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Humorous Quotes

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Humorous Quotes

“Hell is a half-filled auditorium.”

Inspirational Half Music Hell Humorous Filled Drinking Witty Accomplishment Auditoriums

Author:Robert Frost

“Excellence is THE trend of the '80s. Walk into any shopping mall bookstore, go to the rack where they keep the best-sellers such as Garfield Gets Spayed, and you'll see a half-dozen books telling you how to be excellent: In Search of Excellence, Finding Excellence, Grasping Hold of Excellence, Where to Hide Your Excellence at Night So the Cleaning Personnel Don't Steal It, etc.”

Book Night Walks Half Findings Humorous Excellence Stealing Excellent Etc Trends Shopping Dozen Cleaning 80s Bookstores Malls Grasping Sellers Racks Personnel Best Sellers Garfield

Author:Dave Barry

“It's remarkable - most remarkable, the way these people manage, from time to time, a tragedy or a near-tragedy to break the even tenor of their ways,' said Mr. Tingley, in a tone of half-humorous superiority, by which he considered that he distinguished himself, subtly and inoffensively, from 'these people.”

People Way Said Half Break Humorous Tragedy Manage Tone Remarkable Superiority Distinguished Self-importance Tenors

Book:The Dark Dawn

Source: The Dark Dawn

“I don't quite recollect how many tumblers of whiskey toddy each man drank after supper; but this I know, that about one o'clock in the morning, the baillie's grown-up son became insensible while attempting the first verse of 'Willie brewed a peck o' maut'; and he having been, for half an hour before, the only other man visible above the mahogany, it occurred to my uncle that it was almost time to think about going.”

Source: The Pickwick Papers: The Posthumous Papers of the Pickwick Club

“... Waiter! raw beef-steak for the gentleman's eye,-nothing like raw beef-steak for a bruise, sir; cold lamp-post very good, but lamp-post inconvenient-damned odd standing in the open street half-an-hour, with your eye against a lamp.”

Eye Funny Hours Half Streets Cold Humorous Standing Very Good Posts Odd Gentleman Lamps Beef Steak Inconvenient Bruises Waiter

Book:The Posthumous Papers of the Pickwick Club, Volume 1 (of 2) (Illustrations)

Source: The Posthumous Papers of the Pickwick Club, Volume 1 (of 2) (Illustrations)

“When you're in love it's the most glorious two and a half days of your life.”

Love Two Funny Half Humorous Witty Glorious Best Love Funny Love Half Days

Author:Richard Lewis

“Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book, and does.”

Writing Mind Doe Book Funny Half Comedy New York Humorous Witty

Author:Groucho Marx

“Whatever women do, they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.”

“Get well cards have become so humorous that if you don't get sick you're missing half the fun.”

Ifs Wells Humor Fun Half Missing Humorous Sick Cards Sense Of Humor Get Well Get Well Soon Well Soon

Author:Flip Wilson

“I noticed that all the prayers I used to offer to God, and all the prayers I now offer to Joe Pesci, are being answered at about the same 50% rate. Half the time I get what I want, half the time I don't... Same as the four-leaf clover and the horseshoe...same as the Voodoo Lady who tells you your fortune by squeezing the goat's testicles, it's all the same: 50-50. So just pick your superstition, sit back, make a wish, and enjoy yourself.”

“When I heated my home with oil, I used an average of 800 gallons a year. I have found that I can keep comfortably warm for an entire winter with slightly over half that quantity of beer.”

Years I Can Home Humor Used Found Fun Half Humorous Winter Average Warm Oil Beer Quantity Beer Drinking Drinking Beer Gallons Brewing Funny Beer Brewing Beer Brewers Light Beer

Author:Dave Barry

“Many a man wishes he were strong enough to tear a telephone book in half - especially if he has a teenage daughter.”

“One of the first things they teach you in Driver's Ed is where to put your hands on the steering wheel. They tell you put 'em at ten o'clock and two o' clock. Never mind that . I put mine at 9:45 and 2:17. Gives me an extra half hour to get where I'm goin'.”

Giving Mind Firsts Two Hands Hours Half Teach Mines Ten Humorous Give Me Clock Extras Wheels Ems Drivers Half Hours Steering

Book:Napalm & Silly Putty

Source: Napalm & Silly Putty

“Each American embassy comes with two permanent features - a giant anti-American demonstration and a giant line for American visas. Most demonstrators spend half their time burning Old Glory and the other half waiting for green cards.”

Two Funny America Waiting Lines Half Glory Humorous Green Cards Burning Permanent Features Giants Demonstration Other Half Visa Embassy Anti-american Green Card Old Glory

Book:Holidays in Hell

Source: Holidays in Hell