“The sign in the forest said, “Closed For Repairs.” I wrote it and nailed it on a tree myself. I’m a farmer of parking lots, and I grow them like 1980s mall culture.”
Source: 94,000 Wasps in a Trench Coat
“I see tourists as balloons. I can't take my pet tree for a walk, so instead I host children's parties for geriatrics.”
Source: Whenever you're here, I'm there for you
“Both a rose and a cactus have thorns, and while the rose may say, "I love you," the cactus says, "Fuck off." I think that's important to remember, and it's the ideal way to farm ducks.”
Source: Music is fluid, and my saxophone overflows when my ducks slosh in the sounds I make in elevators.
“I can see why people drink booze, because boos are a little too dry to satisfy thirst. It would be like chugging a cactus, and while that has enough water for a duck to swim in, it's the kind of thing that's best served to politicians.”
Source: Music is fluid, and my saxophone overflows when my ducks slosh in the sounds I make in elevators.
“In my library are many books. There are also many ducks, because those are the engines that power the 11th century, which is where I live today, just like everybody else who doesn’t believe the lies told by calendars.”
Source: Whenever you're here, I'm there for you
“We can’t meet at the restaurant Monday because they are closed Mondays. I wish Mondays were closed and the restaurant was open. Or we could meet somewhere in the middle, like ajar, which is OpenClosed. That reminds me: Duck Soup goes best in a jar.”
Source: BearPaw Duck And Meme Farm presents: Two Ducks Brawling Is A Pre-Pillow Fight
“Changing the land is shaping the future. In a sense, a bulldozer is a time machine.”
Source: Powdered Saxophone Music
“If I owned a bulldozer, it would be my paintbrush, and the land would be my canvas. My art would be full of streams, creeks, and waterfalls.”
Source: Eggs, they’re not just for breakfast
“Over time, ink fades like a duck quack in the wind. I have a baseball signed by Babe Ruth, but his autograph has gone invisible. That’s why it’s now ON SALE for ONLY $19.95.”
Source: Music is fluid, and my saxophone overflows when my ducks slosh in the sounds I make in elevators.
“Ducks are the fish of the bird world. I like to drink beer and catch a few. One line that always hooks them is this: “You can take a crash course in flying from The Amelia Earhart School of Aviation with no money down.”
Source: Ducks are the stars of the karaoke bird world
“Amelia Earhart is the inverse Helen Keller of aviation. Nobody has seen or heard from her since her last flight, so she was such a bad pilot she turned the whole world blind and deaf.”
Source: Me and memes and memories
“When AI finishes taking everyone's career, nobody will be able to derive a personal identity from their job title. Then we will all be hobbyists, and I'm starting early. I am Jarod Kintz, Pickleball Historian.”
Source: Powdered Saxophone Music
“I recently made my directorial debut in the category of duck documentary—in GIF format. I hope viewers don’t think my cinematic masterpiece goes on too long, because the extended version comes in at just over six seconds—which might be pushing the limits of modern attention spans.”
Source: Music is fluid, and my saxophone overflows when my ducks slosh in the sounds I make in elevators.
“Some people drink soda. I prefer hummingbird fluid. It will make your heart flutter so fast it's like it's hovering in place in your chest, and that's why The Government doesn't want you to know it exists in seven great flavors to choose from (eight, if you count the extra one).”
Source: Me and memes and memories
“Questions shaped like slow elevators deserve jazz oxygen. You know, music designed to suffocate a small space.”
Source: Eggs, they’re not just for breakfast
“I’m now selling Duck-Soup Popsicles in vintage meatloaf colors. The flavor of 1991 has never looked so good while camping. Just ask Bigfoot.”
Source: BearPaw Duck And Meme Farm presents: Two Ducks Brawling Is A Pre-Pillow Fight
“The felt on my pool table is blue, so it looks like a pool. I like to shoot billiards with my duck sitting on the table, because swimming is better with no possibility of drowning.”
