“I live on a one-way street that's also a dead end. I'm not sure how I got there.”
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Famous Steven Wright Quotes
“It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.”
“I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.”
“If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?”
“I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.”
“I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.”
“Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.”
“My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.”
“I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.”
“I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.”
“I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking,' but I don't have that much time.”
“I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it.”
“I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.”
“If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?”
“When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do you have any toy train schedules?”
“Be nice to your children. After all, they are going to choose your nursing home.”
“George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear him talk.”
“Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.”
“If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.”
“I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed-reading accident. I hit a bookmark.”
“I just have a relationship with my imagination. It's like my friend, almost.”
“My act is an exaggeration of a part of me. I'm much more expressive off stage.”
“My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.”