Quotessence
Home / Authors / P. J. O'Rourke
P. J. O'Rourke

P. J. O'Rourke Quotes

Satirist

Filter quotes by topic

AllPeopleIfsFunnyGovernmentWorldThinkingPoliticalKnowsHumorousAmericaHumorYearsLibertyWayWantShouldLibertarianNeedsJournalismKind

Famous P. J. O'Rourke Quotes

“The people I see on bicycles look like organic-gardening zealots who advocate federal regulation of bedtime and want American foreign policy to be dictated by UNICEF. These people should be confined.”

PeopleWantShouldLooksModernPolicyForeign PolicyGardeningRegulationModern LifeConfinedBicycleBedtimeZealotUnicefAmerican Foreign Policy
Book:Republican Party Reptile: The Confessions, Adventures, Essays and (Other) Outrages of . . .
Create image

“A pleasant natural environment is a good - a luxury good, philosophical good, a moral goody-good, a good time for all. Whatever, we want it. If we want something, we should pay for it, with our labor or our cash. We shouldn't beg it, steal it, sit around wishing for it, or euchre the government into taking it by force.”

IfsWantShouldGovernmentForceWishNaturalPayMoralEnvironmentLaborPhilosophicalStealingLuxuryPleasantGood TimesCashWant SomethingNatural Environment
Book:All the Trouble in the World: The Lighter Side of Overpopulation, Famine, Ecological Disaster, Ethnic Hatred, Plague, and Poverty
Create image

“Then there was communism's weak-tea sister, socialism. Socialists maintained that we shouldn't take all the money away from all the people since all the people don't have money. We should take all the money away from only the people who make money. Then, when we run out of that, we could take more money from the people who...hey, wait! Where'd you people go? What do you mean you're "tax exiles in Monaco?"”

PeopleShouldMeanRunningWaitingTaxesWeakSocialismHeyCommunismTeaMaking MoneyMore MoneyExileMonaco
Book:The C.E.O. of the Sofa
Create image

“There's a current notion that you should "take charge of your disease." No thanks. I'm busy. I've got cancer. I'm willing to face having cancer. I'm not willing to face having cancer with homework. I promised Dr. Pipas and Dr. Zaki that I wouldn't show up with sheaves of printouts from the Internet containing everything on Wikipedia on malignancies. They each laughed with detectable notes of relief. Although I suspect my wife has made her way into the health blog ether. Fish oil pills, raw kelp, and other untoward substances started showing up on dinner plates after I was diagnosed.”

WayShouldMadeShowsFacesWifeWillingInternetDiseaseNotesNotionBusyCancerFishesCurrentsDinnerMy WifeOilThanksSubstanceReliefSuspectsLaughedPlatesDrsPillsBlogsHomeworkShowing UpContainingWikipediaMalignancyDinner Plates
Author:P. J. O'Rourke
Create image

“Gambling is so pervasive in Nevada that maybe the state should just go the whole hog. There'd be gum machines that dispensed chewing tobacco if you lost. You could gamble for the toilet paper in public bathroom stalls. And fill out Keno cards in an attempt to win cancer therapy at the hospital.”

IfsShouldStatesWholeWinningLostPaperMachinesCancerCardsTherapyGamblingHospitalsBathroomToiletsTobaccoGambleGumChewingHogToilet PaperLost YouNevadaChewing Tobacco
Author:P. J. O'Rourke
Create image

“Anyway, no drug, not even alcohol, causes the fundamental ills of society. If we're looking for the source of our troubles, we shouldn't test people for drugs, we should test them for stupidity, ignorance, greed and love of power.”

