Quotessence
Home / Topics / Joke Quotes

Joke Quotes

Browse 560 quotes about Joke.

Joke Quotes

“An Irishman walks into a pub,” she begins and the bar went silent. “The bartender asks him, ‘What'll you have?’” Her Irish accent was spot on. “The man says, ‘Give me three pints of Guinness, please.’ The bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they're gone. He then orders three more. “The bartender says, ‘Sir, no need to order as many at a time. I’ll keep an eye on it and when you get low, I'll bring you a fresh one.’ The man replies, ‘You don't understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the States. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night we'd still drink together. So right now, me brothers have three Guinness stouts too, and we're drinking together.’ “The bartender thought this a wonderful tradition and every week the man came in and ordered three beers.” January’s playing and voice became more solemn, dramatic. “But one week, he ordered only two.” The crowd oohed and ahhed. “He slowly drank them,” she continued darkly, “and then ordered two more. The bartender looked at him sadly. ‘Sir, I know your tradition, and, agh, I'd just like to say that I'm sorry for your loss.’ “The man looked on him strangely before it finally dawned on him. ‘Oh, me brothers are fine - I just quit drinking.”

HumorousJoke
Book:Thomas & January
Create image

“At my urgent request the Curie laboratory, in which radium was discovered a short time ago, was shown to me. The Curies themselves were away travelling. It was a cross between a stable and a potato-cellar, and, if I had not seen the worktable with the chemical apparatus, I would have thought it a practical joke. (Wilhelm Ostwald on seeing the Curie's laboratory facilities.)”

ScienceDiscoveryChemistryJokeLaboratoryCurieRadiumMarie Curie
Author:Wilhelm, Ostwald
Create image

“You don’t see yourself at all, do you? It seems to me that you’re good at everything you try,” said Ethan sincerely. “I had a dream I could breathe underwater,” I said flippantly, “Maybe I’ll go swim with the mermaids.” Ethan turned to look at me with shock in his eyes. “Just kidding,” I said, alarmed at his reaction”

JokeMermaidMarinaEthanAlarmBetween The Land And SeaDerrolyn Anderson
Book:Between the Land and the Sea
Create image

“We are sometimes dragged into a pit of unhappiness by someone else’s opinion that we do not look happy.”

HumorFunnyPainHappinessFacesJoySufferingQuotesPleasureGriefOpinionSadnessHumourSorrowSadDespairDepressionJokesHumorousBlueMiserySatisfactionDelightHappyUnhappyHolesImpressionSatisfiedMiserableWell BeingBlissHeartacheEnjoymentContentmentSatireUnhappinessMelancholyEcstasyAphorismJoyfulAgonyDistressQuotationsJokeAnguishWoeTormentCheerfulHeartbrokenHilariousPitsDelightedJoyousMerrySunnyAphorismsGloomCheerfulnessOpinionsFaceSmilingRaptureRadiantGloomyDepressedEcstaticTribulationContentDesolationGleeHurtingBroken HeartedEuphoriaJoyfulnessGrinningJollySorrowfulDownWretchednessCarefreeExuberanceExhilarationForlornAphoristAphoristsElationMerrimentGaietyDespondencyHoleEuphoricMalaiseMoroseChagrinImpressionsDespondentDejectedBlissfulBlitheOverjoyedExultantLightheartedJubilationJovialPitDespairingDolefulContentedDejectionLightheartednessMournfulPleasedDownheartedElatedBeamingBuoyantDisconsolateDowncastThe BluesCheerlessGloominessGratifiedJovialityJumping For JoyOn Top Of The WorldUntroubledCheeryJoylessLow SpiritsRapturousWoefulAs Happy As A ClamBeatificBlissfulnessChirpyDispiritedExhilaratedGleefulGlumIn A Good MoodIn Good SpiritsIn Seventh HeavenJocularJocundJollityJubilantLong FacedMournfulnessOn A HighOn Cloud NineOver The MoonThrilledTickled PinkWalking On AirWoebegoneDolefulnessDown At The MouthDown In The DumpsDown In The MouthGlumnessGood SpiritsLugubriousTransports Of Delight
Author:Mokokoma Mokhonoana
Create image

“Nothing is as irritating to a shy man as a confident girl.”

