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Famous Steven Wright Quotes
“I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'”
“Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.”
“I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.”
“There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.”
“I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck. But my lawyer thinks he can get me five.”
“Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.”
“I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious!”
“I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.”
“Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.”
“I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.”
“If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?”
“Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.”
“I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.”
“I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.”
“I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side.”
“I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.”
“If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?”
“The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.”
“It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.”
“Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.”
“Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?”
“If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?”
“I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.”
“Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it.”