Source: BearPaw Duck And Meme Farm presents: Two Ducks Brawling Is A Pre-Pillow Fight
“I once sold shoes. They were Buy One, Get One FREE. Then I met a customer with only one foot, and now I have an extra shoe. So, I filled it with duck eggs, because I ran out of room in the six pockets of my pool table.”
Source: Music is fluid, and my saxophone overflows when my ducks slosh in the sounds I make in elevators.
“Pool tables should have contours, like golf courses. For a novice billiards player, I have a pretty good swing.”
Source: There are Two Typos of People in This World: Those Who Can Edit and Those Who Can't
“I like mini-golf. For me, it’s like long-billiards, where the green has contours, and the table is the floor. This putt-putt course is dilapidated, but that just makes it more challenging.”
Source: The Lewis and Clark of The Ozarks
“My love is a dandelion in a tornado, and hers is a lit birthday candle in a hurricane. That's why my Duck Soup has that slight taste of WindFlower.”
Source: BearPaw Duck And Meme Farm presents: Two Ducks Brawling Is A Pre-Pillow Fight
“The dandelion gives all of its future to ride on the wind for one beautiful moment. I'll bet my flightless Pekin ducks would trade their life away to become one with the breeze.”
Source: Music is fluid, and my saxophone overflows when my ducks slosh in the sounds I make in elevators.
“Dandelions grow up through concrete and are viewed by people in the city as weeds. The fact is, they are valued members of the community.”
Source: Whenever you're here, I'm there for you
“My ducks are being snatched one by one in the dark of night by a stealthy predator, probably a bobcat. To show this thief he is not welcome, I have posted a No Trespassing sign. That ought to stop him.”
Source: BearPaw Duck And Meme Farm presents: Two Ducks Brawling Is A Pre-Pillow Fight
“I once saw a canyon shaped like a swimming bird. Was it a duck? Well, I quacked and it quacked back.”
Source: Music is fluid, and my saxophone overflows when my ducks slosh in the sounds I make in elevators.
“I run like a puzzle. My knees are like colored cubes that rotate and need to be solved.”
Source: Eggs, they’re not just for breakfast
“I like landscape architecture. And I studied horticulture the old-fashioned way—by watching golf on TV.”
Source: Me and memes and memories
“I don't let my spaghetti dangle, or twirl it around my fork. I cut it. Of course, my preferred slicing utensil is a Rubik's Cube, because knives are edgy, but 3D squares are 12 times more dangerous.”
Source: Eggs, they’re not just for breakfast
“There’s really only one thing to do when you discover you’ve made a mistake: Hide it. And if you can’t hide it, find someone plausible to blame. This is The Way of The Politician.”
Source: Whenever you're here, I'm there for you
“A Chamber of Commerce President is a pure politician. He takes meetings and then takes credit for jobs he didn't create.”
Source: Eggs, they’re not just for breakfast
“Every duck farm needs a chat bot automating messaging. You wouldn't believe the amount of queries I get. In fact, next time I get one it will be the first time.”
Source: Ducks are the stars of the karaoke bird world
“Tourists are as fleeting as holographic butterflies. The only thing permanent in this world is my Leftover Meatloaf. Branson needs to quickly learn this before I'm completely SOLD OUT.”
Source: There are Two Typos of People in This World: Those Who Can Edit and Those Who Can't
“Frisland is a country that's so powerful it had itself removed off all world maps, so it could stealthily gain influence. It has an ancient ruler named King Anthony, better known as Susan B. Anthony. Susan really do be Anthony.
King Anthony began to reign over Frisland just as soon as Susan B. Anthony "died." At first, King Anthony was kept alive through crude cloning techniques, but over the last century, technology has advanced so far that now King Anthony exists as a spirit embedded in a hologram.”
Source: 94,000 Wasps in a Trench Coat
“Are people online real? I am a hologram. My favorite color is duck soup in audio format.”
Source: Me and memes and memories
“John Daly is from Arkansas, but now lives in Florida. I'm from Florida, but now I live in Arkansas. I am the inverse John Daly, and I think my golf game proves it.”
