Jarod Kintz Quotes

“He has a golf swing like a Bukowski line. It's slightly rough, but it's got a shape that knifes through time.”

Source: Whenever you're here, I'm there for you

Poetry Time Poet Poem Golf Author Golfing Bukowski Golfer

Book:To be good at golf you must go full koala bear

Source: To be good at golf you must go full koala bear

“Time is fluid, like water. Swim in it like a duck.”

Time Swim Swimming Ducks Duck Duck Quote Duck Quotes

“You are the sculptor, and the future is your sculpture. Tomorrow is shaped today.”

Source: A Memoir of Memories and Memes

Wisdom Time Wise Tomorrow Future Sculpture

“The past is marble. It's unmovable, and the you from then is no more than a statue—a likeness of you that looks like you but is not you.”

Source: A Memoir of Memories and Memes

Past Time History Identity You Person Marble

“Stevie splits his time between Branson and Nashville. I think it's smart to divide time by location, rather than AM and PM, because that way you get more distance and are able to extend your life out further.”

Source: A Memoir of Memories and Memes

Life Humor Time Location Nashville Branson Branson Missouri

“Squirrels never have to clock out to eat lunch. They also never pay for their food, so are humans really at the top of the power chart?”

Source: A Memoir of Memories and Memes

Time Money Power Food Lunch Squirrel Humor Squirrels

“Time is a murderer. A clock’s two hands slowly strangle us all.”

Source: A Memoir of Memories and Memes

Hands Time Murder Clock

Book:Powdered Saxophone Music

Source: Powdered Saxophone Music

“If I could time travel, I wouldn’t tell anybody, because who would believe me? I mean, obviously I can time travel, because how do you think I move forward in life?”

Life Humor Time Time Travel

Book:Powdered Saxophone Music

Source: Powdered Saxophone Music

“The future is always on its way, but never here. That's why you never invite it for dinner.”

Humor Time Future Dinner Invitation

Book:Powdered Saxophone Music

Source: Powdered Saxophone Music

“I can make it rain, just by waiting. I'm like that all the time, some of the time.”

Humor Time Rain Absurd Weather

Book:Powdered Saxophone Music

Source: Powdered Saxophone Music

“I like seeing construction, even if it's just renovation, because it symbolizes one thing: Hope. If tomorrow looks worse than today, and the day after looks worse than tomorrow, and despair permeates the air, then decay defeats repair.”

Time Hope Economy Construction Decay Repair Renovation Repairs

Book:Powdered Saxophone Music

Source: Powdered Saxophone Music

“The future hasn’t come. And when it arrives, it will be the present. Think about that next time you’re late.”

Humor Past Time Future Late Present

Book:Powdered Saxophone Music

Source: Powdered Saxophone Music

“If you are an aspiring honey farmer, I have a documentary you NEED to watch. It's called The Beekeeper, and it stars Jason Stratham. It is the Mission Impossible of apiculturist culture.”

Humor Culture Honey Bees Farm Farmer Beekeeper Apiculture Jason Stratham

“When slightly open, a door is ajar, but when slightly open, is a jar adoor?”

Source: A Memoir of Memories and Memes

Humor Door Open Wordplay Jar Ajar

Book:94,000 Wasps in a Trench Coat

Source: 94,000 Wasps in a Trench Coat

“The door is ajar. The door is not a jar.”

Humor Door Wordplay Jar Ajar

“Money is flowing past you all the time like an invisible breeze. The trick is to get some to slide into your pockets and stay.”

Source: Whenever you're here, I'm there for you

Humor Time Wealth Money Flow Pockets Breeze Trick Pocket

Book:Eggs, they’re not just for breakfast

Source: Eggs, they’re not just for breakfast

“I'm running late, but there's always time to scribble weird messages in guest signage books. Also, am I really late? The Catholic Church added a thousand years to history, so I figure I'm actually way ahead of schedule.”

Humor Time History Late Write Weird Schedule Running Late

Book:Eggs, they’re not just for breakfast

Source: Eggs, they’re not just for breakfast

“Before the blue of night meets the pink of sunrise, there is a transition of lavender. It's a gradient of color that stretches its fade through time, and that gives each moment a unique and exquisite existence.”

