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Bed Quotes

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Bed Quotes

“My experience is that people are most likely to listen to reason when in bed.”

People Reason Humor Funny Bed

Book:Beds

Source: Beds

“Early to bed and early to rise makes a person dull, boring, and despised.”

“I like those blow-up beds. "This becomes a full size bed in three minutes!" Well, a mattress kicks your ass. Zero seconds. "Yeah, but you can store this thing." You can store a bed, too - in the bedroom.”

Wells Humor Funny Three Minutes Bed Yeah Size Blow Stores Ass Kicks Zero Seconds Bedroom Mattresses

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“I've never stayed at a bed and breakfast. If I did, I figure you would start to get hungry! "Is that all you got around here? Well, maybe you can direct me to a chair lunch dinner."”

Ifs Wells Humor Funny Figures Bed Direct Dinner Hungry Chairs Breakfast Lunch Bed And Breakfasts

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“I will probably have sex with Eminem after the show is over. Probably, I dont see why I wouldnt. Im fair game, its not like Im that picky, youve seen the guys Ive dated. I like Swizz Beatz, just because I would like to yell out in bed, Swizz Beatz! Keep it coming!”

Shows Humor Funny Guy Games Sex Bed Fairs Picky Fair Game

Author:Chelsea Handler

“Everything you do, burns calories. Getting up in the morning, 100 calories; kicking the hooker out of your bed, another 100; diapering your monkey, 35 calories; laughing at a midget, fun and 10 calories; catching your girlfriend with another guy, 2000-3000 calories, depending on backswings.”

Humor Funny Guy Fun Morning Laughing Bed Girlfriend Monkeys Catching Other Guys Kicking Calories Your Girlfriend Midget

Author:Dave Attell

“I gave my wife a kiss this morning. She jumped out of bed and did a lap of honour.”

Humor Funny Morning Wife Bed Kissing My Wife Honour Lap

Author:Frank Carson

“I always wondered about that woman who had that face transplant. If you went to bed with her, would that technically count as a threesome?”

Ifs Humor Funny Faces Bed Transplants Threesome

Author:Frankie Boyle

“So I knocked on the door at this bed & Breakfast and a lady stuck her head out of the window and said: 'What do you want', I said, 'I want to stay here'. She said, 'Well stay there' and shut the window.”

Want Wells Said Humor Funny Doors Bed Window Stuck Breakfast

Author:Tommy Cooper

“As soon as you lay down, that's when the most bizarre things start coming out of her mouth. 'Goodnight, baby.' 'Do you think we were together in a past life?' 'Yeah, and I died of sleep deprivation. Go to bed.' 'Don't you feel like we're soul...'”

Thinking Feels Soul Humor Funny Together Past Sleep Baby Bed Mouths Died Yeah Lays Coming Out Bizarre Deprivation Past Life Sleep Deprivation

Author:Adam Ferrara

“I woke up my pop in the middle of the night 'cause the boogie man's under my bed. My pop is this big, huge man, nothing can hurt him. I went running into his bedroom like, 'Daddy, Daddy, the boogie man's under the bed!' Pop opens one eye, he's like, 'Is the boogie man bigger than me?' 'Well, no Daddy, he's not.' 'Well, you got your choice: you can deal with the boogie man or you can deal with me.'”

Men Wells Humor Bigs Eye Running Funny Night Choices Causes Hurt Deals Middle Huge Bed Bigger Pops Bedroom Daddy Middle Of The Night Boogie

Author:Adam Ferrara

“I rang the bell of this small bed-and breakfast place, whereupon a lady appeared at an outside window. "What do you want?", she asked. "I want to stay here", I replied. "Well, stay there then", she said and closed the window.”

Want Wells Said Humor Funny Bed Window Breakfast Bells Bed And Breakfasts

Author:Chic Murray

“My mother was so house proud that when my father got up to sleepwalk she had the bed made by the time he got back.”

Made Humor Funny Mother Father House Proud Bed

Author:Chic Murray

“When our bed is made, it's covered in 40 pillows-like we're stockpiling ammo for the global pillow fight.”

Made Funny Fighting Comedy Bed Made It Covered Pillow Ammo Pillow Fights

Author:Jim Gaffigan

“If you go to Bed Bath & Beyond without a coupon, people will wonder if you're OK.”

People Ifs Funny Wonder Comedy Bed Baths

Author:John Pinette

“I broke my arm trying to fold a bed. It wasn't the kind that folds.”

Trying Kind Humor Funny Arms Bed Broke Folds

Author:Steven Wright

“They're talking about banning cigarette smoking now in any place that's used by ten or more people in a week, which, I guess, means that Madonna can't even smoke in bed.”

People Mean Funny Used Talking Week Bed Ten Smoke Smoking Marijuana Cigarette

Author:Bill Maher

“A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.”

Inspiration Running Funny Romance Bed Medicine Witty Medical Hospitals Hospitality Taxi Meter Medical Doctor Medical Education Best Funny Medics

Author:Groucho Marx

“I caught my wife in bed with another man and I was crushed. So I said, "Get off of me, you two!"”

Men Said Two Humor Funny Comedy Wife Bed My Wife Crushed Another Man

Author:Emo Philips

“I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.”

Humor Funny Hate Women Months Bed Six Jokes I Hate Luck Comedian Memorable Dishes Six Months Hilarious Housework Chores Household Chores Starting All Over Again Spring Cleaning Dirty Dishes

Author:Joan Rivers

“I once had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: no good in a bed, but fine up against a wall.”

Humor Funny Flower Wall Fine Bed Rose Description Twilight Courtesy Flattered Catalogues Rose Garden Bed Of Roses

Author:Eleanor Roosevelt

“Homework is not an option. My bed is sending out serious nap rays. I can't help myself. The fluffy pillows and warm comforter are more powerful than I am. I have no choice but to snuggle under the covers.”

I Can Helping Funny Choices Powerful Serious Bed Warm Rays Pillow Homework Naps Fluffy Comforter

Book:Speak

Source: Speak

“Sometimes you lie in bed at night, and you don't have a single thing to worry about...That always worries me!”

Thinking Sometimes Funny Lying Night Worry Bed Comic Single Peanuts Cartoonist

Author:Charles M. Schulz

“Why would you clone people when you can go to bed with them and make a baby? C'mon, it's stupid.”

People Funny Science Stupid Baby Bed

Author:Ray Bradbury

“Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.”

Life Inspirational Funny Work Money Business Bed Humorous Making Money Inaction Get Money Funny Money Funny Business Makin Money

Author:George Burns