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Famous Steven Wright Quotes
“Imagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears.”
“Sometimes I talk to myself in languages I'm unfamiliar with... just to screw with my subconscious.”
“The sun got confused about daylight savings time. It rose twice. Everything had two shadows.”
“I bought a cheap piece of land... It was on someone else’s property.”
“What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?”
“Why are they called buildings when they’re already finished? Shouldn’t they be called builts?”
“I tried to hang myself with a bungee cord. I kept almost dying.”
“I once locked my keys out of my car. I had to break out of my car with a coat hanger.”
“I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one – it wasn’t doing what I was doing.”
“I don’t have to walk my dog anymore. I walked him all at once.”
“If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?”
“Do the people in Australia call the rest of the world 'Up Over'?”
“If a mute kid swears, should his mother wash his hands with soap?”
“I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road. I don’t know how I got there.”