.”
Source: Music is fluid, and my saxophone overflows when my ducks slosh in the sounds I make in elevators.
“We can’t meet at the restaurant Monday because they are closed Mondays. I wish Mondays were closed and the restaurant was open. Or we could meet somewhere in the middle, like ajar, which is OpenClosed. That reminds me: Duck Soup goes best in a jar.”
Source: BearPaw Duck And Meme Farm presents: Two Ducks Brawling Is A Pre-Pillow Fight
“Ducks are the fish of the bird world. I like to drink beer and catch a few. One line that always hooks them is this: “You can take a crash course in flying from The Amelia Earhart School of Aviation with no money down.”
Source: Ducks are the stars of the karaoke bird world
“I recently made my directorial debut in the category of duck documentary—in GIF format. I hope viewers don’t think my cinematic masterpiece goes on too long, because the extended version comes in at just over six seconds—which might be pushing the limits of modern attention spans.”
Source: Music is fluid, and my saxophone overflows when my ducks slosh in the sounds I make in elevators.
“I’m now selling Duck-Soup Popsicles in vintage meatloaf colors. The flavor of 1991 has never looked so good while camping. Just ask Bigfoot.”
Source: BearPaw Duck And Meme Farm presents: Two Ducks Brawling Is A Pre-Pillow Fight
“The felt on my pool table is blue, so it looks like a pool. I like to shoot billiards with my duck sitting on the table, because swimming is better with no possibility of drowning.”
Source: BearPaw Duck And Meme Farm presents: Two Ducks Brawling Is A Pre-Pillow Fight
“I once sold shoes. They were Buy One, Get One FREE. Then I met a customer with only one foot, and now I have an extra shoe. So, I filled it with duck eggs, because I ran out of room in the six pockets of my pool table.”
Source: Music is fluid, and my saxophone overflows when my ducks slosh in the sounds I make in elevators.
“My love is a dandelion in a tornado, and hers is a lit birthday candle in a hurricane. That's why my Duck Soup has that slight taste of WindFlower.”
Source: BearPaw Duck And Meme Farm presents: Two Ducks Brawling Is A Pre-Pillow Fight
“The dandelion gives all of its future to ride on the wind for one beautiful moment. I'll bet my flightless Pekin ducks would trade their life away to become one with the breeze.”
Source: Music is fluid, and my saxophone overflows when my ducks slosh in the sounds I make in elevators.
“My ducks are being snatched one by one in the dark of night by a stealthy predator, probably a bobcat. To show this thief he is not welcome, I have posted a No Trespassing sign. That ought to stop him.”
Source: BearPaw Duck And Meme Farm presents: Two Ducks Brawling Is A Pre-Pillow Fight
“I once saw a canyon shaped like a swimming bird. Was it a duck? Well, I quacked and it quacked back.”
Source: Music is fluid, and my saxophone overflows when my ducks slosh in the sounds I make in elevators.
“Every duck farm needs a chat bot automating messaging. You wouldn't believe the amount of queries I get. In fact, next time I get one it will be the first time.”
Source: Ducks are the stars of the karaoke bird world
“Coaching is the only thing where the more someone else practices, the better you get. That’s my kind of hard work.
People always ask me, "Jarod, how come you don't have a Guinness World Record for getting others to do what you aren't capable of doing?"
I tell them I don't worry about awards, because I'm a buy-my-own-trophies kind of guy.
Plus, I'm too busy being the greatest duck farmer in history.
Then I give them the customer service number to call at Guinness, because that's a good question that demands to be answered.”
Source: Duck Quotes For The Ages. Specifically ages 18-81.
“I'm the only duck farmer I know who also plays the saxophone. Of course, I don't play it well, which is why I only perform in elevators. Also, I'm the only duck farmer I know.”
Source: Ducks are the stars of the karaoke bird world
“She said she had two brothers, one in heaven and one in college. I said, "Aww, sorry to hear about the one. Such a tragedy to lose a brother to debt servitude. Tell him to drop out and become a duck farmer before he's too indoctrinated.”
Source: Music is fluid, and my saxophone overflows when my ducks slosh in the sounds I make in elevators.
“Tennis Elbow is easily curable, and here's how: Switch to playing ping-pong. Sure, the pain is still there, but now it's Ping-Pong Elbow, and that's so silly it might make you rethink your hobbies, which might turn you into a duck farmer.”
Source: Music is fluid, and my saxophone overflows when my ducks slosh in the sounds I make in elevators.
“I didn't ask to be The Duck King. I was elected by unanimous Quack.”
Source: Music is fluid, and my saxophone overflows when my ducks slosh in the sounds I make in elevators.
“I’m a duck farmer, and I’m trying to raise them to be productive members of society. It’s hard, because so many of them seem to want to join a gang.”
