“In pickleball, you're supposed to stay out of the kitchen. I guess it's not a sport for women.”
Source: Eggs, they’re not just for breakfast
“History is full of great men who were too humble to allow themselves to be called great men. So instead, they pretended to be women.”
Source: Eggs, they’re not just for breakfast
“I think I have a lot going for me as far as dating. I have a high IQ, I'm 6'3", and on May 23rd I'll be Forklift Certified. That's right, I'll soon be qualified to transport stacked pallets, and I know that's the first thing women look for in a potential partner.”
Source: Eggs, they’re not just for breakfast
“Women judge you by how much money you make and how prestigious your job title. That's why when women ask me what I do for a living, I tell them I'm a platinum salesman, and I source catalytic converters for discrete buyers.”
Source: I design saxophone music in blocks, like Stonehenge
“I once worked in a glass shop. We manufactured ceilings to keep women out of upper management.”
Source: 94,000 Wasps in a Trench Coat
“I got a new golf bag. I keep it full of sad harmonica tunes that I hand out like Halloween candy to all the rainy-eyed players.”
Source: To be good at golf you must go full koala bear
“Having a good life doesn’t mean nothing bad happens. It means using sadness and setback as mechanisms for spiritual growth. That’s the highest form of farming.”
Source: A Memoir of Memories and Memes
“How much saxophone does it take to play the blues? I’m asking because I’m trying to fill up my pool using only blues, due to the fact that my ducks will only swim in sad jazz.”
Source: BearPaw Duck And Meme Farm presents: Two Ducks Brawling Is A Pre-Pillow Fight
“People always reveal who they really are. It may take the removal of 33 masks to get there, but they always show themselves. That's why I prefer hanging out with ducks.”
Source: Powdered Saxophone Music
“My ballsack contains Future People. I’m holding a Meet ‘N’ Greet this Saturday in Branson.”
Source: Eggs, they’re not just for breakfast
“I hate fake people. You know what I’m talking about. Mannequins.”
Source: There are Two Typos of People in This World: Those Who Can Edit and Those Who Can't
“People are all the same. We all think we are unique. That's what I like about ducks. They don't think about themselves. They think about things like: How can we save humans from killing themselves? Of course, they have the solution, but they just refuse to share it with us.”
Source: Music is fluid, and my saxophone overflows when my ducks slosh in the sounds I make in elevators.
“The best way to protect your ducks from predators like bobcats, foxes, and coyotes is to post up No Trespassing signs. Animals respect property rights, and would rather starve than violate man's law.”
Source: BearPaw Duck And Meme Farm presents: Two Ducks Brawling Is A Pre-Pillow Fight
“Repetition leads to reputation. Reputation leads to respect. Respect leads to responsibility. So if you continually work hard, you’ll have the opportunity to continue to work hard.”
Source: There are Two Typos of People in This World: Those Who Can Edit and Those Who Can't
“Rob Thomas has two first names for a first and last name, and his name spells out a short sentence: Rob Thomas. Rob Thomas of what, his doubt? That Biblical ambiguity is what inspired me to name three of my ducks after him: Rob, Thomas, and Rob Thomas.”
Source: Music is fluid, and my saxophone overflows when my ducks slosh in the sounds I make in elevators.
“Most employees are like interchangeable machine parts. When they show up to work, there is no trace of the person they replaced, and then they leave, they make no lasting impression and it's as if they were never there.”
Source: A Memoir of Memories and Memes
“No matter how long I've been at my job, or how experienced I am, I tell customers I'm new. People are much more patient when I tell them I just started.”
Source: A Memoir of Memories and Memes
“Having a job is tricky. You don't want to be so productive that you make your coworkers appear like slackers, and you don't want to do so little that your coworkers have to make up for your lack of effort.”
Source: A Memoir of Memories and Memes
“I used to work at a pizza place. Instead of giving me a raise, my boss threw me a pizza party. He made me make all the food.”
Source: Powdered Saxophone Music
“AI doesn't take any breaks. Plus, AI won't file sexual harassment charges when your boss flirts with it.”
Source: Powdered Saxophone Music
“Who put hard work on the shelf next to jobs? That’s what ruined this country.”
Source: Powdered Saxophone Music
“I just stuffed my briefcase full of necessary items, and now I'm off to work. It's heavy to carry because it contains 333 dank memes and one baloney sandwich.”
Source: Powdered Saxophone Music
“You can't do enough tomorrow to make up for not doing anything today. That's why it's best to have started yesterday.”
Source: I design saxophone music in blocks, like Stonehenge
“I drive by a business that has a permanent sign that says, "Always hiring." Why in the world would they advertise the fact that they have continual turnover? They might as well say, "You'll hate working here.”
Source: I design saxophone music in blocks, like Stonehenge
“Women always ask me what I do for a living. The answer should be obvious: As little as possible.”
