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Famous Steven Wright Quotes
“The sign said "eight items or less". So I changed my name to Les.”
“I was in the first submarine. Instead of a periscope, they had a kaleidoscope. "We're surrounded."”
“Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.”
“How come you don't ever hear about gruntled employees? And who has been dis-ing them anyhow?”
“Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?”
“If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?”
“Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery's dead?”
“Why are they called a-part-ments, when they're all stuck together?”
“Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?”
“Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not a door?”
“Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?”
“Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?”
“Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?”
“Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard? Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?”
“Should you trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent?”
“Do married people live longer than single people or does it just SEEM longer?”
“If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?”
“If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?”
“If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?”
“For my sister's 50th birthday, I sent her a singing mammogram.”