Time Sky Color Blue Sunrise Lavender Pink

“Today is the one that introduces Yesterday to Tomorrow. If it weren't for Today, Nostalgia would never meet Hope.”

Source: The Lewis and Clark of The Ozarks

Today Time Hope Tomorrow Nostalgia Yesterday

“To blame me in the past is a very future me thing to do. But what am I supposed to do, scapegoat someone else for my mistakes? Somebody needs to be held accountable, and it certainly won’t be the version of me in that moment.”

Source: The Lewis and Clark of The Ozarks

Humor Time Blame Absurd Accountability Moment Scapegoat

“Time is fluid, like the wide sky that fades into bright orange in a sunset in The Ozarks. Every moment is meant to be sipped and savored like a slow mimosa.”

Source: The Lewis and Clark of The Ozarks

Time Sunset Orange Fluid Ozarks The Ozarks Mimosa

“Water doesn’t shape like clay when you move it with your hands. I've spent a lot of time swimming, and none of my motion art stayed in place. All my aqua sculpting rippled into the future, never to be seen again.”

Source: The Lewis and Clark of The Ozarks

Art Time Water Future Swim Swimming Clay Sculpting

“Golf is so scenic that it makes me want to compose haikus on the greens. Mini-golf makes me want to write even shorter poetry.”

Source: The Lewis and Clark of The Ozarks

Poetry Golf Haiku Mini Golf

Book:Powdered Saxophone Music

Source: Powdered Saxophone Music

“This Saturday I'm having a Yard Sale. I'm selling sod in cute little squares. (Buy Two, Get A FREE Duck!)”

Ducks Duck Duck Quote Duck Quotes Yard Sale

Book:Music is fluid, and my saxophone overflows when my ducks slosh in the sounds I make in elevators.

Source: Music is fluid, and my saxophone overflows when my ducks slosh in the sounds I make in elevators.

“I drank all the water in my thermos, and it is empty. That means the water is in me, and I have become the thermos. I’m like Stanley, only not as popular.”

Humor Water Absurd Popularity Stanley Popular Thermos

“Do you like gunfights? If so, you should visit your nearest Popeyes chicken restaurant. It’s like a real Murder Mystery Dinner.”

Source: A Memoir of Memories and Memes

Humor Violence Dinner Murder Mystery Fast Food Fried Chicken Gunfight Popeyes

“A flamingo is a pink giraffe bird. That’s pretty exotic until you consider that a Pekin duck is the Amelia Earhart of avians.”

Source: Whenever you're here, I'm there for you

Ducks Duck Exotic Duck Quote Duck Quotes Flamingo

Book:Ducks are the stars of the karaoke bird world

Source: Ducks are the stars of the karaoke bird world

“Every Friday The Thirteenth I celebrate Knights Templar Day. Here at my Duck Farm Gift Shop, I've got THE authentic map that details the location of their hidden treasure, and I'll sell it to you for ONLY $19.95. (Limit one per customer.)”

Treasure Absurd Ducks Sales Duck Duck Quote Duck Quotes Deal Map Knights Templar

Book:Music is fluid, and my saxophone overflows when my ducks slosh in the sounds I make in elevators.

Source: Music is fluid, and my saxophone overflows when my ducks slosh in the sounds I make in elevators.

“If you're not too busy making money for The Bankers for FREE, would you mind if I used your body to power BearPaw Duck And Meme Farm? As far as batteries go, you're the second most interesting one I've ever met.”

Interesting Power Ducks Duck Battery Bearpaw Duck And Meme Farm

Book:Duck Quotes For The Ages. Specifically ages 18-81.

Source: Duck Quotes For The Ages. Specifically ages 18-81.

“Time flies, it's true. But what kind of wings does it have, butterfly wings, bat wings, or eagle wings? None. It has the wings of a duck, which is why I'm surprised nobody in history has noticed that time also swims.”

Time Swimming Ducks Butterfly Duck Duck Quote Duck Quotes Time Flies Eagle Bat

Book:Music is fluid, and my saxophone overflows when my ducks slosh in the sounds I make in elevators.

