“Hidden Valley is a golf course in Springfield. Hidden Valley is also the name of a brand of ranch dressing, and that’s more suited to my game.”
Source: To be good at golf you must go full koala bear
“With tweets and memes, things are exponentially funnier than they used to be 20 years ago. Back then, people went around endlessly quoting the same 20 movies, and acting like each time was hilarious, as we gave and received obligatory chuckles.”
Source: Me and memes and memories
“He said, “Don’t peek,” but all I heard was “Don’t peak.” I agree. Keep on getting better.”
Source: Whenever you're here, I'm there for you
“Instead of sidewalks, why not sideruns? After all, the pace of life is faster than it has ever been, so I think our infrastructure’s nomenclature should reflect that.”
Source: There are Two Typos of People in This World: Those Who Can Edit and Those Who Can't
“I'm a Citizen Journalist, but I'm not a muckraker all the time. In the fall I rake leaves.”
Source: A Memoir of Memories and Memes
“Why is it called a flight of stairs? It should be called The Pekin Duck of stairs, because it's the kind of flying that's composed entirely of walking.”
Source: Music is fluid, and my saxophone overflows when my ducks slosh in the sounds I make in elevators.
“I'm now selling a liquid escalator in a bottle for your showering pleasure. It's an uplifting fragrance. (Bubbled duck quacks sold separately.)”
Source: Music is fluid, and my saxophone overflows when my ducks slosh in the sounds I make in elevators.
“I walked through the desert. I took the escalator. That journey helped me develop my dry sense of humor.”
Source: Me and memes and memories
“Stairs, are they going down or are they going up? Ughh they are so confusing, and that's why I prefer escalators, which are ambitiously unambiguous.”
Source: Whenever you're here, I'm there for you
“She called herself a nighshifter, and it took me a second to realize that she meant she works the night shift, and not that she shifts between being a human being and moonlit blackness. I was kind of hoping to watch her morph for me.”
Source: There are Two Typos of People in This World: Those Who Can Edit and Those Who Can't
“Flavors of Louisiana is the 1996 of restaurants. I ate tasty Gator like the time The University of Nebraska's football team beat The University of Florida 52-20 to win The National Championship.”
Source: Whenever you're here, I'm there for you
“Cats make cuddly pets, but you can’t take them for walks. That’s why I love my pet waterfall, which also makes the splashiest snuggles. However, neither cats nor waterfalls lay eggs, which makes ducks the superior jazz musicians.”
Source: Music is fluid, and my saxophone overflows when my ducks slosh in the sounds I make in elevators.
“In a warmaxxing world of drone swarms and directed energy weapons, an aircraft carrier is a sitting duck. It's not the kind of thing I'd want in my pond with my Pekins.”
Source: Whenever you're here, I'm there for you
“People watch my unique style of play, and they want to know my top three golf influences. That's easy. John Daly, practicing daily, and an orange and white cat surrounded by yellow ducklings.”
Source: To be good at golf you must go full koala bear
“A dandelion is the golf-ball-on-a-tee of the flower world. That makes me The John Daly of gardeners.”
Source: Whenever you're here, I'm there for you
“How do you tell the difference between Coors Light and piss? I don't know, but I'll bet Bear Grylls prefers the taste of the latter.”
Source: Whenever you're here, I'm there for you
“Some people talk nonstop, but say nothing. Ducks speak only one word, quack, and communicate everything.”
Source: Ducks are the stars of the karaoke bird world
“Maybe we communicate with ducks not through words, but with body language. Maybe the word quack doesn’t mean everything—or even anything. Maybe all that matters is what our body says when we converse with a duck.”
Source: Music is fluid, and my saxophone overflows when my ducks slosh in the sounds I make in elevators.
“My blender is powered by saxophone music. I make smoothies that taste like ducks quacking.”
Source: Me and memes and memories
“People have been stabbed over spicy chicken sandwiches. The duck farm industry could benefit from that kind of violence to help increase sales.”
Source: One Out of Ten Dentists Agree: This Book Helps Fight Gingivitis. Maybe Tomorrow I’ll Ask Nine More Dentists.: A BearPaw Duck And Meme Farm Production
“Who would you rather buy your Duck Soup from, me or some other guy? OK fine, but what if that other guy is SOLD OUT? Then what? What do you mean you'll just go to Popeyes for a Spicy Chicken Sandwich?!”
Source: BearPaw Duck And Meme Farm presents: Two Ducks Brawling Is A Pre-Pillow Fight
“The Popeyes Spicy Chicken Sandwich was so popular that customers stabbed each other to get it, and then seeing that passion, McDonald's created its own Spicy Chicken Sandwich. Here on my duck farm, I fully support McDonald's trying to get their customers to stab each other.”
Source: Music is fluid, and my saxophone overflows when my ducks slosh in the sounds I make in elevators.
“Why aren’t more news articles written about duck farms? Is it because the end product doesn’t produce obscene violence? It’s true, people do stab each other over spicy chicken sandwiches, but think of the savagery over my eggs that’ll take place when all that’s left in the grocery store is Beyond Meat.”
Source: One Out of Ten Dentists Agree: This Book Helps Fight Gingivitis. Maybe Tomorrow I’ll Ask Nine More Dentists.: A BearPaw Duck And Meme Farm Production
“I once got stabbed, and all I got to show for it was a Popeyes Spicy Chicken Sandwich. Oh, and a scar. But that was years ago, so I think they should release a Spicy Duck Sandwich—and when purchased, it would include a FREE knife.”
