“He told the joke, but I saw the punch line coming early and was able to dodge it before it hit me. There's nothing funny about being hit by something you saw before it arrived.”
Source: Me and memes and memories
“I told the joke, but someone else got the high five. That’s like me drinking a cup of coffee and a guy in a coma waking up. Go back to bed, buddy, your golfing days are over.”
Source: To be good at golf you must go full koala bear
“I have weapons of self-defense. They’re called jokes.”
Source: Eggs, they’re not just for breakfast
“If someone makes you dig your own grave at gunpoint, that’s the perfect time to tell your edgiest duck joke. Because what’s the other guy going to do, kill you? Then he’d have to shovel.”
Source: Music is fluid, and my saxophone overflows when my ducks slosh in the sounds I make in elevators.
“A one-liner is the highest form of poetry. It must be tight, concise, and precise, with exactly the right words in exactly the right places. And maybe the best reply is also the shortest: Quack. When a duck says quack, does it mean something specific, or does it mean nothing? That ambiguity makes it hilarious.”
Source: Music is fluid, and my saxophone overflows when my ducks slosh in the sounds I make in elevators.
“Everything I learned about writing a single word in all-caps for effect I learned from STOP signs. As far as bringing a sense of urgency to a word, all-caps is my red octagonal champion.”
Source: Don't Even Get Me Started On The Beastie Boys
“No matter how expert I become, even on my own duck farm, I want to wear a name tag that says "Trainee." Customers are more patient when they think you are just beginning the learning process. Plus, it's easier to dazzle them when they have zero expectations.”
Source: Music is fluid, and my saxophone overflows when my ducks slosh in the sounds I make in elevators.
“Never let go of a good thing without a fight. Especially if that good thing is a pair of boxing gloves.”
Source: There are Two Typos of People in This World: Those Who Can Edit and Those Who Can't
“The only gift I have to give is the ability to receive. If giving is a gift, and it surely is, then my gift to you is to allow you to give to me.”
Source: There are Two Typos of People in This World: Those Who Can Edit and Those Who Can't
“I'll bet playing classical music to plants would make them grow taller. When my ducks listen to Mozart, they become more cultured and have done things like taken up golf.”
Source: To be good at golf you must go full koala bear
“AI can compose music and play the piano. But that's OK, because I can play Chopsticks like I eat Chinese food.”
Source: Me and memes and memories
“My brain probably looks like leftover meatloaf. People of The Future are going to find it and think, "This guy was a genius! We could probably still reheat this and serve it for dinner.”
Source: A Memoir of Memories and Memes
“He said he had one of the worst pizzas in Chicago, and he wanted me to guess where it was from. I said, "New York?”
Source: A Memoir of Memories and Memes
“You bring the Tupperware full of Leftover Meatloaf, and I’ll bring the heckin’ dang. I’ll also bring an empty container (my stomach).”
Source: Powdered Saxophone Music
“The Red Hot Chili Peppers have a great song about a bridge. And I can relate, because I love spicy food.”
Source: The Lewis and Clark of The Ozarks
“No matter which end of a hotdog you take your first bite from, I’ll tell you you’re eating it backwards. I’m serious, I think you may be dyslexic.”
Source: The Lewis and Clark of The Ozarks
“From farm to table, that’s my goal. Of course, I want to get there cheaply, by cutting out the greedy middleman carrying all my groceries from the trees to my kitchen.”
Source: Eggs, they’re not just for breakfast
“Why are there no saxophone-flavored potato chips? It's like they don't want my car to run on an alternative form of energy.”
Source: Eggs, they’re not just for breakfast
“Whaddya mean you don't farm or garden? You mean you get all your food purely as a consooomer?”
Source: World Farming Championship
“Stop by my duck farm this Friday night for a birdfest event. Live music will be eaten, food will be heard, and there will be FREE refills on FREEDOM—in bald-eagle format.”
Source: Music is fluid, and my saxophone overflows when my ducks slosh in the sounds I make in elevators.
“I want to lose weight by eating nothing but moon pies, which have significantly less gravity than earthier foods such as fruits and vegetables.”
Source: There are Two Typos of People in This World: Those Who Can Edit and Those Who Can't
“There will be no purple-haired feminists during the coming food famine. Soon, all women will find cattle ranchers to be the world's sexiest men.”
Source: I design saxophone music in blocks, like Stonehenge
“Fishing tip #11: To make your fish look fresher, stick those plastic googly eyes on them—even if your fish are still alive and swimming. Fish are natural clowns, they will find your sense of humor endearing, and they will appreciate you more when you eat them.”
Source: 94,000 Wasps in a Trench Coat
“Watches and clocks are round, like the product Brick Oven serves with five-star flavor, because it's always pizza time. But I'm always split over what to order, because I make their wings disappear like I'm Amelia Earhart.”
Source: 94,000 Wasps in a Trench Coat
“Chinese restaurants seem to be able to stuff a square meter of noodles into a tiny to-go box. If you had that same packing power, what would you cram into your pockets, and why would it be 33 ducks?”
Source: Music is fluid, and my saxophone overflows when my ducks slosh in the sounds I make in elevators.
“One time seven geese were walking towards me in a V, with the biggest Killer Duck marching point. They saw me as weak and moved to attack formation. But my Karate Hands were too knife-like to be an easy TV dinner.”
Source: BearPaw Duck And Meme Farm presents: Two Ducks Brawling Is A Pre-Pillow Fight
“Invention idea: Broccoli-flavored bubblegum. You know, for kids who won't eat their vegetables. Plus, it will make a great leftover snack when you're by the lake feeding ducks and you find some stuck underneath the park bench you're sitting on.”