MenTryingHumorFunnyTogetherQuotesGirlCan DoCouragePositiveHumourJokesHumorousSelf ConfidenceNervousManShySatireGirlsRetiringAnnoyingAphorismEmbarrassedQuotationsIntrovertJokeInsecureHilariousAssuredBoldnessEmbarrassmentSelf ConsciousReservedAphorismsCursedShynessSelf ConsciousnessTroublesomeIrritatingConfidentObnoxiousRepressedIrritationTimidityAssertivenessPoiseIntroversionIntrovertedTiresomeAssertiveSelf ConfidentAphoristAphoristsSelf ReliantSelf AssuranceLack Of ConfidenceInfuriatingMettleDiffidenceExtrovertAggravatingBashfulReticenceReserveBashfulnessNerveTimidWithdrawnAnnoySelf AssuredDiffidentBothersomeIrritatePhlegmaticReticentSheepishPhlegmSelf EffacingAplombAt EaseImperturbableMaddeningMousySelf PossessionExtrovertedInhibitedUnperturbedUnruffledCoolheadedCoynessFaroucheGallingIrksomeLevelheadedSelf PossessedTimorousUnconfidentVexingDemurenessExasperatingMousinessNettlesomePeskyPoisedReservednessSheepishnessTimidnessTimorousnessVexatious
Author:Mokokoma Mokhonoana
Create image

“We love being mentally strong, but we hate situations that allow us to put our mental strength to good use.”

WantProblemDreamHumorInspirationFunnyPainMotivationSufferingQuotesStrongDifficultChallengesPovertyTroubleStrengthInspireHumourJokesHumorousDeterminationPatienceAdversityEntrepreneurMiseryPerseveranceTrialsPersistenceSatireEnduranceResolveResolutionHardshipKeep GoingNeedProblemsDreamerAphorismNever Give UpPersistDistressQuotationsAfflictionJokeStoicismHilariousChallengePersevereTenacityAphorismsMotivateDifficultiesDeprivationTribulationStubbornnessStartupStaminaStartupsStoicSufferTrials And TribulationsGive UpFirmnessHardshipsWretchednessFollow ThroughDreamersStand FirmAusterityEntrepreneursMisfortuneMental StrengthObstinacyAphoristAphoristsSteadfastnessTrialHang In ThereHold OnStaying PowerContinueNeedinessPurposefulnessCarry OnVenture CapitalistsPress OnTribulationsHang OnGo OnMentally StrongStoicsDoggednessDestitutionStay The CourseVenture CapitalistIntransigenceBe DeterminedBe PersistentKeep OnPrivationDire StraitsPenuryKeep At ItPertinacityGo The DistanceImpecuniousnessIndefatigabilityResolutenessStrength Of PurposeTirelessnessBe TenaciousHammer AwayLeave No Stone UnturnedNot Take No For An AnswerObduracyPlod OnPlug AwayPress AheadSoldier OnStand FastStaunchnessStick It OutStop At NothingStruggle OnTravails
Author:Mokokoma Mokhonoana
Create image

“Every single person is a fool, insane, a failure, or a bad person to at least ten people.”

HumorFunnyQuotesCrazyStupidHumourFailureFoolJokesHumorousMadDisappointmentFoolishSillyAssInsaneDumbIdiotInsanitySatireLoserNutsThickAphorismQuotationsJokeBadHilariousNerdZombieRecklessFailDisturbedAphorismsBad PeopleJerkCrackedBananasDopeUnstableMoronMindlessPsychoPsychoticSapIdioticDonkeyUnwiseSchizophrenicMentally IllCrackersAphoristAphoristsDerangedDummyDementedDorkUnbalancedUnintelligentDaftFoolhardyTurkeyBrainlessThoughtlessAround The BendDimBad PersonGoatDumb AssDumboImbecileLocoBonkersBoobCuckooUnhingedCrazedIgnoramusWrite OffDunceLoonySimpletonAirheadBattyBlockheadBozoCertifiableDimwittedDoltGoonImprudentLoopyMad As A HatterNincompoopNon Compos MentisNot All ThereRashWackoWitlessBushedClodCretinGoofHalfwittedImpoliticMentally DisorderedOf Unsound MindSchmuckScrewyStark Raving MadBirdbrainBuggyChowderheadChowderheadedChumpCootCrack BrainedCrackpotDead LossDimwitDingbatDipstickDitzDudDullardDumb CluckDumbheadDumdumDunderheadFatheadFlakeGalootGooberGoofballGoofusHalf BakedHalfwitHarebrainedIll AdvisedIll ConsideredIncautiousInformal No HoperInjudiciousJugheadKlutzLamebrainLummoxMeatballNinnyNitwitNumbnutsNumbskullPea BrainedPeabrainPutzSchlemielSchlepThickheadTwerpTwitUnderachieverWooden Headed
Author:Mokokoma Mokhonoana
Create image

“Attending a funeral would leave the average person insane, if they truly believed that sooner or later they are also going to die.”

