Best humorous & humor Quotes | Short & Famous Sayings Page 6

Source: Boogers Are My Beat: More Lies, but Some Actual Journalism

“The Russians will never be able to get their missiles thought the dense protective layer of delayed flights circling over the United States in complex, puke-inducing holding patterns.”

States Humor Able Funny United United States Food Humorous Complexes Patterns Flight Layers Protective Airline Missiles Dense Delayed Air Travel Puke

Author:Dave Barry

“The planes are crowded and noisy and late, and everybody hates everybody. If armed terrorists had tried to hijack any of the flights I've been on lately, we passengers would have swiftly beaten them to death with those hard rolls you get with your in-flight meals.”

Ifs Hard Humor Funny Hate Food Late Humorous Terrorist Flight Planes Meals Beaten Crowded Airline Passengers Noisy Air Travel

Book:Dave Barry's Greatest Hits

Source: Dave Barry's Greatest Hits

“Funny, isn't it? The airlines go to all that trouble to keep you from taking a gun on board, then they just hand you a dinner roll you could kill a musk ox with.”

Humor Hands Funny Trouble Food Humorous Gun Dinner Boards Airline Air Travel Musk

Book:The World According to Dave Barry

Source: The World According to Dave Barry

“If Charles Lindbergh, flying with no instruments other than a bologna sandwich, managed to cross the Atlantic and land safely on a runway completely covered with French people, why are today's airplanes, which are equipped with radar and computers and individualized liquor bottles, unable to cope with fog?”

People Ifs Humor Today Funny Land Food Computer Humorous Crosses Instruments Flying Covered Bottles Airplane Fog Sandwiches Airline Liquor Radar Runway Air Travel Bologna

Book:Dave Barry's Greatest Hits

Source: Dave Barry's Greatest Hits

“I convinced him his luggage had gone to that big Bermuda Triangle in the sky.”

Humor Bigs Funny Gone Sky Food Humorous Convinced Airline Triangles Luggage Air Travel Bermuda Bermuda Triangle

Author:Erma Bombeck

“Some of the best fiction writers got their start writing airline menus.”

Writing Humor Funny Fiction Food Humorous Airline Fiction Writers Menus Air Travel

Author:Erma Bombeck

“The captain has just turned on the fasten-seat-belt-sign. He didn't mean to, but the joint he was smoking fell in his lap, and when he jumped up, his head hit the switch.”

Mean Humor Funny Food Humorous Seats Smoking Captains Belts Lap Joints Airline Air Travel Seat Belts

Author:George Carlin

“I like terra firma; the more firma, the less terra.”

Humor Funny Food Humorous Airline Air Travel Just For Fun Airplanes And Flying

Author:George S. Kaufman

“I was told to hand over my disposable lighter, to prevent, I suppose, any threat of "Do what I say or I'll light this Marlboro and you'll all die - in thirty years due to inhalation of secondhand smoke."”

Years Humor Hands Light Funny Dies Food Humorous Threat Dues Smoke Thirty Airline Thirty Years Lighters Disposable Air Travel Secondhand Smoke

Book:Peace Kills

Source: Peace Kills

“Modern air travel means less time spent in transit. That time is now spent in transit lounges.”

Mean Humor Funny Air Modern Food Humorous Airline Time Spent Air Travel

Book:Holidays in Hell

Source: Holidays in Hell

“Look at airport security now. What started out as definite racial profiling is now where the computer picks a name. That's why you get a seven-month-old getting a pat down. [Imitates a security officer.] "Check the diapers. They're full."”

Looks Humor Funny Names Security Food Months Computer Picks Humorous Seven Checks Officers Definite Airports Airline Diapers Racial Profiling Air Travel Seven Months Airport Security

Author:Robin Williams

“Pity the poor infant. Born perfect into the world from imperfect parents.”

World Children Humor Kids Funny Parent Born Perfect Poor Baby Humorous Pity Imperfect Infant

Author:Cynthia Heimel

“Babies are equipped at birth with a number of instinctive reflexes and behavior patterns that cause them to spend their first several years trying to kill themselves. If your home contains a sharp, toxic object, your baby will locate it; if your home contains no such object, your baby will try to obtain one via mail order.”

Source: Babies and Other Hazards of Sex: How to Make a Tiny Person in Only 9 Months, with Tools You Probably Have Around the Home

“Baby's room should be close enough to your room so that you can hear baby cry, unless you want to get some sleep, in which case baby's room should be in Peru.”

Want Should Children Enough Humor Kids Funny Sleep Rooms Cases Cry Baby Humorous Your Room Peru

Book:Babies and Other Hazards of Sex: How to Make a Tiny Person in Only 9 Months, with Tools You Probably Have Around the Home

Source: Babies and Other Hazards of Sex: How to Make a Tiny Person in Only 9 Months, with Tools You Probably Have Around the Home

“Babies should enjoy the freedom to vocalize whether it be in church, a public meeting place, during a movie, or after hours when the lights are out. They have not yet learned that joy and laughter have to last a lifetime and must be conserved.”

Should Children Humor Light Kids Funny Lasts Joy Enjoy Hours Church Baby Laughter Humorous Meetings Lifetime After Hours

Book:Forever, Erma: Best-Loved Writing From America's Favorite Humorist

Source: Forever, Erma: Best-Loved Writing From America's Favorite Humorist

“Quebec from the boat looked like the ramparts where Hamlet's ghost might have walked.”

