Quotessence
Home / Topics / Joke Quotes

Joke Quotes

Browse 560 quotes about Joke.

Joke Quotes

“I pulled the sheet off their faces. Their faces were black with coal dust and didn't look like anything was wrong with them except they were dirty. The both of them had smiles on their faces. I thought maybe one of them had told a joke just before they died and, pain and all, they both laughed and ended up with a smile. Probably not true but but it made me feel good to think about it like that, and when the Sister came in I asked her if I could clean their faces and she said, "no, certainly not!" but I said, "ah, c'mon, it's me brother n' father, I want to," and she looked at me and looked at me, and at last she said, "of course, of course, I'll get some soap and water." When the nun came back she helped me. Not doing it, but more like showing me how, and taking to me, saying things like "this is a very handsome man" and "you must have been proud of your brother" when I told her how Charlie Dave would fight for me, and "you're lucky you have another brother"; of course I was, but he was younger and might change, but she talked to me and made it all seem normal, the two of us standing over a dead face and cleaning the grit away. The only other thing I remember a nun ever saying to me was, "Mairead, you get to your seat, this minute!”

SoulDeathReligionFatherLostFearBlackFriendshipLossGriefSadnessBrotherDepressionLonelySmileDisasterMourningCanadaJokeTeenageCoalGritFaceNunHospitalRockAccidentMineNova ScotiaCape BretonWashDustyCoal Mine
Book:The Glace Bay Miners' Museum: The novel
Create image

“Most people do not mind having a house that is smaller and/or a car that is cheaper than their neighbours’, as long as they each earn and have more money than their neighbours, and, equally important, their neighbours know that.”

HomeHumorFunnyQuotesSpiritualityHouseMoneyClassRichCarHumourJokesHumorousCompetitionNeighborExpensiveNeighborhoodSatireMaterialismAphorismConsumerismQuotationsWagesJokeHilariousSalaryNeighbourAutomobileAphorismsMansionsResidentsCarsSocial ClassAbodeResidenceInexpensiveAphoristAphoristsNeighborsHousesShow OffCheapHomesEarnCompeteClassesNeighboursSocial ClassesAutomobilesRicherEarningsMansionNeighbourhoodSalariesMoniedResidentAbodes
Author:Mokokoma Mokhonoana
Create image

“In the middle of her act, a young man shouted for her to expose her breasts. (Um, he didn’t say it exactly that way.) Now, Schumer had some choices. She could have simply had security throw the man right out. She could have yelled at him and given the audience a lecture on sexism. Instead, she got super friendly. Interrupting her routine, she shaded her eyes while the spotlight found the heckler. Looking as if she wanted to get to know him, Schumer asked the man what he did for a living. Sales, he said. “Sales?” Schumer repeated. “How’s that working out for you? ’Cause we’re not buying it.” Not the greatest joke in the world, but its spontaneity got her a laugh. More important, Schumer gained control of the occasion, seizing the power back from the heckler. Her goal was to entertain the audience, not to express any pain. When the idiot continued to harass her, Schumer still didn’t have him ejected. First she asked the audience to vote. This got a big cheer. As security escorted the man out, Schumer said, “I already miss him!”

PowerControlCheerLaughJokeHarassHeckler
Book:Thank You for Arguing: What Aristotle, Lincoln, and Homer Simpson Can Teach Us About the Art of Persuasion
Create image

“The year that Rutherford died (1938) there disappeared forever the happy days of free scientific work which gave us such delight in our youth. Science has lost her freedom. Science has become a productive force. She has become rich but she has become enslaved and part of her is veiled in secrecy. I do not know whether Rutherford would continue to joke and laugh as he used to.”

ScienceDeathWorkFreedomRichYouthDelightLaughJokeSecrecyScientificEnslavedErnest RutherfordRutherford
Author:Pyotr Kapitsa
Create image

“The Wolf. The single most productive engineer you’ll meet. You’ve heard of the 10x engineer, but I am here to tell you about the Wolf. They are engineers, and they consistently exhibit the following characteristics: They appear to exist outside of the well-defined process that we’ve defined to get things done, but they appear to suffer no consequences for not following these rules. Everyone knows they’re the Wolf, but no one ever calls them the Wolf. They have a manager, but no one really knows who it is. They have a lot of meetings, but none of them are scheduled. Inviting them to your meeting is a crap shoot. They understand how “the system” works, they understand how to use “the system” to their advantage, and they understand why “the system” exists, but they think “the system” is a bit of a joke. You can ask a Wolf to become a manager, but they’ll resist it. If you happen to convince them to do it, they will do a fine job, but they won’t stay in that role long. In fact, they’ll likely quit managing when you least expect it. Lastly, and most importantly, the Wolf generates disproportionate value for the company with their unparalleled ability to identify and rapidly work on projects essential to the future of the company.”

ProcessValueJokeSystemWolfRuleMeetingEngineerInvite
Book:Managing Humans: Biting and Humorous Tales of a Software Engineering Manager
Create image

“Most women sell sex; most of them just don’t take cash (nor do they each sell to more than one ‘client’ at a time).”

HumorFunnyQuotesSexRelationshipsMoneyMarriageWifeRelationshipHumourHusbandJokesHumorousDatingTradeCreditDebtCustomersSellingGirlfriendSatireMaterialismCashAphorismCommerceClientsConsumerismMaking LoveQuotationsJokeTradingHilariousProstitutionBoyfriendAphorismsCredit CardReproductionSellersDateProcreationLovemakingAphoristAphoristsMarriagesWivesCustomerHusbandsSellGirlfriendsBoyfriendsSexual IntercourseProstituteProstitutesWhoreHustlerClientWorking GirlWhoresEscortReproduceClienteleSellerHookerProcreateCopulationHustlersEscortsHookersLadies Of The EveningLady Of The EveningSex ActWorking Girls
Author:Mokokoma Mokhonoana
Create image

“There would definitely be way fewer instances of cheating, if the average couple did not have sex only when the woman feels like it.”

