“Citizen Journalists are champions of The People. Harrison Tribune is a gladiator in news format.”
Source: A Memoir of Memories and Memes
“Did you know you can rent bulls? Unfortunately, you rent them to impregnate your cows, and NOT as a party attraction for drunk guests to ride.”
Source: Me and memes and memories
“Ducks know more about ducks than any college professor knows about ducks. Let that be a lesson in student-loan debt.”
Source: I design saxophone music in blocks, like Stonehenge
“I watched the cheese melt in the microwave—along with the surrounding plastic. I forgot to take it out of its package before use, just like my golf game.”
Source: To be good at golf you must go full koala bear
“Write historical records in chalk on sidewalks. That way they are preserved for people in the future to read.”
Source: Whenever you're here, I'm there for you
“Sometimes the best pizza is sushi. That’s where I go to get my haircut. Discounts available for fish with fur.”
Source: There are Two Typos of People in This World: Those Who Can Edit and Those Who Can't
“Sometimes the best pizza is sushi. That’s where I go to get my haircut. Discounts available for fish with fur. (Ducks are birds that swim, and are therefore not pizza.)”
Source: Music is fluid, and my saxophone overflows when my ducks slosh in the sounds I make in elevators.
“Give a man a pair of scissors, and he can cut his son’s hair. But teach his son how to play baseball, and his son can then cut his own hair.”
Source: Whenever you're here, I'm there for you
“Ears are Sound Elevators to the heart. Invisible communication is transmitted through the air and directly influences feelings.”
Source: Whenever you're here, I'm there for you
“In The Ozarks, where there isn't rock, there is clay. That makes those who use backhoes and dozers to shape the land sculptors.”
Source: Powdered Saxophone Music
“Gasoline-scented soap is a great idea that’s a terrible idea. Plus, if I made soap that smelled like petroleum, The US Military would invade my shower and kill me.”
Source: There are Two Typos of People in This World: Those Who Can Edit and Those Who Can't
“Everyone loves the smell of gasoline, but do you think it would make a good scent in a soap?
Gasoline-scented soap is a great idea that’s a terrible idea. Plus, if I made soap that smelled like petroleum, The US Military would invade my shower and kill me.”
Source: 94,000 Wasps in a Trench Coat
“If there are three empty urinals in a public restroom, I'll take the middle one to pee. That forces the next guy to piss to stand next to me, and then I can initiate conversation.”
Source: Whenever you're here, I'm there for you
“Walk around with an open can of tuna in your pocket. You know, for a way to start conversations and offer strangers some finger food while you are both peeing in neighboring urinals.”
Source: Whenever you're here, I'm there for you
“Do you know why a Moscow Mule is served in a copper mug? Because copper is a conduit for electrical power, and that makes it the ultimate energy drink.”
Source: Whenever you're here, I'm there for you
“Don't miss work and never be late. Your boss will appreciate it, and he will reward you by shaking your hand in gratitude after he lays you off.”
Source: Powdered Saxophone Music
“The grocery store checkout woman was pretty, but I’m sure all the guys tell her that. So, to flatter her differently, I told her she looks AI-generated.”
Source: Whenever you're here, I'm there for you
“I would give you my grandma’s slow-knitted Duck Soup dance-routine recipe, but my grandpa sold it to Roger Bannister for three minutes and 59 seconds. I think he could have gotten 3:58 for it, if he’d have just gone the extra mile.”
Source: BearPaw Duck And Meme Farm presents: Two Ducks Brawling Is A Pre-Pillow Fight
“I just pooped out a duck pond. The guy in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom was probably thinking, "What's with all the quacking?”
Source: Duck Quotes For The Ages. Specifically ages 18-81.
“I have great taste in music. You know this because all of my favorite songs play overhead in the men's restroom at Walmart.”
Source: Whenever you're here, I'm there for you
“I love when I shake a mustard bottle really well and go to squirt a line on my hotdog and out spurts a yellow watery substance. They should sell that as an energy drink.”
Source: A Memoir of Memories and Memes
“The Kansas City Chiefs’ colors are ketchup red and mustard yellow. They are The McDonald’s of The NFL.”
Source: Whenever you're here, I'm there for you
“I’ll sell you a dead fly. Why you should buy: The soup it drowned in I give to you for FREE.”
Source: Whenever you're here, I'm there for you
“Ducks make the best soup. Campbell’s used to, but Joseph A. Campbell died on March 27th, 1900, and the FoodDrink that comes in their cans now tastes like a cemetery.”
Source: Duck Quotes For The Ages. Specifically ages 18-81.
“When we were kids, getting your mouth washed out with soap was punishment. But today, I’m selling duck-soup-flavored soap that your own kids will beg to have for dinner, which you’ll eat under a waterfall for maximum bubbles.”
Source: Music is fluid, and my saxophone overflows when my ducks slosh in the sounds I make in elevators.
“Have you ever tried Zap Soup? There's just three ingredients: You, a pool, and lightning.”
Source: Powdered Saxophone Music
“I nailed my ice skates to a wooden floor. That’s how I learned to play hockey like a duck swims in soup.”
Source: A Memoir of Memories and Memes
“I once saw a waterfall walk up a flight of stairs, when it could have easily taken the escalator. That's what I would have done, if I were composed of 40% more H2O.”
Source: The Lewis and Clark of The Ozarks
“The desert is nothing without water. Actually, it's everything without water, because if it had water it would cease to be a desert. Powdered Duck Eggs are the same way. Just add water! Or don't! How you consume them is up to you.”
