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Famous Steven Wright Quotes
“The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney.”
“My friend Winnie is a procrastinator. He didn't get his birth mark til he was eight years old.”
“I have a map of the united states .... it's original size ... it says one mile equals one mile.”
“Your honor, why would anyone in their right mind park in the passing lane?”
“Day 1 -- Still tired from the move. Day 2 -- Everybody talks to me like I'm an idiot.”
“The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.”
“If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.”
“Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.”
“A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.”
“I'm addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn't matter.”
“Black holes result from God dividing the universe by zero.”
“Last night I fell asleep in a satellite dish. My dreams were broadcast all over the world.”
“Babies don't need a vacation. But I still see them at the beach. It pisses me off.”
“I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.”
“Everything is within walking distance, as long as you have time.”
“If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?”
“I have a paper cut from writing my suicide note. It's a start.”
“Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?”
“Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have?”
“I spent all my money on a FAX machine. Now I can only FAX collect.”
“I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.”