ChildrenHumorKidsFunnyQuotesSexParentWomenRelationshipsFamilyMarriageWifeRelationshipHumourCoupleHusbandJokesHumorousDatingExcitedMoodParentsWomanFaithfulExcitementGirlfriendSatireCheatingParenthoodChildAphorismLoyalBedroomCheatQuotationsJokeHilariousCouplesAdulteryBoyfriendAphorismsOffspringReproductionFamiliesHornyUnfaithfulDateProcreationAphoristLingerieAphoristsKidCheaterDisloyaltyMarriagesWivesHusbandsDisloyalGirlfriendsCheatersBoyfriendsLibidoForeplaySexual IntercourseSex DriveHorninessReproduceExtramaritalProcreateSexual ExcitementExtramarital SexIn The Mood
Author:Mokokoma Mokhonoana
Create image

“Because he has finally realized that it is it and not him that is loved by the woman he loves, many a man is jealous of his own car, house, wardrobe, or salary.”

LoveHumorFunnyQuotesHouseWomenRelationshipsMoneyWifeRelationshipCarHumourHusbandClothesJokesHumorousDatingDivorceEnvyPartnersWomanJealousyGirlfriendSatireMaterialismUnconditional LoveJealousAphorismConsumerismQuotationsWagesJokeSpouseHilariousSalaryAutomobileBoyfriendWardrobeAphorismsEnviousPartnerLovedCarsDateClothingAphoristAphoristsSpousesWivesHousesAttireHusbandsGirlfriendsBoyfriendsAutomobilesDivorcesGold DiggerGold DiggersSalariesWardrobes
Author:Mokokoma Mokhonoana
Create image

“Many a woman is in a relationship with or married to her man not because she loves him but only because she likes men like him.”

MenLoveHumorFunnyWomenRelationshipsMarriageRelationshipHumourLoversHusbandJokesDatingPartnersManWomanSatireMaterialismWeddingAphorismConsumerismLoverJokeSpouseProposalVowProposeBoyfriendAphorismsLikePartnerDateAphoristAphoristsSpousesMarriagesMarryHusbandsMarriage ProposalWeddingsBoyfriendsVowsMarriage VowsHubbyMarriage ProposalsHubbies
Author:Mokokoma Mokhonoana
Create image

“Many a woman would not be in a relationship with or married to her man, if he earned half of what he earns; and many a man would not be in a relationship with or married to his woman, if he earned twice as much as he earns.”

MenLoveHumorFunnyJobsWomenRelationshipsWorkMoneyPayHalfMarriageRelationshipHumourMarriedJokesDatingPaidIncomeEmploymentManWomanEmployeeSatireMaterialismUnconditional LoveJobWeddingAphorismConsumerismEarningUnemploymentWagesJokeRevenueEmployersSalaryVowPaymentSingleAphorismsEmployeesDateUnmarriedAphoristAphoristsEmployerMarriagesMarryWedding VowWeddingsVowsWedding VowsDoubleConditional LoveWageEarningsTwiceSalariesRevenuesHalvesTwofold
Author:Mokokoma Mokhonoana
Create image

“Given these differences between the sexes, the sexual revolution was the biggest joke men ever played on women. By convincing them that the old rules didn’t apply and that two could play the predator game, men enticed women to do what men have always wanted women to do. But what a price was paid for the new “freedom.” And predictably, women were the ones who got stuck with the bill.”

MenTwoPlayWantedGivenWomenDifferencesFreedomRevolutionPaidStuckJokeConvincingRulesNewOldGamePredatorTheAlwaysPriceDoToWhatSexualHaveButWithThemBiggestEverByWereApplyGotBetweenCouldSexesBillDidn TPlayedEnticedOnesPredictably
Book:Life on the Edge: The Next Generation's Guide to a Meaningful Future
Create image

“Some men are so indoctrinated that they sincerely believe that other than cooking and cleaning the only thing that a woman can do better than them is being a woman.”

MenHumorFunnyWomenMarriageHumourJokesCookingCleanEqualityGenderDivorceInequalityManWomanPropagandaKitchenSatireSexismAphorismHouseholdPatriarchyJokeCleaningMisleadAphorismsGender EqualityApartheidCleanersIndoctrinationSexistAphoristAphoristsMarriagesGender InequalityChauvinismCookPatriarchBattle Of The SexesDivorcesPatriarchalSeparatismMisbeliefIndoctrinateMisbeliefsCleanerMale ChauvinismMatriarchIndoctrinatedKitchensSexistsMatriarchalHouseholds
Author:Mokokoma Mokhonoana
Create image

“But—let me tell you my cat joke. It's very short and simple. A hostess is giving a dinner party and she's got a lovely five-pound T-bone steak sitting on the sideboard in the kitchen waiting to be cooked while she chats with the guests in the living room—has a few drinks and whatnot. But then she excuses herself to go into the kitchen to cook the steak—and it's gone. And there's the family cat, in the corner, sedately washing it's face." "The cat got the steak," Barney said. "Did it? The guests are called in; they argue about it. The steak is gone, all five pounds of it; there sits the cat, looking well-fed and cheerful. "Weigh the cat," someone says. They've had a few drinks; it looks like a good idea. So they go into the bathroom and weigh the cat on the scales. It reads exactly five pounds. They all perceive this reading and a guest says, "okay, that's it. There's the steak." They're satisfied that they know what happened, now; they've got empirical proof. Then a qualm comes to one of them and he says, puzzled, "But where's the cat?”

CatJokeOntology
Book:The Three Stigmata of Palmer Eldritch
Create image