LifeBelieveHumorFunnyDeathQuotesCrazyHumourJokesHumorousInsaneDenialImmortalityInsanityLife And DeathSatireImmortalSincereMortalitySinceritySanityFuneralAphorismSaneDeadDieQuotationsJokeHilariousRipMournAphorismsHereafterLife After DeathRest In PeaceAphoristAphoristsMortalFuneralsDefense MechanismsDefense MechanismDenial Of DeathGone Too SoonAttendThe Hereafter
Author:Mokokoma Mokhonoana
Create image

“Many obese people spend a significant amount of their energy on suppressing the urge to tell some of the people who are staring at them that they do not eat as much and as frequently as they seem to.”

HumorFunnyQuotesEnergyFoodHumourJokesHumorousGreedImpressionStaringUrgesSatireAphorismQuotationsJokeGreedyGrossHilariousSkinnyRepressionJunkAphorismsObesityDietAnorexiaSuppressionOverweightGazingSlimGluttonyJunk FoodEatSlenderFatObeseAphoristAphoristsStoutLargeGazeFattyLeanFatnessEnergiesStareSkin And BonesUrgeSuppressTakeawaysThinAnorexicGluttonTakeawayTakeoutChubbyFleshyCorpulentPlumpGauntPlus SizedPortlyBig BonedFlabbyHeavysetMeatyPaunchyPotbelliedPudgyRepressAngularBeefyBeer BelliedBlubberyChunkyEmaciatedGrossnessOf Ample ProportionsPorkyRawbonedRoly PolyRotundityScrawnySkeletalTakeoutsTubbyWell UpholsteredAs Thin As A RakeBonyChubbinessCorpulenceFlabbinessGanglingGanglyGawkyHollow CheekedLankyLooking Like A Bag Of BonesPinchedPlumpnessPortlinessRangyScraggySpindlySticklikeStoutnessUnderfedUndernourishedWaiflike
Author:Mokokoma Mokhonoana
Create image

“Finding out that you are not your lover’s only lover hurts, but not as much as discovering that you are the side chick … or the side dick.”

LoveHumorFunnyRelationshipsHurtMarriageRelationshipHumourHeartbreakJokesHumorousCommitmentDatingCommitGirlfriendSatireCheatingWeddingAphorismCheatInfidelityJokeHeartbrokenHilariousMistressAdulteryAphorismsHeartbreakingHurtingDateAphoristAphoristsCheaterMarriagesMarryWeddingsGirlfriendsCheatersHurtsCourtesansHeartbreakerConcubinesKept WomanCourtesanMistressesConcubineHeartbreakersSide ChickSide ChicksHetaeraHetaeraeHetaerasHetairaKept WomenSide DickSide Dicks
Author:Mokokoma Mokhonoana
Create image

“I’m relieved to see that even brilliant physicists make mistakes.” Kohler looked over. “What do you mean?” “Whoever wrote that note made a mistake. That column isn’t Ionic. Ionic columns are uniform in width. That one’s tapered. It’s Doric—the Greek counterpart. A common mistake.” Kohler did not smile. “The author meant it as a joke, Mr. Langdon. Ionic means containing ions—electrically charged particles. Most objects contain them.”

HumorMistakeObjectsJokesNotesArchitectureMistakesGreekElectricJokeParticlesRelievedContainingWidthNotePhysicistsDoricCommon MistakesCharged ParticlesCommon MistakeContainsIonic
Book:Angels & Demons
Create image

“A rabbi had a conversation with the Lord about Heaven and Hell. “I will show you Hell,” said the Lord, and he led the rabbi into a room containing a large round table. The people sitting around the table were famished and desperate. In the middle of the table was an enormous pot of stew that smelled so delicious that the rabbi’s mouth watered. Each person around the table held a spoon with a very long handle. Although the long spoons just reached the pot, their handles were longer than the would-be diners’ arms: thus, unable to bring food to their lips, no one could eat. The rabbi saw that their suffering was terrible indeed. “Now I will show you Heaven,” said the Lord, and they went into another room, exactly the same as the first. There was the same large round table, the same pot of stew. The people were equipped with the same long-handled spoons—but here everyone was well nourished and plump, laughing and talking. The rabbi could not understand. “It is simple, but it requires a certain skill,” said the Lord. “In this room, you see, they have learned to feed each other.”

InspirationalHumorHeavenHellHumourJokeJudaismSharingRabbi
Author:Irving Yalom
Create image

“People will say,"there's heaven and hell", and they take it so serious that they look so sorrowful with penitence. I would rather ask them to show me the route that leads to heaven or hell.”

PeopleThinkingWayInspirationalDreamHumorHeavenImaginationKnowledgeHellDoubtAtheismArgumentExperienceCuriosityAtheistCuriousJudgementJokeDreamingRumorSkepticalQuestionSkepticRaptureMichael Bassey JohnsonMetamorphosisExpressThomasPenitenceDoubting MindRouteUnbelieverDisbelieveTalksDoubting ThomasEmpyreanHeresayI Want To KnowThe Way The Truth And The Light
Author:Michael Bassey Johnson
Create image