Source: Music is fluid, and my saxophone overflows when my ducks slosh in the sounds I make in elevators.

“I've been to Mansfield. Maybe one day I'll go back and find myself an Amish woman to marry and we will have enough kids so they can all just pick up my barn and we can move my duck farm to the newest Meme Factory where I'll find work as a caption creator.”

Humor Absurd Ducks Duck Memes Meme Mansfield Meme Factory

“If Elvis ran for Mayor of Branson, who would run against him? I mean, besides the dozens of Elvis Impersonators in the area trying to make a name for themselves by trying to make a name for Elvis.”

Source: A Memoir of Memories and Memes

Humor Elvis Mayor Branson Branson Missouri Impersonator

“Don’t try to be better than the best, because once you beat him, he’s a loser. And so what, you beat a loser. Does it make you feel good to go around beating losers?”

Source: Whenever you're here, I'm there for you

Humor Competition Best Better Beat

Book:Me and memes and memories

Source: Me and memes and memories

“It's not easy to be the best. But it helps if you're willing to buy your own trophies.”

Humor Competition Absurd Best Award Trophy

Book:Powdered Saxophone Music

Source: Powdered Saxophone Music

“Nature is the best. I suppose you could say that that would therefore make unnatural the second best, but I prefer to think of it as the worst.”

Humor Nature Worst Best Unnatural

Book:Powdered Saxophone Music

Source: Powdered Saxophone Music

“To blame me in the past is a very future me thing to do. But what am I supposed to do, blame someone else for my mistakes? Somebody needs to be held accountable, and it certainly won’t be the version of me in that moment.”

Humor Past Time Mistake History Blame Mistakes Absurd Accountability

Book:There are Two Typos of People in This World: Those Who Can Edit and Those Who Can't

Source: There are Two Typos of People in This World: Those Who Can Edit and Those Who Can't

“Haka is performative warriorism. As far as fighters go, the Māori are dancers.”

War Dancing Dance Fighter Warrior Performative

Book:Me and memes and memories

Source: Me and memes and memories

“Of all the warriors in the world, The Māori may be the best dancers. When other fighters prepare for battle, The Māori break out into a choreographed routine.”

War Dancing Dance Warrior Dancer Choreography

Book:Me and memes and memories

Source: Me and memes and memories

“Whenever I tell people I like to dance, they invariably ask if I can MoonWalk. No, I say, but I can fake it in a film studio.”

Humor Moon Dancing Dance Moonwalk

Book:Me and memes and memories

Source: Me and memes and memories

“I shimmy so much before teeing off, people are probably thinking, "Are you going to golf—or dance?” Well, why not both?”

Thinking Humor Dancing Golf Dance Absurd Golfing Golfer

Book:To be good at golf you must go full koala bear

Source: To be good at golf you must go full koala bear

“I once saw a marble statue in a museum, and it shocked me, because that piece of art had stolen my dance moves. Romance frozen in motion is my contribution to the culture of music, and I hope Harrison hires me to perform at their new concert venue.”

Humor Culture Music Dancing Dance Statue Harrison Arkansas Harrison

“As a man who dances like a bronze statue, in the style of Rodin's The Thinker, I know a thing or two about choreography. OK, maybe just a thing, and that thing is this: The dancers in The Anthems of Rock can move—and they’re a big reason the audience was so moved with each song.”

Source: A Memoir of Memories and Memes

Dancing Dance Thinker Choreography Statue Branson Branson Missouri Anthems Of Rock

“Some people sing and dance. I do the opposite of that, and I think the only person who could truly appreciate my art is Helen Keller.”

Source: A Memoir of Memories and Memes

Art Humor Artist Singing Dancing Dance Absurd Sing Helen Keller

“Using only audio software and recordings of ducks quacking and splashing in water, I make intergender music. That way you can ponder if you are truly Disney Trans enough for modern society while you dance with yourself.”

Source: A Memoir of Memories and Memes

Humor Music Musician Dancing Dance Absurd Ducks Weird Duck Audio