p-j-orourke Quotes About humorous

“The Democrats are the party that says government will make you smarter, taller, richer, and remove the crabgrass on your lawn. The Republicans are the party that says government doesn't work and then they get elected and prove it.”

Government Political Politics Party Liberty Republican Prove Humorous Democrat Remove Smarter Lawns Prove It Urban Planning

Author:P. J. O'Rourke

“Cleanliness becomes more important when godliness is unlikely.”

Important Funny Laughter Humorous Witty Unlikely Criminal Mind Godliness Cleanliness

Author:P. J. O'Rourke

“Never fight an inanimate object.”

Life Funny Fighting Advice Objects Humorous Witty Martial Arts Inanimate Objects

Book:Modern Manners: An Etiquette Book for Rude People

Source: Modern Manners: An Etiquette Book for Rude People

“Making fun of born-again Christians is like hunting dairy cows with a high powered rifle and scope.”

Christian Fun Born Humorous Profound Atheist Insane Cows Hunting Scope Born Again Rifles Dairy Dairy Cows

Author:P. J. O'Rourke

“After all, what is your host's purpose in having a party? Surely not for you to enjoy yourself; if that were their sole purpose, they'd have simply sent champagne and women over to your place by taxi.”

Ifs Purpose Enjoy Party Food Laughter Humorous Sarcastic Host Sole Champagne Taxi Sparkling Enjoy Yourself Cocktail Parties Party Invitations

Author:P. J. O'Rourke

“Anyhow, all mankind's ideas and interests, all human aims and motives, are exhibited, fully formed, in a three-year-old child. The kid is just operating on a smaller scale and lacks the advantage of having made enormous soft-money campaign contributions to political candidates.”

Source: Thrown Under the Omnibus: A Reader

“Whatever the occasion, do not neglect alcohol. No other refreshment will do. Yes, alcohol kills brain cells, but it's very selective. It only kills the brain cells that contain good sense, shame, embarrassment, and restraint.”

Humor Funny Brain Drink Humorous Shame Wine Drinking Alcohol Cells Occasions Neglect Restraint Embarrassment Liquor Good Sense Selective Refreshments Brain Cells

Book:Thrown Under the Omnibus

Source: Thrown Under the Omnibus

“You can always reason with a German. You can always reason with a barnyard animal, too, for all the good it does.”

Doe Reason Animal Humorous Germany Sarcastic

Book:Holidays in Hell

Source: Holidays in Hell

“Some jobs are worse than actual wives. Ad agency vs. Matrimony, for instance: Even the most capricious and demanding spouse is not going to divorce you for refusing to spend forty hours a week making up lies about toilet paper.”

Source: The Bachelor Home Companion: A Practical Guide to Keeping House Like a Pig

“For toddlers I suggest leaving their mittens on year-round, indoors and out. That way they can't get into aspirin bottles, liquor cabinets, or boxes of kitchen matches.”

Way Years Children Humor Kids Funny Baby Humorous Leaving Rounds Boxes Kitchen Bottles Liquor Cabinets Toddler Aspirin Mittens

Book:The Bachelor Home Companion: A Practical Guide to Keeping House Like a Pig

Source: The Bachelor Home Companion: A Practical Guide to Keeping House Like a Pig

“Children from the age of five to ten should watch more television. Television depicts adults as rotten SOB's given to fistfights, gunplay, and other mayhem. Kids who believe this about grownups aren't likely to argue about bedtime.”

Source: The Bachelor Home Companion: A Practical Guide to Keeping House Like a Pig

“I was told to hand over my disposable lighter, to prevent, I suppose, any threat of "Do what I say or I'll light this Marlboro and you'll all die - in thirty years due to inhalation of secondhand smoke."”

Years Humor Hands Light Funny Dies Food Humorous Threat Dues Smoke Thirty Airline Thirty Years Lighters Disposable Air Travel Secondhand Smoke

Book:Peace Kills

Source: Peace Kills

“Modern air travel means less time spent in transit. That time is now spent in transit lounges.”

