“Why doesn’t the fattest man in the world become a hockey goalie?”
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Famous Steven Wright Quotes
“I’m a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I’ll forget.”
“I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.”
“I’m so tired... I was up all night trying to round off infinity.”
“I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.”
“If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?”
“Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?”
“I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don’t know what to feed it.”
“Whose cruel idea was it for the word “lisp” to have an “s” in it?”
“What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?”
“What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?”
“Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.”
“I finally got around to reading the dictionary. Turns out the Zebra did it.”
“I named my dog Stay, so I can say, 'Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!”
“If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.”
“I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone.”
“I had a dream that all the babies prevented by the pill showed up. They were mad.”
“I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates".”
“If Dracula can't see his reflection in a mirror, how come his hair is always so neatly combed?”
“Officer, I know I was going faster than 55MPH, but I wasn't going to be on the road an hour.”
“I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.”
“To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.”
“The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese”