“I used to own an ant farm but had to give it up. I couldn't find tractors small enough to fit it.”
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Famous Steven Wright Quotes
“My friend Sam has one leg. I went to his house. I couldn't go up the stairs.”
“I brought a mirror to Lovers' Lane. I told everybody I'm Narcissus.”
“How many people does it take to change a searchlight bulb?”
“Yesterday I told a chicken to cross the road. It said, "What for?"”
“I eat swiss cheese. But I only nibble on it. I make the holes bigger.”
“I rented a lottery ticket. I won a million dollars. But I had to give it back.”
“If you melt dry ice in a pool and go swimming, will you get wet?”
“Winny would spend all of his time practicing limbo. He got pretty good. He could go under a rug.”
“I broke my arm trying to fold a bed. It wasn't the kind that folds.”
“They say we're 98% water. We're that close to drowning. I like to live on the edge.”
“I used to work at a health food store. I got fired for drinking straight Bosco on the job.”
“I forgot and left the lighthouse on all night. Next day the sun wouldn't rise.”
“I saw a vegetarian wearing a furry coat. so I looked closer. it was made of grass.”
“I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.”
“Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?”
“They say you're not supposed to put metal in a microwave oven. They're right.”
“A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.”