Source: BearPaw Duck And Meme Farm presents: Two Ducks Brawling Is A Pre-Pillow Fight
“She said they don't erect statues to honor losing generals, and I nodded solemnly and replied, "Erect statues make better lovers." Then I told her I am having a SALE on duck eggs.”
Source: BearPaw Duck And Meme Farm presents: Two Ducks Brawling Is A Pre-Pillow Fight
“Being a college or pro football fan is in the same intellectual category of Funko Pop collecting. It's using a mass-crafted product to self-identify yourself because without people associating you with a certain team you have nothing to do with, you have no personality.”
Source: Powdered Saxophone Music
“VOTERS are the ultimate Consoomers. The product they fanboy over is either Team Red or Team Blue, and their whole self-identify revolves around the ritual of deluding themselves into believing they had any control over the selection of the actor pretending to be their leader.”
Source: Powdered Saxophone Music
“Sometimes my kitchen sink doubles as a duck pond. Problem is, I can't exactly move my diving board, so I have to relocate Greg Louganis Hour to another slot, like one on the toaster.”
Source: Music is fluid, and my saxophone overflows when my ducks slosh in the sounds I make in elevators.
“I get naming your sports team gators, but ducks? Ducks are toothless, and they fight like pillows—all feathers and no punch—so what’s the point of them as your mascot, trying to make your opponent go to sleep on you?”
Source: BearPaw Duck And Meme Farm presents: Two Ducks Brawling Is A Pre-Pillow Fight
“She told me she was in pain, because she just had her ankle replaced. I said, “With what, a wheel?” Then I told her that hot duck soup is best served frozen, and that I've always wanted to ride a unicycle.”
Source: BearPaw Duck And Meme Farm presents: Two Ducks Brawling Is A Pre-Pillow Fight
“I'm a lot like a pillow salesman. I say that because I deal in ducks. So, I just push the product early and while they're still quacking.”
Source: BearPaw Duck And Meme Farm presents: Two Ducks Brawling Is A Pre-Pillow Fight
“Most salesmen are no-nonsense guys. But I’m not like them. I’m the #1 nonsense salesman in all of Camelot.”
Source: A Memoir of Memories and Memes
“I just called a How's My Driving phone number. Why did someone in Branson, Missouri pick up and try to sell me a timeshare condo?”
Source: A Memoir of Memories and Memes
“I once visited a library that had no books. Instead, the room was filled with urinals and sinks, so I drank my coffee and chatted with fellow intellectuals and felt grateful to be using my college education.”
Source: Me and memes and memories
“I self-tested myself, and my IQ is 33. That means I’m entitled to special treatment, I can get away with saying things that a normal person couldn’t, and I’m allowed to have public outbursts and tantrums and people have to tolerate it and even compliment me to calm me down.”
Source: A Memoir of Memories and Memes
“There are three bowls: One contains Should, one contains Would, and one contains Could. All three bowls are empty.”
Source: Me and memes and memories
“I love boobies. What’s your favorite bird, pervert? Mine is the duck, because although I love boobies, everyone always stares at them as though they’ve never seen them before.”
Source: Ducks are the stars of the karaoke bird world
“Penguins are Antarctica's Pekin duck, and Admiral Byrd just sent me a telegram telling me he wants me to come down there and teach him how to ice fish. The trick is not gluing the bananas to your wetsuit, and keeping the volume of The Golden Girls set at 33.”
Source: Music is fluid, and my saxophone overflows when my ducks slosh in the sounds I make in elevators.
“She said her heavy luggage had wheels, so I said, “Here, why don’t I carry that for you?” I was in stupid love.”
Source: There are Two Typos of People in This World: Those Who Can Edit and Those Who Can't
“When Johnny Depp said he found poop all over his bed, I got embarrassed, thinking my ducks had broken into his house and used his sheets like a garden. But boy was I relieved when he placed the blame on Amber Heard, where it properly belongs.”
Source: Ducks are the stars of the karaoke bird world
“Don’t you just hate it when you step in dog poop? Especially if you’re walking with a friend, and as you smell it and the stench keeps pace with you, you begin to wonder if your friend shit his pants. Thankfully, what comes out of a duck’s anus looks more like coffee, and fills your nostrils like yesterday’s news.”
Source: One Out of Ten Dentists Agree: This Book Helps Fight Gingivitis. Maybe Tomorrow I’ll Ask Nine More Dentists.: A BearPaw Duck And Meme Farm Production
“Starbucks coffee tastes like watery duck poop. I mean it probably does, because it’s not like I’ve ever drank something so gross. But I have tried duck poop.”
Source: One Out of Ten Dentists Agree: This Book Helps Fight Gingivitis. Maybe Tomorrow I’ll Ask Nine More Dentists.: A BearPaw Duck And Meme Farm Production
“I've never had a spicy chicken sandwich worth getting stabbed over. But that's the kind of organic marketing experience I'd like to bring to duck farming.”
Source: One Out of Ten Dentists Agree: This Book Helps Fight Gingivitis. Maybe Tomorrow I’ll Ask Nine More Dentists.: A BearPaw Duck And Meme Farm Production
“Poe is to poetry what I am to duck farming. You can quote me on that. And if that’s not good enough, you can go quote a raven.”
Source: Ducks are the stars of the karaoke bird world
“Why did I start duck farming? Because these are the days of decay, after the days of decadence. The first is a result of the second.”
Source: Music is fluid, and my saxophone overflows when my ducks slosh in the sounds I make in elevators.