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Dave Barry

Dave Barry Quotes

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Famous Dave Barry Quotes

“We have been flooded with postal cards from all over the United States and several parallel universes. Just a quick glance though these cards is enough to remind you why this great nation, despite all the talk of decline, still leads the world in tranquilizer consumption.”

WorldHas BeensStillsStatesEnoughFunnyAmericaUniverseNationsUnitedUnited StatesHumorousDespiteCardsDeclineConsumptionGlancesParallelsGreat NationsParallel Universe
Book:Dave Barry Talks Back
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“Babies are equipped at birth with a number of instinctive reflexes and behavior patterns that cause them to spend their first several years trying to kill themselves. If your home contains a sharp, toxic object, your baby will locate it; if your home contains no such object, your baby will try to obtain one via mail order.”

IfsTryingYearsFirstsChildrenHomeHumorKidsFunnyOrderCausesNumbersObjectsBabyBirthBehaviorHumorousPatternsToxicMailReflexesBehavior Patterns
Book:Babies and Other Hazards of Sex: How to Make a Tiny Person in Only 9 Months, with Tools You Probably Have Around the Home
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“Baby's room should be close enough to your room so that you can hear baby cry, unless you want to get some sleep, in which case baby's room should be in Peru.”

WantShouldChildrenEnoughHumorKidsFunnySleepRoomsCasesCryBabyHumorousYour RoomPeru
Book:Babies and Other Hazards of Sex: How to Make a Tiny Person in Only 9 Months, with Tools You Probably Have Around the Home
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“They have a lot of trouble with pronunciation, because they can't move their jaw muscles, because of malnutrition caused by wisely refusing to eat English food, much of which was designed and manufactured in medieval times during the reign of King Walter the Mildly Disturbed.”

FunnyMovingTroubleKingsHumorousEnglandMusclesReignMedievalDisturbedMalnutritionPronunciationMedieval Times
Book:The World According to Dave Barry
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“One night in Tokyo we watched two Japanese businessmen saying good-night to each other after what had clearly been a long night of drinking, a major participant sport in Japan. These men were totally snockered, having reached the stage of inebriation wherein every air molecule that struck caused them to wobble slightly, but they still managed to behave more formally than Americans do at funerals.”

MenLongStillsTwoFunnyNightSportsAirStageMajorsHumorousDrinkingBehaveJapanFuneralBusinessmanOne NightParticipantsMoleculesGood NightTokyoLong NightsInebriation
Author:Dave Barry
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“The Japanese eat, sleep, and breathe golf; the only thing they don't do is actually play it, because to get on a course, you have to make a reservation roughly 137 years in advance, which means that by the time you actually get to the first tee you are deceased. Of course, in golf this is not really a handicap.”

YearsFirstsMeanPlayFunnyCoursesSleepHumorousGolfBreatheJapanReservationsHandicapsTeesDeceased
Book:Dave Barry Does Japan
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“At the height of rush hour, people on the London underground actually say "excuse me." Imagine what would happen if you tried an insane stunt like that on the New York City subway. The other passengers would take it as a sign of weakness, and there'd be a fight over who got to keep your ears as a trophy.”

PeopleIfsHappensFunnyFightingHoursCitiesImagineNew YorkHumorousWeaknessEarsExcuseLondonInsaneHeightNew York CityPassengersSubwayTrophiesExcuse MeRush Hour
Book:Dave Barry Talks Back
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“If he (The New York Taxi Driver) talked to me, he might lose his concentration, which would be very bad because the taxi has some kind of problem with the steering, probably dead pedestrians lodged in the mechanism, the result being that there is a delay of 8 to 10 seconds between the time the driver turns the wheel and the time the taxi actually changes direction, a handicap that the driver is compensating for by going 175 miles per hour, at which velocity we are able to remain airborne almost to the far rim of some of the smaller potholes.”

IfsKindProblemMightWould BeAbleTurnsHoursLosesResultsNew YorkHumorousMilesWheelsConcentrationDriversSecondsMechanismDelayTaxiHandicapsVelocitySteeringRimsPedestriansAirbornePotholes
Author:Dave Barry
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