Source: Music is fluid, and my saxophone overflows when my ducks slosh in the sounds I make in elevators.
“I play golf like a machine. That machine is a tractor.”
Source: To be good at golf you must go full koala bear
“I have a golf swing like a Rosary dangling off a car's rearview mirror. I hope watching me play makes you realize Catholicism isn't for you.”
Source: To be good at golf you must go full koala bear
“When you think of stylish fashion designers, you probably think of Tom Ford, Donatella Versace, Giorgio Armani, and BearPaw Duck And Meme Farm. Wait, what? You don't think about the first three?”
Source: Duck Quotes For The Ages. Specifically ages 18-81.
“My Karate Chamber smells like sliced meat. I chopped it thin with my bare hands.”
Source: Whenever you're here, I'm there for you
“Twins are just two nearly identical drainage solutions. They are just a couple of septic systems.”
Source: Powdered Saxophone Music
“Inside jokes should never be inverted. That would make them outside jokes, and those often get carried away—mostly by the wind.”
Source: Eggs, they’re not just for breakfast
“Of all the animals that fly, some are like floating flowers (butterflies), some are songbirds that are full of gulp (swallows), and some are swimming birds that also run marathons (ducks). When I compose music to be performed live in an elevator, those are my inspirations.”
Source: Music is fluid, and my saxophone overflows when my ducks slosh in the sounds I make in elevators.
“All the potholes in the roads need to be filled. You should fill them with my homemade chicken noodle soup.”
Source: Whenever you're here, I'm there for you
“I must have told my cat I love him at least 123,456 times, but perceiving the words were just Noise Air, I liked to let my hands do my communicating. From my heart, down my arm, through my hand and into his body, each time I pet him I wanted him to feel my love.”
Source: Powdered Saxophone Music
“An elevator is a ride. It’s for thrill seekers and adrenaline junkies.”
Source: Whenever you're here, I'm there for you
“Golfing is a gateway drug to duck farming. Just being out in nature is addicting.”
Source: Music is fluid, and my saxophone overflows when my ducks slosh in the sounds I make in elevators.
“M.C. Escher called. He wanted to sell me some upside-down stairs. I said I already have a few, and then I got him to buy an upwalking slinky.”
Source: The Lewis and Clark of The Ozarks
“I'm a sculptor—on an excavator. I'm a Sculptavator. Or am I an Excavulptor?”
Source: Powdered Saxophone Music
“Along with ducks, I’m somewhat of a wine expert. I know there are three kinds of wine: Red, white, and pink, for those connoisseurs like me who mix the two for optimal chugging. I should be a sommelier and rent out my alcoholic grape juice experience to sophisticated buyers.”
Source: Music is fluid, and my saxophone overflows when my ducks slosh in the sounds I make in elevators.
“I like my duck eggs runny, like Roger Bannister when he broke the four-minute mile barrier.”
Source: One Out of Ten Dentists Agree: This Book Helps Fight Gingivitis. Maybe Tomorrow I’ll Ask Nine More Dentists.: A BearPaw Duck And Meme Farm Production
“Random book markers are time capsules. You stick them in the book you are reading and then set the book down and forget about it, sometimes for years. Receipts are the best, because they really show reality and how inflation has contributed to the collapse of America.”
Source: Whenever you're here, I'm there for you
“I used to be really fast at watching movies. If one flick was 90 minutes long, I would be done in an hour and a half. Now it might take me weeks to finish that same film.”
Source: Me and memes and memories
“Look up BearPaw Duck & Meme Farm. We're in The Phone Book. I know, because I actually found a copy and scribbled our contact information inside. Business is about to go the way of NASA's 1986 Challenger rocket.”
Source: BearPaw Duck And Meme Farm presents: Two Ducks Brawling Is A Pre-Pillow Fight
“A can of tomato soup has many uses. One of them is as a projectile through a window. Next time, buy some Condensed Duck Juice.”
Source: One Out of Ten Dentists Agree: This Book Helps Fight Gingivitis. Maybe Tomorrow I’ll Ask Nine More Dentists.: A BearPaw Duck And Meme Farm Production
“My favorite part about a wind farm is the invisible fruit that it yields. Plus, it's like a garden of giant metal flowers, and that's almost as romantic as a book composed exclusively of duck quotes.”
Source: Music is fluid, and my saxophone overflows when my ducks slosh in the sounds I make in elevators.
“I'm addicted to cheese. It's a real addiction, but I get no love like the alcoholics.”
Source: A Memoir of Memories and Memes
“I’m not a hillbilly. I’m more upscale. I’m a hillwilliam.”
Source: Whenever you're here, I'm there for you
“I wish I could extract thoughts from the past. I’d like to know what was on my mind as photos were statued in time.”
Source: Whenever you're here, I'm there for you
“A porcupine has fur like a fence. That makes it a good neighbor unto itself.”
Source: Whenever you're here, I'm there for you
“Liminal spaces deserve to be filled with Vaporwave. It's an auditory aesthetic that's fluid like time.”
Source: Me and memes and memories
“Dormant Twitter accounts are fascinating, because they are like historical fragments. Each tweet is a word sculpture shaped by a moment that has been preserved through time.”
Source: Me and memes and memories