Quotessence
Home / Topics / Joke Quotes

Joke Quotes

Browse 560 quotes about Joke.

Joke Quotes

“What the hell are you three doing?" I clutch my chest and try to calm my heart. I had asked for privacy. "We felt your power flare." Oh, they felt me lust for Mother Faerie. Just great. Now I'll never hear the end of it. I couldn’t help myself, though, she’s so powerful. "Tell me, how would Draven feel about you hooking up with his mommy?”

LustPrivacyJokeHaremMommyHooking Up
Book:Tainted Power - The Complete Series
Create image

“Did you just feed off their sexual tension?" Micah asks with a laugh. "Keep it in your pants, Shera." "Oh, come on. You're telling me you can't feel it? It's impossible not to feed off of that." Anakin's mouth twitches. "Impossible?" Narrowing my gaze, I say, "Fine, not impossible, but if they're not going to act on it, I should at least get a little snack out of it.”

JokeLolBanterSuccubusSexual EnergySnack
Book:Tainted Power - The Complete Series
Create image

“Even as she finished, Athrogate erupted in side-splitting laughter, and Amber began to giggle so ridiculously that she could hardly finish her song of two couples, a dwarf and his firbolg bride, and his sister and her firbolg husband, brother of her sister-in-law. "So the dwarf's got a sister who's smilin' so wide," she chanted, catching her wits when she saw that the other six were now looking her way. "And his own wife's not knowin' when her husband's inside.”

HumorFantasyJokeDwarves
Book:Vengeance of the Iron Dwarf
Create image

“John woke up after the annual office Christmas party with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening. After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him. "Louise," he moaned, "tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?" "Even worse," she said, her voice oozing scorn. "You made a complete ass of yourself. You succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors and you insulted the president of the company, right to his face." "He's an “asshole," John said. "Piss on him." "You did," came the reply. "And he fired you." "Well, screw him!" said John. "I did. You're back at work on Monday”

FunnyJokeDirty Jokes
Author:various
Create image

“Well, Metcalf, suppose you try keeping that stupid mouth of yours shut, and maybe that’s the way you’ll learn how. Now, where were we? Read me back the last line.’ “‘Read me back the last line,’” read back the corporal who could take shorthand. “Not my last line, stupid!” the colonel shouted. “Somebody else’s.” “‘Read me back the last line,’” read back the corporal. “That’s my last line again!” shrieked the colonel, turning purple with anger. “Oh, no, sir,” corrected the corporal. “That’s my last line. I read it to you just a moment ago. Don’t you remember, sir? It was only a moment ago.”

HumorFunnyJokeHumorous Quotes
Book:Catch-22
Create image

“But what are we going to do?" Colonel Cathcart exclaimed with distress. "The others are all waiting outside." "Why don't we give him a medal?" Colonel Korn proposed. "For going around twice? What can we give him a medal for?" "For goung around twice," Colonel Korn answered with a reflective, self-satisfied smile. "After all, I suppose it did take a lot of courage to go over the target a second time with no other planes around to divert the antiaircraft fire. And he did hit the bridge. You know, that might be the answer—to act boastfully about something we ought to be ashamed of. That's a trick that never seems to fail.”

WarHumorFunnyJokesHumorousJokeDark HumorDark ComedyGallows Humor
Book:Catch-22
Create image

“Jesus is baffled by Tinder. He wants to love his matches, but is strictly celibate. The Holy Ghost does all of Jesus’ fucking for him. Apparently, Jesus calls his penis Lazarus because he has to raise it from the dead. It takes a miracle to get it up. Only torture porn gets him hard.”

HumorJesusSexChristComedyJokeHoly GhostTinderLazarus
Book:The Devil and Jesus Debate Tinder Strategies: How to Optimize Your Tinder Success
Create image

“Chris Tucker gives Jackie Chan his LAPD ID and tells him to pretend to be LAPD if anything goes sideways in the Foo Chow restaurant. Jackie Chan looks at the ID with Chris Tucker’s picture on it and says, “This won’t work—I’m not 6′1″!” And that’s just a gorgeously structured classic joke.”

HumorJokeRush HourMovie CriticsJackie ChanChris Tucker
Book:Shit, Actually: The Definitive, 100% Objective Guide to Modern Cinema
Create image