“Life isn't about winning or losing. Between those two extremes there is a middle ground, and that middle ground is where I let my ducks roam and graze on and lay their eggs—which are now ON SALE at Trophies For All prices.”
Source: Music is fluid, and my saxophone overflows when my ducks slosh in the sounds I make in elevators.
“Idea: A Napster for borrowed nostalgia. It's a place you go to where you can download others' memories.”
Source: A Memoir of Memories and Memes
“Nostalgia is where the past blurs into the present. That’s where all the best scents are to be found.”
Source: There are Two Typos of People in This World: Those Who Can Edit and Those Who Can't
“History is now being documented in the moment through memes, and they shape our memories. I make them as if to say, "I was here, and I mocked this time and place.”
Source: 94,000 Wasps in a Trench Coat
“Calmness through osmosis. It can be achieved by petting a cat, and your body absorbs the purring and integrates that healing frequency.”
Source: There are Two Typos of People in This World: Those Who Can Edit and Those Who Can't
“Society has reached such extreme heights of absurdity, and massive depths of depravity, that I can no longer accurately distinguish between truth and satire. That line is as blurry as Bigfoot.”
Source: A Memoir of Memories and Memes
“In high school, I was on the carpentry team, but I got benched. It was awkward sitting on it while my teammates built it.”
Source: The Lewis and Clark of The Ozarks
“To your party I'll bring my World-Famous Leftover Duck Meatloaf. It's from 1999, and the only reason I have it in my possession is because my old high-school math teacher called me up to come remove it from my old locker, because it was making his class smell like Savage Garden.”
Source: Music is fluid, and my saxophone overflows when my ducks slosh in the sounds I make in elevators.
“Earth, water, and sky—ducks are birds of those three elements. And their passion for play embodies the fourth—fire.”
Source: A Memoir of Memories and Memes
“Ducks can both swim and fly, and that made me realize that the ocean and the sky are one continuous body of water. That is one body I’d like to see in a bikini.”
Source: Music is fluid, and my saxophone overflows when my ducks slosh in the sounds I make in elevators.
“A Pekin duckling in a bowl of water is like a small furry sun sponging up spring. As far as I know, that's the best way to measure time.”
Source: BearPaw Duck And Meme Farm presents: Two Ducks Brawling Is A Pre-Pillow Fight
“Psychological trigger codes used to be hidden words embedded in images. But what if the words are now invisible and inaudible and pulsed at you at a frequency that's easily absorbed by your penis?”
Source: Powdered Saxophone Music
“She thought she knew it all, and I knew better than to argue with a person with a brain that’s at maximum capacity. Just because it’s full, doesn’t mean it contains a large volume of value.”
Source: There are Two Typos of People in This World: Those Who Can Edit and Those Who Can't
“Summers in England are brutally hot. They are so scorching they are like winters in Florida.”
Source: Me and memes and memories
“All the in-the-moment jokes you've told, where have they gone? Quipped in the language of the invisible, spoken word, they are now as easy to find as last summer's breeze.”
Source: Powdered Saxophone Music
“First the AI came for the lawyers’ jobs, and I did nothing, because it was funny. Then the AI came for the journalists’ jobs, and I again was passive, because it was hilarious. Finally, the AI came for Human Resources’ jobs, and I actually did something—I laughed heartily.”
Source: Eggs, they’re not just for breakfast
“We shared some laughs, her and I. I was content to go on sharing, but she took her whole Box of Laughter and went home, leaving me alone with my memes.”
Source: There are Two Typos of People in This World: Those Who Can Edit and Those Who Can't
“I’m a book lover. I’ve probably already fucked a whole library.”
Source: There are Two Typos of People in This World: Those Who Can Edit and Those Who Can't
“Your cooking reminds me of a Special Olympics race. Reminds me of the time I came in third place. I should have worn a condom.”
Source: There are Two Typos of People in This World: Those Who Can Edit and Those Who Can't
“When I told people I’d reinvent the orgasm, people moaned in disbelief. Well, nobody’s moaning now.”
Source: There are Two Typos of People in This World: Those Who Can Edit and Those Who Can't
“Golf is the only sport where you can't tell how good a player might be by glancing at their physical form. I've seen some real slobs shoot scores so low the number is almost their age.”
Source: To be good at golf you must go full koala bear
“Instead of 200, what if man's pre-flood IQ was a thousand? Everyone was smarter, bigger, and lived longer. But what if animals had IQs of a hundred? Maybe interspecies communication was the norm, unlike now where only weirdos like me talk to cats, dogs, and ducks.”
Source: Powdered Saxophone Music
“I've heard it said a man fully matures at age 43. I'm 41 and a half now, so I guess I have 18 months to fuck around and find out.”
Source: Powdered Saxophone Music
“All my failures as a human being I blame on my father. Life is about accepting responsibility, and it’s time my father started being held accountable for my deficiencies.”
Source: The Lewis and Clark of The Ozarks
“At BearPaw Duck And Meme Farm, our customer service representatives work 24/7 to make sure you are satisfied. If nobody answers your call within five rings, like The Olympics logo, call back in four years.”
Source: BearPaw Duck And Meme Farm presents: Two Ducks Brawling Is A Pre-Pillow Fight
“Most ducks have legs like orange spatulas. Those must be lazy swimmers. Mine have thighs like Michael Phelps in the summer of 2008.”
Source: Ducks are the stars of the karaoke bird world
“A pool table is a dining room table, if you wait fifteen minutes after eating to go swimming on it. That's what I tell my ducklings, whom I'm coaching to qualify for The Olympics.”