Humor Might Funny Humorous Ghost Boat Canada Quebec

Author:Charlie Chaplin

“Canada, as you know, is a major important nation boasting a sophisticated, cosmopolitan culture that was tragically destroyed last week by beavers.”

Knows Important Humor Funny Lasts Culture Nations Week Majors Humorous Destroyed Canada Sophisticated Boast Beavers

Book:Dave Barry Talks Back

Source: Dave Barry Talks Back

“There are also a number of humans living up there (Canada), and in many ways they have a lifestyle quite similar to ours, including such traditional American activities as driving Japanese cars.”

Way Humans Humor Funny Numbers Car Activity Humorous Including Driving Lifestyle Traditional Canada

Book:Dave Barry's Only Travel Guide You'll Ever Need

Source: Dave Barry's Only Travel Guide You'll Ever Need

“It seems that Canada's historic mission is to come to the selfless aid both of its friends and of complete strangers, and then, once the crisis is over, to be well and truly ignored. Canada is the perpetual wallflower that stands on the edge of the hall, waiting for someone to come and ask her for a dance.”

Wells Humor Seems Funny Asks Waiting Humorous Crisis Edges Stranger Missions Aids Canada Halls Selfless Perpetual Ignored Historic Canada Day Happy Canada Day

Author:Kevin Myers

“I read and learned and fretted more about Canada after I left than I ever did while I was home. I absorbed anything I could on topics that ranged from Folklore to history to political mainifestos... I ranted and raved and seethed about things beyond my control. In short I acted like a Canadian.”

Home Humor Funny Political Left Humorous Canada Topics Folklore Canada Funny Canada Being Great Canadian History Beyond My Control

Author:Will Ferguson

“She say, Celie, tell the truth, have you ever found God in church? I never did. I just found a bunch of folks hoping for him to show.”

Shows Humor Funny Found Church Humorous Folks Bunch Telling The Truth

Author:Alice Walker

“The church has historically been very slow to embrace technology. Until very recently, their idea of a laptop was an altar boy.”

Ideas Humor Funny Church Boys Technology Humorous Embrace Altars Laptops

Author:Bill Maher

“We even switched to a newly-formed church across the town that gave one hundred and twenty trading stamps each time we attended. (We now worship a brown and white chicken with a sunburst on its chest.)”

Humor Funny Church White Worship Humorous Hundred Twenties Towns Brown Chickens Chests Trading Stamps

Book:At Wit's End

Source: At Wit's End

“I've always figured that if God wanted us to go to church a lot He'd have given us bigger behinds to sit on and smaller heads to think with.”

Ifs Thinking Humor Wanted Funny Given Church Behinds Humorous Bigger

Book:Holidays in Hell

Source: Holidays in Hell

“Why go to a church to worship God? A church is man made. God never said, "And let there be aluminum siding." Climbing a tree to talk to God sounds like a better idea since only God can make a tree. And if that tree's on a golf course, all the better.”

Ifs Men Made Said Ideas God Humor Funny Courses Sound Church Tree Worship Humorous Golf Climbing Golf Course Worship God Aluminum Siding

Book:I'm Not Really Here

Source: I'm Not Really Here

“From the air, Vatican City looked like a marble Monopoly set. The Church owned all the property from Broadwalk to Illinois Avenue, has three hotels on every lot, and no matter how often it tossed the dice you just knew it would never land on Go to Jail, it would be forever passing Go and collecting $200.”

Matter Humor Would Be Funny Three Church Cities Forever Air Land Humorous Property Passing Passings Hotel Jail Monopoly Avenues Collecting Marble Dice Illinois

Book:Another Roadside Attraction

Source: Another Roadside Attraction

“John Connally's conversion to the GOP raised the intellectual level of both parties.”

Humor Funny Levels Party Republican Intellectual Humorous Democrat Raised Conversion Gop

Author:Frank Mankiewicz

“The Democrats believe that if God did not want them to raise taxes, He would not have created the Internal Revenue Service.”

Ifs Want Believe Humor Funny Party Republican Taxes Humorous Raises Democrat Internals Revenue

Author:Dave Barry

“The Democrats said, "We don't know what's wrong with America, but we can fix it." The Republicans said, "There's nothing wrong with America, and we can fix that."”

Knows Said Humor Funny America Party Republican Humorous Democrat

Book:Parliament of Whores: A Lone Humorist Attempts to Explain the Entire U.S. Government

Source: Parliament of Whores: A Lone Humorist Attempts to Explain the Entire U.S. Government

“The Democrats planned to fiddle while Rome burned. The Republicans were going to burn Rome, then fiddle.”

Humor Funny Party Republican Humorous Democrat Rome Burned Fiddle

Book:Parliament of Whores: A Lone Humorist Attempts to Explain the Entire U.S. Government

Source: Parliament of Whores: A Lone Humorist Attempts to Explain the Entire U.S. Government

“In my experience, if you go to a hospital for any reason whatsoever, including to read the gas meter, they give you a tetanus shot.”

Ifs Giving Reason Humor Funny Humorous Shots Doctors Medicine Including Gas Hospitals Meter Tetanus

Book:Dave Barry Is from Mars and Venus

Source: Dave Barry Is from Mars and Venus

Humorous Quotes

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