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Famous Steven Wright Quotes
“After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting out of the water?”
“I bought an ant farm. I don't know where I am going to get a tractor that small!”
“I have not lost my mind - it's backed up on disk somewhere.”
“I was hitchhiking the other day and a hearse stopped. I said, 'No thanks, I'm not going that far.”
“You know the old joke, I went to the fights and a hockey game broke out.”
“I went to a garage sale. 'How much for the garage' 'It's not for sale.'”
“I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house.”
“I have a quantum car. Every time I look at the speedometer I get lost.”
“The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.”
“I live at the end of a dead end one way street. I don't know how I got there.”
“I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings... Boy With Pail... Kitten On Fire.”
“I went to a 7-11 and asked for a 2x4 and a box of 3x5's. The clerk said, "ten-four."”
“I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They went "Aaaaahhhh..."”
“In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above... so I never have to go upstairs.”
“I parked in the tow-away zone, and when I got back, the entire neighborhood was gone.”