Source: To be good at golf you must go full koala bear
“El Lindo tastes like the line from that famous murder mystery movie “Rambo,” when Nicolas Cage rips off his tuxedo and says, “I may be a lot of things, but I ain’t a man to call Taco Bell Mexican cuisine." I love a good romance.”
Source: 94,000 Wasps in a Trench Coat
“In the Arkansas section of The Ozarks, you’ll find water so blue it’s almost green. Around here, and anywhere people aren’t colorblind, we call that teal.”
Source: The Lewis and Clark of The Ozarks
“I describe The Ozarks as somewhere in the middle of enchanting and charming. I don't know where exactly, so let's call it encharming.”
Source: The Lewis and Clark of The Ozarks
“Walmart told me I couldn't buy beer on Sunday. They said it was Arkansas state law. So, I didn't pay for it and I walked out with a six pack. I'm glad they made booze FREE one day a week.”
Source: Eggs, they’re not just for breakfast
“Coaching is the only thing where the more someone else practices, the better you get. That’s my kind of hard work.
People always ask me, "Jarod, how come you don't have a Guinness World Record for getting others to do what you aren't capable of doing?"
I tell them I don't worry about awards, because I'm a buy-my-own-trophies kind of guy.
Plus, I'm too busy being the greatest duck farmer in history.
Then I give them the customer service number to call at Guinness, because that's a good question that demands to be answered.”
Source: Duck Quotes For The Ages. Specifically ages 18-81.
“If you ask most little boys what they want to be when they grow up, they say things like fireman, elite esports athlete, or brothel manager. But not me. I wanted something sexy. I wanted to be a duck farmer.”
Source: Duck Quotes For The Ages. Specifically ages 18-81.
“I'm the only duck farmer I know who also plays the saxophone. Of course, I don't play it well, which is why I only perform in elevators. Also, I'm the only duck farmer I know.”
Source: Ducks are the stars of the karaoke bird world
“She said she had two brothers, one in heaven and one in college. I said, "Aww, sorry to hear about the one. Such a tragedy to lose a brother to debt servitude. Tell him to drop out and become a duck farmer before he's too indoctrinated.”
Source: Music is fluid, and my saxophone overflows when my ducks slosh in the sounds I make in elevators.
“Tennis Elbow is easily curable, and here's how: Switch to playing ping-pong. Sure, the pain is still there, but now it's Ping-Pong Elbow, and that's so silly it might make you rethink your hobbies, which might turn you into a duck farmer.”
Source: Music is fluid, and my saxophone overflows when my ducks slosh in the sounds I make in elevators.
“I didn't ask to be The Duck King. I was elected by unanimous Quack.”
Source: Music is fluid, and my saxophone overflows when my ducks slosh in the sounds I make in elevators.
“I’m a duck farmer, and I’m trying to raise them to be productive members of society. It’s hard, because so many of them seem to want to join a gang.”
Source: BearPaw Duck And Meme Farm presents: Two Ducks Brawling Is A Pre-Pillow Fight
“I could grow to love you, but I’m not that kind of farmer. No, I’m the kind that grows things that actually benefit more than one person—I’m a duck farmer.”
Source: Music is fluid, and my saxophone overflows when my ducks slosh in the sounds I make in elevators.
“I'm growing as a person. I'm self-farming. That's the highest form of farming, even greater than being a duck farmer, which, as you can imagine, is pretty great.”
Source: A Memoir of Memories and Memes
“Hide things everywhere. Forget about them. Find them randomly and feel surprised like a pirate finding buried treasure. Avoid scurvy. Love more.”
Source: There are Two Typos of People in This World: Those Who Can Edit and Those Who Can't
“I make my Duck Soup Milkshakes by hand, the same way I make my handshakes. Just kidding—my hello, nice-to-meet-yous are all store-bought at Walmart and translated by Google. 你好，很高興認識你.”
Source: BearPaw Duck And Meme Farm presents: Two Ducks Brawling Is A Pre-Pillow Fight