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Twenties Quotes

Browse 2625 quotes about Twenties.

Twenties Quotes

“According to the Rand McNally Places-Rated Almanac, the best place to live in America is the city of Pittsburgh. The city of New York came in twenty-fifth. Here in New York we really don't care too much. Because we know that we could beat up their city anytime.”

Knows Humor Care Funny America Cities Too Much New York Beats Twenties Don't Care Fifth Places To Live Best Place Pittsburgh Caring Too Much

Author:David Letterman

“Shave a gorilla and it would be almost impossible, at twenty paces, to distinguish him from a heavyweight champion of the world. Skin a chimpanzee, and it would take an autopsy to prove he was not a theologian.”

World Humor Would Be Funny Impossible Prove Skins Twenties Champion Pace Theologian Chimpanzees Gorillas Heavyweights Autopsy

Author:H. L. Mencken

“I didn't lose my virginity until I was twenty-six. Nineteen vaginally, but twenty-six what my boyfriend calls "the real way".”

Way Real Humor Funny Loses Six Twenties Virginity My Boyfriend Nineteen

Author:Sarah Silverman

“When you cut it up, put the pieces in your mouth and swallowed them, the British hamburger shaped itself to the bottom on your stomach like ballast, while interacting with your gastric juices to form an incipient belch of enormous potential, an airship which had been inflated in a garage. This belch, when silently released, would cause people standing twenty yards away to start examining the soles of their shoes. The vocalized version sounded like a bag of tools thrown into a bog.”

Source: Falling Towards England: (Unreliable Memoirs Continued)

“And if ten percent of men are gay and twenty percent of men are Chinese, what are the odds that a men chosen at random spends his free time and mealtime while on his knees.”

Ifs Men Humor Funny Gay Ten Percent Twenties Chosen Chinese Knees Odds Free Time

Author:Bo Burnham

“In New York, you are constantly faced with this very urgent decision that you have to make, about every twenty minutes...you have to decide, immediately, you have to go "Ohmigod. Do I look at the most beautiful woman in the world or the craziest guy in the world?"”

World Looks Humor Funny Beautiful Guy Decision Minutes New York Twenties Urgent Beautiful Women Craziest Most Beautiful Woman In The World

Author:David Cross

“For me, stand-up comedy is a conversation between me and the audience. I have to keep them listening. When I'm making jokes about cake for twenty minutes, I have to make sure my audience is interested and following where I'm going.”

Humor Funny Audience Comedy Minutes Listening Conversation Jokes Twenties Following Cake Stand Up Comedy

Author:Jim Gaffigan

“Football is a simple game. Twenty-two men chase a ball for 90 minutes and at the end, the Germans always win.”

Men Two Ends Funny Games Winning Sports Simple Minutes Football Balls Twenties Soccer Germany Chasing Funny Soccer Twenty Two Funny Sports Funny Football

Author:Gary Lineker

“A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.”

Ifs Men Funny Women Sleep Mistake Jokes Twenties Hilarious Funny Relationship Nineteen Tramps Questions Asked No Sleep Sleeping Around

Author:Joan Rivers

“If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.”

Ifs Looks Funny Women Six Twenties Damn Twelve Sixteen

Author:Chris Rock

“I'm not a real movie star. I've still got the same wife I started out with twenty-eight years ago.”

Years Stills Real Funny Stars Wife Humorous Years Ago Twenties Witty Eight Movie Movie Star Keeping It Real

Author:Will Rogers

“Golf is played by twenty million mature American men whose wives think they are out having fun.”

“I met a lot of hard-boiled eggs in my life, but you - you're twenty minutes.”

Funny Minutes Mets Twenties My Time Eggs Boiled Eggs

Author:Billy Wilder

“There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.”

People Humor Funny Power Comedy Twenties Stores Yesterday Department Trapped Selflessness Department Stores Escalators

Author:Steven Wright

“Hindsight is always twenty-twenty.”

Funny Vision History Twenties Luck Hindsight

Author:Billy Wilder

“Nature gives you the face you have at twenty; it is up to you to merit the face you have at fifty.”

“Give me a kiss, and to that kiss a score: Then to that twenty, add a hundred more.”

Giving Funny Kissing Hundred Give Me Twenties Add Score Kiss Me First Kiss Romantic Kiss Kissing Funny Just Kiss Me

Book:Selected poems

Source: Selected poems

“Mumps, measles, and puppy love are terrible after twenty.”

Love Funny Terrible Twenties Witty Puppy Funny Love Measles Puppy Love Cool Love

Author:Mignon McLaughlin

“I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.”

Book War Humor Funny Courses Reading Minutes Drink Twenties Intelligence Speed Russia Beer Favourite Speed Reading

Author:Woody Allen

“Boys in their twenties are a waste of time. They have nothing to offer conversationally; they're immature. I feel like I have a better shot with someone in his thirties.”

Feels Funny Boys Offers Waste Shots Twenties Wasting Time Immature

Author:Megan Fox