PeopleIfsShouldProblemCausesLibertyTroubleSocietyIgnoranceSourceDrugTestsAnd LoveFundamentalsDrinkingAddictionGreedIllStupidityLibertarianAlcoholAlcoholicsCocaineStupid PeopleDopeWar On DrugsDrugs And AlcoholDrinking AlcoholFunny AlcoholAlcohol DrinkingDrinking FunnyIgnorant PeopleStupidity And IgnoranceContrary To Popular BeliefLust For PowerPeople StupidityDon't Drink Alcohol
Book:Give War a Chance: Eyewitness Accounts of Mankind's Struggle Against Tyranny, Injustice, and Alcohol-Free Beer
Create image

“You know, if government were a product, selling it would be illegal. ... Government contains impure ingredients - as anybody who's looked at Congress can tell you. ... government practices deceptive advertising. And the merest glance at the federal budget is enough to convict the government of perjury, extortion, and fraud. ... in a nutshell: government should be against the law. Term limits aren't enough. We need jail.”

IfsKnowsNeedsShouldEnoughGovernmentWould BeLawPoliticalTermLibertyPracticeEconomicProductsLimitsEconomicsCongressSellingAdvertisingBudgetsIllegalJailIngredientsFraudGlancesDeceptiveConvictsTerm LimitsPerjuryExtortion
Author:P. J. O'Rourke
Create image

“The Tenth Commandment sends a message to socialists, to egalitarians, to people obsessed with fairness, to American presidential candidates in the year 2000 - to everyone who believes that wealth should be redistributed. And that message is clear and concise: Go to Hell.”

PeopleShouldYearsBelieveAmericaWealthLibertyHellClearEconomicMessagesEconomicsPresidentialObsessedCandidatesFairnessCommandmentsGo To HellPresidential CandidateAmerican PresidentConcise
Book:Eat the Rich: A Treatise on Economics
Create image

“We're told cars are wasteful. Wasteful of what? Oil did a lot of good sitting in the ground for millions of years. We're told cars should be replaced with mass transportation. But it's hard to reach the drive-through window at McDonald's from a speeding train. And we're told cars cause pollution. A hundred years ago city streets were ankle deep in horse excrement. What kind of pollution do you want? Would you rather die of cancer at eighty or typhoid fever at nine?”

WantShouldYearsKindHardDiesCausesCitiesLibertyMillionsStreetsCarMassHundredSittingYears AgoWindowHorseTrainCancerOilLibertarianNineLibertarianismPollutionReplacedEightyFeverTransportationMcdonaldsAnklesSpeedingCity StreetsOld CarTyphoid
Author:P. J. O'Rourke
Create image

“Children from the age of five to ten should watch more television. Television depicts adults as rotten SOB's given to fistfights, gunplay, and other mayhem. Kids who believe this about grownups aren't likely to argue about bedtime.”

ShouldBelieveChildrenHumorKidsAgeFunnyGivenWatchesFiveTelevisionBabyTenHumorousAdultsArguingRottenBedtimeGrownupsMayhem
Book:The Bachelor Home Companion: A Practical Guide to Keeping House Like a Pig
Create image

“If we're going to improve the environment, the first thing we should do is duck the government. The second thing we should do is quit being moral. Screw the rights of nature. Nature will have rights as soon as it get duties. The minute we see birds, trees, bugs, and squirrels picking up litter, giving money to charity, and keeping an eye on our kids at the park, we'll let them vote.”

IfsGivingShouldFirstsGovernmentEyeKidsMoralEnvironmentRightsTreeMinutesDutyBirdVoteCharityQuittingParksDucksScrewsBugsSquirrelsGiving Money
Book:All the Trouble in the World: The Lighter Side of Overpopulation, Famine, Ecological Disaster, Ethnic Hatred, Plague, and Poverty
Create image

“When a couple decides to divorce, they should inform both sets of parents before having a party and telling all their friends. This is not only courteous but practical. Parents may be very willing to pitch in with comments, criticism, and malicious gossip of their own to help the divorce along.”

ShouldMayHelpingParentPartyWillingCoupleCriticismDivorcePracticalsGossipCommentSingle LifeMaliciousCourteousMalicious Gossip
Book:Modern manners
Create image

“That doesn't mean that you should just sit back and just let accidents happen to you. No, you have to go out and cause them yourself. That way you're in control of the situation.”

WayShouldMeanHappensCausesSituationAccidentsCuteAccidents HappenCute Funny
Book:Republican Party Reptile: The Confessions, Adventures, Essays and (Other) Outrages of P. J. O'Rourke
Create image