Source: I design saxophone music in blocks, like Stonehenge
“You don't need a vacation. You just need to dig a pond on your land and buy some ducks, and then you can enjoy moments of escapism without ever leaving your property.”
Source: Music is fluid, and my saxophone overflows when my ducks slosh in the sounds I make in elevators.
“Never criticize someone's quality of work on a job you wouldn't want to get asked to improve upon. If you don't know what I mean, just watch me shovel duck poop out of their pen and see how quickly you stay quiet.”
Source: Music is fluid, and my saxophone overflows when my ducks slosh in the sounds I make in elevators.
“When I put off a task until the last minute, I'm not procrastinating—I'm exercising great patience. I learned that from my ducks, who do nothing all day, but still manage to accomplish everything they are supposed to do.”
Source: Ducks are the stars of the karaoke bird world
“I want to work in a store that sells axes and saxophones, and that’s all. I want to be the guy who repairs used birds—particularly ducks.”
Source: Ducks are the stars of the karaoke bird world
“You can't talk to someone who won't listen. But you can listen to someone who won't talk. It's called body language, and everybody speaks it—even when they're silent.”
Source: A Memoir of Memories and Memes
“Those with nothing to say said nothing when The Censorship began, and later, when they had something to say, it was too late, because they could say nothing.”
Source: There are Two Typos of People in This World: Those Who Can Edit and Those Who Can't
“She said everything when she said nothing, and I replied by not replying. That's as much communication as you can have with no dialogue.”
Source: There are Two Typos of People in This World: Those Who Can Edit and Those Who Can't
“The harmonica has musical wind, and is the breath of soul. It’s like a sad, lonely I love you lost in the breeze.”
Source: There are Two Typos of People in This World: Those Who Can Edit and Those Who Can't
“To Do Today:
1. Sit and think
2. Reach enlightenment
3. Feed the cats”
Source: There are Two Typos of People in This World: Those Who Can Edit and Those Who Can't
“Ducks are born to swim. Fears are born to drown. Sometimes, you just need to help them remember.”
Source: Powdered Saxophone Music
“I golf like a Jackson Pollock painting, but that's balanced out by the fact that I paint like Jack Nicklaus golfs. My record is finishing in 63 strokes.”
Source: To be good at golf you must go full koala bear
“When I golf, I use just enough strokes to create a masterpiece, like I'm a painter. The score I post up would look great on a museum wall.”
Source: To be good at golf you must go full koala bear
“I golf like a Jackson Pollock painting. I splatter my shots all over the place—and then I act like I just produced a masterpiece.”
Source: To be good at golf you must go full koala bear
“Your thoughts shape who you are. That makes you your own sculptor and sculpture.”
Source: A Memoir of Memories and Memes
“Compact trash into a cube. Then slice it into thin layers and BOOM—you’ve got pieces of modern art. Each sliver belongs in a museum, doing what it’s designed to do—launder money.”
Source: Powdered Saxophone Music
“When I'm on a backhoe, I'm shaping clay. I am a sculptor. I am a farm artist.”
Source: Powdered Saxophone Music
“Camouflaged letters would help improve communication, and I explain the reason why in this invisible text:”
Source: There are Two Typos of People in This World: Those Who Can Edit and Those Who Can't
“Daisies are the Pekin ducks of flowers. They radiate joy like they are tiny shining suns.”
Source: Powdered Saxophone Music
“Some of the best gifts are ones the recipient doesn’t even know you’ve given, so they don’t ever feel beholden, and they never know how valuable it was or how much it helped them, which means they never feel obligated to repay you. I do that for my ducks all the time.”
Source: Music is fluid, and my saxophone overflows when my ducks slosh in the sounds I make in elevators.
“If I saw you hitchhiking, I’d smile and return your thumb’s up, just for you doing such a great job of being a positive roadside influence.”
Source: There are Two Typos of People in This World: Those Who Can Edit and Those Who Can't
“My golf swing is like a James Cagney smile. It curves with sincerity, but it's also slightly sinister.”
Source: To be good at golf you must go full koala bear
“A smile keeps the face round. It makes a perfect gradient in time that transforms the rigid into the pleasing.”
Source: A Memoir of Memories and Memes
“Seth Rogen is a funny guy. In fact, he can't even speak a whole sentence without laughing. Even funnier still is the person listening is not even giggling, chuckling, or breaking a smile.”
Source: Eggs, they’re not just for breakfast
“Sometimes I fish, and sometimes my vending machine is broken so I can’t. Thanks for all your Butterfly Smiles. I have them FOR SALE as Powdered Rose Substitute, for people who don't like the taste of their morning protein shakes.”
Source: There are Two Typos of People in This World: Those Who Can Edit and Those Who Can't
“The curve of her smile, the curve of the small of her back, the curve of her laugh, everything about her makes me want to be more well-rounded.”
Source: There are Two Typos of People in This World: Those Who Can Edit and Those Who Can't