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Humorous Quotes

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Humorous Quotes

“I don't want to have a bad influence on anybody, but there's no point in my giving up cigarettes now. I won't die young.”

Want Giving Funny Young Dies Influence Giving Up Humorous Smoking Cigarette No Point Cigar Die Young

Book:As good as Golda: the warmth and wisdom of Israel's Prime Minister

Source: As good as Golda: the warmth and wisdom of Israel's Prime Minister

“What's in that pipe that he's smoking?”

Humorous Smoking Santa Pipe Santa Claus Pacifist Long Hair Funny Christmas Funny Christmas Card

Author:Arlo Guthrie

“How much does it cost to entice a dope-smoking UNIX system guru to Dayton?”

Doe Cost Humorous Smoking Guru Dope Unix

Author:Brian Boyle

“Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life.”

“There are some circles in America where it seems to be more socially acceptable to carry a hand-gun than a packet of cigarettes.”

Hands Seems Funny America Humorous Gun Circles Smoking Acceptable Cigarette Cigar Smoking Cigarettes Smoking Cigars Smoking A Pipe Tobacco Smoking Funny Smoking Pipe Smoking

Author:Katharine Whitehorn

“Isn’t making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?”

Humor Funny Humorous Witty Restaurants Smoking Sarcastic Swimming Pool Sections Swimming Pool

Author:George Carlin

“Do you mind if I don't smoke?”

Ifs Mind Funny Humorous Witty Smoke Smoking

Author:Groucho Marx

“Smoking is indispensable if one has nothing to kiss.”

Ifs Funny Kissing Humorous Smoking Indispensable Cigar Smoking Cigars

Author:Sigmund Freud

“A good cigar is as great a comfort to a man as a good cry to a woman.”

Men Funny Cry Comfort Humorous Smoking Cigar Smokers Smoking Cigars

Author:Edward Bulwer-Lytton, 1st Baron Lytton

“But when I don't smoke I scarcely feel as if I'm living. I don't feel as if I'm living unless I'm killing myself.”

Ifs Feels Funny Humorous Killing Smoke Smoking Cigarette Tobacco Cigar Smoking Cigarettes Smoking Cigars Cosy Smoking A Pipe Tobacco Smoking Pipe Smoking Cigarette Smoke Killing Myself

Book:The Turtle Diary

Source: The Turtle Diary

“Cigarette sales would drop to zero overnight if the warning said "CIGARETTES CONTAIN FAT.”

Ifs Said Funny Humorous Fats Smoke Smoking Zero Warning Cigarette Cigar Smoking Cigarettes Smoking Cigars Cigarette Smoke

Author:Dave Barry

“Cigarette companies market heavily to young people. They need young customers because their product kills the older ones. It is the only product that, if used as intended, kills the consumer.”

People Ifs Needs Funny Young Used Company Products Humorous Customers Consumers Smoking Cigarette Cigar

Author:George Carlin

“Eating and sleeping are the only activities that should be allowed to interrupt a man's enjoyment of his cigar.”

Men Should Funny Sleep Activity Eating Humorous Enjoyment Smoking Cigar Smoking Cigars Interrupting Smoking A Pipe Tobacco Smoking Cuban Cigars

Author:Mark Twain

“I promised myself that if ever I had some money that I would savor a cigar each day after lunch and dinner. This is the only resolution of my youth that I have kept, and the only realized ambition which has not brought disillusion.”

Ifs Funny Youth Ambition Humorous Dinner Each Day Smoking Resolution Lunch Cigar Disillusion Smoking Cigars

Author:W. Somerset Maugham

“If I paid ten dollars for a cigar, first I'd make love to it, then I'd smoke it.”

Ifs Firsts Funny Ten Humorous Paid Dollars Smoke Smoking Making Love Cigar Smokers Smoking Cigars Tobacco Smoking

Author:George Burns

“If I cannot smoke in heaven, then I shall not go.”

Ifs Funny Heaven Humorous Smoke Smoking Cigar Smoking Cigars Funny Smoking

Author:Mark Twain

“After a truly good meal, an outstanding cigar is still the most satisfying after-dinner activity that doesn't involve two human beings.”

Humans Stills Two Funny Human Beings Activity Humorous Dinner Good Meals Smoking Satisfying Outstanding Cigar Smoking Cigars Good Meals Cuban Cigars

Author:Brad Shaw

“A cigar has "...a fire at one end and a fool at the other."”

“It would be a service to mankind if the pill were available in slot machines and the cigarette were placed on prescription.”

Ifs Would Be Funny Mankind Humorous Machines Available Smoking Cigarette Pills Prescriptions Cigar Birth Control Slot Machines Service To Mankind

Author:Malcolm Potts

“I am sure there are many things better than a good cigar, but right now, I can't think of what they might be.”

Thinking I Can Might Funny Right Now Humorous Good Smoking Cigar Smoking Cigars Cuban Cigars

Author:Richard Carleton

“Remember, if you smoke after sex you're doing it too fast.”

“The captain has just turned on the fasten-seat-belt-sign. He didn't mean to, but the joint he was smoking fell in his lap, and when he jumped up, his head hit the switch.”

Mean Humor Funny Food Humorous Seats Smoking Captains Belts Lap Joints Airline Air Travel Seat Belts

Author:George Carlin

“Like most people who smoked umpteen cigarettes a day, I tasted only the first one. The succeeding umpteen minus one were a compulsive ritual which had no greater savour than the fumes of burning money.”

People Firsts Funny Greater Succeed Humorous Burning Smoking Ritual Cigarette Cigar Minus Savour

Book:The Complete Unreliable Memoirs

Source: The Complete Unreliable Memoirs