Mean Humor Funny Air Modern Food Humorous Airline Time Spent Air Travel

Book:Holidays in Hell

Source: Holidays in Hell

“America is not a wily, sneaky nation. We don't think that way. We don't think much at all, thank God. Start thinking and pretty soon you get ideas, and then you get idealism, and the next thing you know you've got ideology, with millions dead in concentration camps and gulags.”

Thinking Knows Way Ideas Funny America Next Nations Millions Humorous Ideology Concentration Camps Thank God Idealism Concentration Camp Sneaky Gulags

Author:P. J. O'Rourke

“This country is so urbanized we think low-fat milk comes from cows on Nutri/System weight-loss plans.”

Thinking Country Funny America Loss Plans Lows Humorous Weight Fats Milk Cows Weight Loss

Book:Thrown Under the Omnibus: A Reader

Source: Thrown Under the Omnibus: A Reader

“Each American embassy comes with two permanent features - a giant anti-American demonstration and a giant line for American visas. Most demonstrators spend half their time burning Old Glory and the other half waiting for green cards.”

Two Funny America Waiting Lines Half Glory Humorous Green Cards Burning Permanent Features Giants Demonstration Other Half Visa Embassy Anti-american Green Card Old Glory

Book:Holidays in Hell

Source: Holidays in Hell

“West Germans are tall, pink, pert and orthodontically corrected, with hands, teeth and hair as clean as their clothes and clothes as sharp as their looks. Except for the fact that they all speak English pretty well, they're indistinguishable from Americans.”

Wells Looks Facts Hands Funny America Speak Hair Clothes Humorous Clean West Teeth Tall Speak English

Book:Thrown Under the Omnibus

Source: Thrown Under the Omnibus

“The Arab peoples possess an ancient and highly developed civilization that is in many ways more sophisticated than our own. For instance, they invented algebra. And this is why we have to go to war with Saddam Hussein this minute and bomb the shish kebab out of him before he invents trig and chemistry and the whole of America flunks high school.”

Way War Whole School Funny America Minutes Civilization Humorous High School Ancient Instance Bombs Chemistry Sophisticated Saddam Hussein Algebra Kebabs

Book:Thrown Under the Omnibus

Source: Thrown Under the Omnibus

“I've always figured that if God wanted us to go to church a lot He'd have given us bigger behinds to sit on and smaller heads to think with.”

Ifs Thinking Humor Wanted Funny Given Church Behinds Humorous Bigger

Book:Holidays in Hell

Source: Holidays in Hell

“The Democrats said, "We don't know what's wrong with America, but we can fix it." The Republicans said, "There's nothing wrong with America, and we can fix that."”

Knows Said Humor Funny America Party Republican Humorous Democrat

Book:Parliament of Whores: A Lone Humorist Attempts to Explain the Entire U.S. Government

Source: Parliament of Whores: A Lone Humorist Attempts to Explain the Entire U.S. Government

“The Democrats planned to fiddle while Rome burned. The Republicans were going to burn Rome, then fiddle.”

Humor Funny Party Republican Humorous Democrat Rome Burned Fiddle

Book:Parliament of Whores: A Lone Humorist Attempts to Explain the Entire U.S. Government

Source: Parliament of Whores: A Lone Humorist Attempts to Explain the Entire U.S. Government

“France in August when you can travel through the entire country without encountering a single pesky Frenchman or being bothered with anything that's open for business.”

Country Funny Humorous France Bothered August Frenchmen

Book:Holidays in Hell

Source: Holidays in Hell

“East Germany was so total in its totalitarianism that everything was banned which wasn't compulsory.”

Humor Funny Humorous East Germany Totalitarianism Banned Compulsory East Germany

Book:Give War a Chance: Eyewitness Accounts of Mankind's Struggle Against Tyranny, Injustice, and Alcohol-Free Beer

Source: Give War a Chance: Eyewitness Accounts of Mankind's Struggle Against Tyranny, Injustice, and Alcohol-Free Beer

“Germans respond well to lies. At least, they always have historically.”

Wells Humor Funny Lying Humorous Germany

Book:Holidays in Hell

Source: Holidays in Hell

“The sky was so clear that the starlight cast shadows, and so many sparkles and glitters and glints appeared above us that it looked like something really expensive had been dropped and shattered in heaven - God's Steuben ashtray, maybe.”