Source: BearPaw Duck And Meme Farm presents: Two Ducks Brawling Is A Pre-Pillow Fight
“Ducks taste like lobster—if you're blind in your tongue. Ask me about my available Braille flavors.”
Source: BearPaw Duck And Meme Farm presents: Two Ducks Brawling Is A Pre-Pillow Fight
“How many minutes of my life have I wasted staring at the microwave waiting for my plate to get hot while my food stays refrigerated? To save time, and add potentially years to my life, I've decided that I do like cold pizza. I learned that from my ducks, as they LOVE cold pizza.”
Source: Music is fluid, and my saxophone overflows when my ducks slosh in the sounds I make in elevators.
“Mold won’t grow on McDonald’s. So, if a lifeform with no brain won’t even eat their food, what’s that say about the intellects of McDonald’s customers? BearPaw Duck And Meme Farm caters to more discerning consumers.”
Source: Duck Quotes For The Ages. Specifically ages 18-81.
“I'd probably love the sound that's made when an air guitarist gets struck by lightning while performing. I'd use that sizzle to flavor my Duck Soup.
Of course, I'm open to seasoning my Duck Soup with other sounds, like Track # 3 from U2's classic 1987 hit album "The Joshua Tree." Though I might have to charge an additional $19.95 for such an exotic flavor.”
Source: BearPaw Duck And Meme Farm presents: Two Ducks Brawling Is A Pre-Pillow Fight
“You don't have to be a prophet or a psychic to see the future. All you have to be is an average observer and notice bare grocery shelves to know food shortages are coming. When you're hungry, you think of your favorite restaurant. But when you're starving, I hope you think of BearPaw Duck And Meme Farm.”
Source: Duck Quotes For The Ages. Specifically ages 18-81.
“John Daly is all the Caddyshack characters in one body. He's a caricature of a person, and that's why I'm a fan.”
Source: Powdered Saxophone Music
“A man with no character flaws is a man who recently died and is being eulogized at his own funeral by someone surprised that he left his entire estate to them. One day that man will be me, and I'll be leaving all my ducks to you.”
Source: Music is fluid, and my saxophone overflows when my ducks slosh in the sounds I make in elevators.
“I have an English degree, which has as much value as The Papiermark in The Weimar Republic in 1923. It's worthless, and why I'm now a duck farmer. Plus, what could I do with English but be a classroom colonialist? If I wanted to teach something racist, I'd be a math professor.”
Source: Ducks are the stars of the karaoke bird world
“I want to write a poem about "Truth," "Honor," "Dignity," and whether the toilet paper should roll over or under when you pull on it.”
Source: There are Two Typos of People in This World: Those Who Can Edit and Those Who Can't
“A cigarette is just rolled up leaves, which makes it a smokable salad burrito. That makes the golfer John Daly a health advocate.”
Source: To be good at golf you must go full koala bear
“The CDC could recommend condomless sex with camels, and some people would go out and fuck desert horses. Try not to get sand in your vagina.”
Source: Powdered Saxophone Music
“Is Cash king? Johnny is, but The Dollar definitely is not.”
Source: Me and memes and memories
“Blackmail is the ideal business, because the target is incentivized to keep your flow of money a secret. And it’s almost a victimless crime, because it’s not like the human cash machine is innocent, and their guilt and refusal to publicly admit their atrocity is what makes it OK.”
Source: Me and memes and memories
“Money is a chameleon. It can transform itself into any representation. Sometimes money looks like a pile of cheeseburgers, and other times it looks like a used car, but in both cases it's still money presented as an equal of something not like itself at all.”
Source: Me and memes and memories
“The key to getting a discount is timing. Always negotiate on price before you pay.”
Source: Me and memes and memories
“I love Johnny Cash and Eddie Money. But for the purest sound, listen to Richie Goldandsilver.”
Source: Me and memes and memories
“Inflation hurts us all. Today I'm seeing inflation at the grocery store, the leisure sector, and even on my golf scorecard. Yes, The Central Bank is to blame for my horrendous game.”
Source: To be good at golf you must go full koala bear
“Money laundering is dirty business. Next time, try duck farming.”
Source: A Memoir of Memories and Memes
“Glenda told me that somebody just bought Andy Williams’ theater in Branson. Don’t look at me. This morning, I financed my coffee at the café over four monthly payments of 99 cents.”
Source: A Memoir of Memories and Memes
“Pickleball IS life. In fact, the game should replace fiat currency as a facilitator of trade. If you want to sell something tangible like a duck, why price it in dollars? Just haggle over units of pickleball play equal in value to a swimming bird.”
Source: Powdered Saxophone Music
“I only VOTE with my wallet. I have no money, so you should probably try to buy my support.”
Source: Eggs, they’re not just for breakfast
“Why does Joe Normie think it’s a litmus test for morality if one returns one’s shopping cart? Big-box stores put out of business local retailers, they automated their systems to reduce employees, and they got customers to be their own cashiers without getting paid for their labor, and yet to prove I’m a good person, I’m supposed to do more unpaid work for them to streamline their operation?”
Source: Eggs, they’re not just for breakfast
“Here’s what I’d love to see: A vending machine that dispenses cats for petting on your lunch break. Instead of money, the machine accepts hugs.”
Source: There are Two Typos of People in This World: Those Who Can Edit and Those Who Can't