Source: BearPaw Duck And Meme Farm presents: Two Ducks Brawling Is A Pre-Pillow Fight
“When people think about farmers, they think about people who grow things. Well, I'm a duck farmer, and what I grow is impatient waiting for some committee to recognize duck farming as an Olympic sport.”
Source: Music is fluid, and my saxophone overflows when my ducks slosh in the sounds I make in elevators.
“When you first see a Pekin duck waddling across the grass, wobbly and lopsided, you might think it's the most unathletic animal in the world. But if you then watch it swim, you'd realize if there were a Bird Olympics, it wouldn't take gold, but it isn't Eric Moussambani, either.”
Source: Music is fluid, and my saxophone overflows when my ducks slosh in the sounds I make in elevators.
“When swimming 50 yards, I mowed one of them, and that’s why I never finished the race. If I'd have kept going, I probably could have made The Olympics, but now all I've got to show for my time in the water is 25 ducklings.”
Source: BearPaw Duck And Meme Farm presents: Two Ducks Brawling Is A Pre-Pillow Fight
“If creatively traveling up an escalator on your back were an Olympic sport, every gold medalist would be geriatric. There should be a soap fragrance for muddy ducks that captures that athletic dominance.”
Source: Music is fluid, and my saxophone overflows when my ducks slosh in the sounds I make in elevators.
“When you get arrested, remember that you get one phone call. Next time, use it to order a Chinese food delivery.”
Source: Whenever you're here, I'm there for you
“I like the circus, because they make a business out of being a clown show. But I hate The Chamber of Commerce, because they make a clown show out of business. In between those two extremes is my duck farm.”
Source: Music is fluid, and my saxophone overflows when my ducks slosh in the sounds I make in elevators.
“Of all the circus animals, from bears to lions to elephants to politicians, very few ride a unicycle. I'd love to see a Pekin duck spinning around for the crowd. Now THAT is something that would make me want to VOTE.”
Source: Ducks are the stars of the karaoke bird world
“Fishing Lessons are now ON SALE. I’ll meet you on the dock, just as soon as you finish building it. Nails are now half-priced. Oh, and Flying Lessons are now 50% OFF, but if you can teach my ducks how to AirSwim, I'll pay you 51%.”
Source: BearPaw Duck And Meme Farm presents: Two Ducks Brawling Is A Pre-Pillow Fight
“You need skills to be good at homesteading. You need farming, carpentry, and above all, you need to be able to impersonate Elvis. When society collapses, that’s probably what will save your life.”
Source: A Memoir of Memories and Memes
“When I go to art museums, I push a bag of midget carrots in a baby stroller, and it feels like the stuff on the wall is watching me. As a fatheresque person of curiosity, I feel misunderstood, but at least The Ducks know me.”
Source: Music is fluid, and my saxophone overflows when my ducks slosh in the sounds I make in elevators.
“I often can't remember where I'm at. I'm like that all the time. Not so much forgetful, but more futureful. For me, today is always tomorrow. To all the people who live in the moment I say: Stop living in the past.”
Source: 94,000 Wasps in a Trench Coat
“If being forgetful is a sign of high intelligence, then people with Alzheimer's are like Isaac Whatshisname. You know, that one guy who did that one thing. Or was it two things?”
Source: 94,000 Wasps in a Trench Coat
“Before a forest fire enters a house, it never asks itself, “Is the front door locked? Should I first knock?” And because it’s so rude, that’s why I never invite it to my duck farm for barbecues.”
Source: Music is fluid, and my saxophone overflows when my ducks slosh in the sounds I make in elevators.
“My armpits sweat like BBQ water. It’s fire-roasted to quench even the thirstiest runner.”
Source: Me and memes and memories
“There’s anger in danger, and danger in anger. Of all the letters to be, be OK. But don't be mediocre, because even ducks strive to be dominant.”
Source: Music is fluid, and my saxophone overflows when my ducks slosh in the sounds I make in elevators.
“Ride a horse that’s riding a bicycle. That would make you The Lance Armstrong of cowboys.”
Source: Whenever you're here, I'm there for you
“I once saw two ducks brawling, and I thought, "Hey, it's a pre-pillow fight." It was so violent that it made me want to capture their energy and take a nap.”
Source: BearPaw Duck And Meme Farm presents: Two Ducks Brawling Is A Pre-Pillow Fight
“I pour my morning coffee like ducks splash in a pond. Is an extended blink a micro nap? That's the thought that crosses my mind when I drive like Helen Keller.”
Source: One Out of Ten Dentists Agree: This Book Helps Fight Gingivitis. Maybe Tomorrow I’ll Ask Nine More Dentists.: A BearPaw Duck And Meme Farm Production
“Cats splash in sunlight like ducks in water. Both animals find your conversation so stimulating they could just nap.”
Source: A Memoir of Memories and Memes
“Wooden scrabble letters offer a whole forest of literature, tiled down for easy shower installment. If you limit your use to only the letters q, u, a, c, and k, your ducks will love what you've done with your bathroom.”
Source: Music is fluid, and my saxophone overflows when my ducks slosh in the sounds I make in elevators.
“I'm a duck farmer. Am I the world's best duck farmer? Probably not, but there's no official ranking, and I'm a modest guy, so I claim the number two spot.”
Source: Powdered Saxophone Music
“My ducks give me eggs, and I took two of those eggs and nurtured them under a dome to produce two ducklings. In a way, I am their mother, and I think Hallmark should make a special card to honor me.”
Source: Powdered Saxophone Music
“How is a balding young woman with thinning hair supposed to make money in this economy? She should sell feet pics.”
Source: Whenever you're here, I'm there for you