God Humor Funny Heaven Clear Sky Humorous Shadow Casts Expensive Shattered Like Something Glitter Sparkle Starlight Ashtrays

Book:Thrown Under the Omnibus

Source: Thrown Under the Omnibus

“Passover is my idea of a perfect holiday. Dear God, when you're handing out plagues of darkness, locusts, hail, boils, flies, lice, frogs, and cattle murrain, and turning the Nile to blood, and smiting firstborn, give me a pass, and tell me when it's over.”

Giving Ideas God Humor Funny Perfect Darkness Blood Humorous Give Me Dear Holiday Plague Frogs Cattle Hail Dear God Nile Lice Handing Over

Book:Peace Kills

Source: Peace Kills

“If the Japanese want to be taken seriously as world financial powers, they'd better quit using the same tailor as variety show chimps.”

Ifs World Want Shows Funny Taken Humorous Financial Quitting Variety Japan Tailors

Book:Holidays in Hell

Source: Holidays in Hell

“The Russians could have some (warheads) aimed at Japan, so if we act up they can destroy our economy.”

Ifs Funny Economy Humorous Japan

Book:Holidays in Hell

Source: Holidays in Hell

“I can think of a number of areas in New York where three acres of nuclear waste would make the neighborhood safer to walk around in than it is now, and better lit.”

Thinking I Can Funny Three Walks Numbers New York Waste Humorous Areas Nuclear Neighborhood Lit Acres Nuclear Waste

Book:All the Trouble in the World: The Lighter Side of Overpopulation, Famine, Ecological Disaster, Ethnic Hatred, Plague, and Poverty

Source: All the Trouble in the World: The Lighter Side of Overpopulation, Famine, Ecological Disaster, Ethnic Hatred, Plague, and Poverty

“There are artists with palettes and easels selling the kind of modern art that Soviet art critics used to critique with bulldozers. Judging by the paintings I saw, the Soviets were right the first time.”

Firsts Kind Art Funny Used Artist Saws Modern Painting Judging Humorous First Time Critics Russia Selling Soviet Critique Palette Modern Art Bulldozers Art Critic

Author:P. J. O'Rourke

“I suspect the soviets never did want to use those bombs. The most Stalinist of Soviet hard-liners - Stalin, for example - must have realized a nuclear war would be a hard thing to clean up after.”

Want War Hard Use Would Be Funny Example Humorous Clean Nuclear Russia Bombs Suspects Soviet Hard Things Nuclear War

Book:Parliament of Whores: A Lone Humorist Attempts to Explain the Entire U.S. Government

Source: Parliament of Whores: A Lone Humorist Attempts to Explain the Entire U.S. Government

“It was to be a short visit for the G-shevs. More than four days in the U.S. and Raisa's VISA card bill would shatter the fragile Soviet economy.”

Funny Economy Four Humorous Bills Russia Cards Fragile Soviet Visa

Book:Holidays in Hell

Source: Holidays in Hell

“It had never occurred to us that the Kremlin's new anti-booze campaign would apply to journalists. Now, that's a human-rights violation.”

Humans Funny Rights Humorous Human Rights Campaigns Russia Journalist Violation Booze Kremlin

Book:Holidays in Hell

Source: Holidays in Hell

“The commies are the only people on earth who think Star Wars will work. If they're that gullible, maybe we should have held the summit at Atlantic City and let them lose all their missiles playing Keno.”

People Ifs Thinking Should War Earth Funny Stars Loses Cities Humorous Should Have Russia Summit Missiles Gullible Atlantic City

Book:Holidays in Hell

Source: Holidays in Hell

“Moscow has changed. I was here in 1982, during the Brezhnev twilight, and things are better now. For instance, they've got litter. In 1982 there was nothing to litter with.”

Funny Changed Humorous Russia Instance Twilight Moscow Better Now Brezhnev

Book:Give War a Chance: Eyewitness Accounts of Mankind's Struggle Against Tyranny, Injustice, and Alcohol-Free Beer

Source: Give War a Chance: Eyewitness Accounts of Mankind's Struggle Against Tyranny, Injustice, and Alcohol-Free Beer

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