Source: BearPaw Duck And Meme Farm presents: Two Ducks Brawling Is A Pre-Pillow Fight
“I could grow to love you, but I’m not that kind of farmer. No, I’m the kind that grows things that actually benefit more than one person—I’m a duck farmer.”
Source: Music is fluid, and my saxophone overflows when my ducks slosh in the sounds I make in elevators.
“I make my Duck Soup Milkshakes by hand, the same way I make my handshakes. Just kidding—my hello, nice-to-meet-yous are all store-bought at Walmart and translated by Google. 你好，很高興認識你.”
Source: BearPaw Duck And Meme Farm presents: Two Ducks Brawling Is A Pre-Pillow Fight
“Ducks know more about ducks than any college professor knows about ducks. Let that be a lesson in student-loan debt.”
Source: I design saxophone music in blocks, like Stonehenge
“Sometimes the best pizza is sushi. That’s where I go to get my haircut. Discounts available for fish with fur. (Ducks are birds that swim, and are therefore not pizza.)”
Source: Music is fluid, and my saxophone overflows when my ducks slosh in the sounds I make in elevators.
“I would give you my grandma’s slow-knitted Duck Soup dance-routine recipe, but my grandpa sold it to Roger Bannister for three minutes and 59 seconds. I think he could have gotten 3:58 for it, if he’d have just gone the extra mile.”
Source: BearPaw Duck And Meme Farm presents: Two Ducks Brawling Is A Pre-Pillow Fight
“I just pooped out a duck pond. The guy in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom was probably thinking, "What's with all the quacking?”
Source: Duck Quotes For The Ages. Specifically ages 18-81.
“Ducks make the best soup. Campbell’s used to, but Joseph A. Campbell died on March 27th, 1900, and the FoodDrink that comes in their cans now tastes like a cemetery.”
Source: Duck Quotes For The Ages. Specifically ages 18-81.
“When we were kids, getting your mouth washed out with soap was punishment. But today, I’m selling duck-soup-flavored soap that your own kids will beg to have for dinner, which you’ll eat under a waterfall for maximum bubbles.”
Source: Music is fluid, and my saxophone overflows when my ducks slosh in the sounds I make in elevators.
“I get naming your sports team gators, but ducks? Ducks are toothless, and they fight like pillows—all feathers and no punch—so what’s the point of them as your mascot, trying to make your opponent go to sleep on you?”
Source: BearPaw Duck And Meme Farm presents: Two Ducks Brawling Is A Pre-Pillow Fight
“I love boobies. What’s your favorite bird, pervert? Mine is the duck, because although I love boobies, everyone always stares at them as though they’ve never seen them before.”
Source: Ducks are the stars of the karaoke bird world
“Penguins are Antarctica's Pekin duck, and Admiral Byrd just sent me a telegram telling me he wants me to come down there and teach him how to ice fish. The trick is not gluing the bananas to your wetsuit, and keeping the volume of The Golden Girls set at 33.”
Source: Music is fluid, and my saxophone overflows when my ducks slosh in the sounds I make in elevators.
“When Johnny Depp said he found poop all over his bed, I got embarrassed, thinking my ducks had broken into his house and used his sheets like a garden. But boy was I relieved when he placed the blame on Amber Heard, where it properly belongs.”
Source: Ducks are the stars of the karaoke bird world
“Don’t you just hate it when you step in dog poop? Especially if you’re walking with a friend, and as you smell it and the stench keeps pace with you, you begin to wonder if your friend shit his pants. Thankfully, what comes out of a duck’s anus looks more like coffee, and fills your nostrils like yesterday’s news.”
Source: One Out of Ten Dentists Agree: This Book Helps Fight Gingivitis. Maybe Tomorrow I’ll Ask Nine More Dentists.: A BearPaw Duck And Meme Farm Production
“Starbucks coffee tastes like watery duck poop. I mean it probably does, because it’s not like I’ve ever drank something so gross. But I have tried duck poop.”
Source: One Out of Ten Dentists Agree: This Book Helps Fight Gingivitis. Maybe Tomorrow I’ll Ask Nine More Dentists.: A BearPaw Duck And Meme Farm Production
“I've never had a spicy chicken sandwich worth getting stabbed over. But that's the kind of organic marketing experience I'd like to bring to duck farming.”
Source: One Out of Ten Dentists Agree: This Book Helps Fight Gingivitis. Maybe Tomorrow I’ll Ask Nine More Dentists.: A BearPaw Duck And Meme Farm Production
“Poe is to poetry what I am to duck farming. You can quote me on that. And if that’s not good enough, you can go quote a raven.”
Source: Ducks are the stars of the karaoke bird world