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P. J. O'Rourke

P. J. O'Rourke Quotes

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Famous P. J. O'Rourke Quotes

“In general, life is better than it has ever been, and if you think that, in the past, there was some golden age of pleasure and plenty to which you would, if you were able, transport yourself, let me say one single word : Dentistry.”

IfsThinkingAgeAblePastLife IsPleasureHistoryHumourLet MeGoldenPlentyTransportGolden AgeSingle WordDentistry
Book:All the Trouble in the World: The Lighter Side of Overpopulation, Famine, Ecological Disaster, Ethnic Hatred, Plague, and Poverty
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“Remember that all tax revenue is the result of holding a gun to somebody's head. Not paying taxes is against the law. If you don't pay your taxes, you'll be fined. If you don't pay the fine, you'll be jailed. If you try to escape from jail, you'll be shot. ... Therefore, every time the government spends money on anything, you have to ask yourself, 'Would I kill my kindly, gray-haired mother for this?'”

IfsTryingGovernmentRememberLawMotherAsksResultsPayFineTaxesGunShotsJailGrayRevenuePaying Taxes
Author:P. J. O'Rourke
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“Everything on a boat has a different name than it would have if it weren't on a boat. Either this is ancient seafaring tradition or it's how people who mess around with boats try to impress the rest of us who actually finished college.”

PeopleIfsTryingDifferentNamesCollegeTraditionAncientFinishedBoatMessImpressDifferent Names
Book:Holidays in Hell: In Which Our Intrepid Reporter Travels to the World's Worst Places and Asks,
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“Human problems are complex. If something isn't complex it doesn't qualify as problematic. Very simple bad things are not worth troubling ourselves about.”

IfsHumansProblemSimpleComplexesBad ThingsHuman Problems
Book:All the Trouble in the World: The Lighter Side of Overpopulation, Famine, Ecological Disaster, Ethnic Hatred, Plague, and Poverty
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“A pleasant natural environment is a good - a luxury good, philosophical good, a moral goody-good, a good time for all. Whatever, we want it. If we want something, we should pay for it, with our labor or our cash. We shouldn't beg it, steal it, sit around wishing for it, or euchre the government into taking it by force.”

IfsWantShouldGovernmentForceWishNaturalPayMoralEnvironmentLaborPhilosophicalStealingLuxuryPleasantGood TimesCashWant SomethingNatural Environment
Book:All the Trouble in the World: The Lighter Side of Overpopulation, Famine, Ecological Disaster, Ethnic Hatred, Plague, and Poverty
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“Gambling is so pervasive in Nevada that maybe the state should just go the whole hog. There'd be gum machines that dispensed chewing tobacco if you lost. You could gamble for the toilet paper in public bathroom stalls. And fill out Keno cards in an attempt to win cancer therapy at the hospital.”

IfsShouldStatesWholeWinningLostPaperMachinesCancerCardsTherapyGamblingHospitalsBathroomToiletsTobaccoGambleGumChewingHogToilet PaperLost YouNevadaChewing Tobacco
Author:P. J. O'Rourke
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“Bachelors know all about parties. In fact, a good bachelor is a living, breathing party all by himself. At least that is what my girlfriend said when she found the gin bottles under the couch. I believe her exact words were, "You're a disgusting, drunken mess." And that's a good description of a party, if it's done right.”

IfsKnowsBelieveSaidDoneFactsFoundI BelievePartyMessBreathingGirlfriendDescriptionBottlesDisgustingCouchesMy GirlfriendBachelorsGin
Book:Thrown Under the Omnibus: A Reader
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“[Kurt] Vonnegut once said, if you ever want to know who somebody is... Like you look at Richard Nixon, or Adolf Hitler, or Ralph Nader, or anybody who seems like a difficult person to understand, and is therefore not part of the pattern of human behavior. Think about who they were in high school, and they will explain themselves to you. So we got a hold of, like, 50 high-school yearbooks, including my mom's from 1925 or something, and we discovered that they're all the same.”

IfsThinkingKnowsWantHumansLooksPersonsSaidSeemsSchoolDifficultLike YouMomBehaviorHigh SchoolIncludingPatternsMy MomHuman BehaviorYearbookHigh School Yearbook
Author:P. J. O'Rourke
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“I figured if I could put together being funny about stuff and actual events, maybe I could do something that wasn't being done much. Because the reporters that I met out there were funny, and they had hilarious stories that just didn't fit in the AP/UPI/New York Times foreign-correspondent style. They couldn't use the things they had. But I could.”

IfsDoneStoriesUseTogetherStuffStyleEventsNew YorkFitMetsIf I CouldReportersNew York TimesBeing DoneBeing Funny
Author:P. J. O'Rourke
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“I like the fact that they still run substantive pieces. I'm not sure I like the pieces, but it's nice that they do that. Anyway, it was always sort of ridiculous, me having anything to do with the youth culture, but now that I'm in my 50s, it's extra-double-ridiculous. They were losing interest in me, and I was losing interest in them. When I went to renegotiate my contract at Rolling Stone, I kind of halfheartedly asked if I could do half the work for half the money, and they asked if I could do two-thirds of the work for half the money. I ran that by my agent, since he can do math.”

IfsKindStillsTwoFactsRunningCultureInterestCan DoHalfPiecesNiceYouthLosingStonesThirdsMathRidiculousAgentsRanNot SureExtrasIf I CouldContractsRollingRolling StonesYouth CultureLosing Interest
Author:P. J. O'Rourke
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“I buy a tractor two years ago, and four-fifths of the tractor manual is about not tipping over, not raising the bucket high enough to hit high-tension wire... not killing yourself, basically. And in that manual, I found out - and it cost me a thousand dollars - that when the tractor is new, 10 hours into use of the tractor, you have to re-torque the lug nuts. If you don't, you will oval the holes. This is buried between the moron warnings. I never found it. I take the tractor in for its regular servicing, and they say my wheels are gone. How am I supposed to know that? "It's in the manual."”

IfsKnowsYearsTwoEnoughUseFoundHoursGoneFourCostThousandYears AgoDollarsKillingHolesTensionWheelsTwo YearsBuriedWarningNutsWireManualsMoronBucketsTippingKilling YourselfOvalTwo Years AgoTractorsTorque
Author:P. J. O'Rourke
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“If I do, I say so. That's the only way out of that. If there are three words that need to be used more in American journalism, commentary, politics, personal life... it's the magic words "I don't know." I mean, there are certain basic principles, like the dignity of the individual and the individual's responsibility, and certain basic economic principles, like how when something costs less, more of it will be consumed... There are certain things that I feel pretty confident about.”

IfsKnowsWayNeedsFeelsMeanUsedCertainThreeIndividualResponsibilityPrinciplesMagicEconomicCostDignityJournalismPersonal LifeConsumedCommentaryBasic PrinciplesThree WordsMagic Words
Author:P. J. O'Rourke
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“It doesn't matter how many televisions and computers and pieces of stereo equipment the Chinese send to us, even if they're sending them to us only in return for some funny, little, green pieces of paper. That is a balanced trade. They got what they wanted: the green pieces of paper. We got what we wanted: the plush toys, the computers, the stereo components.”

IfsLittlesMatterWantedPiecesTelevisionReturnPaperComputerGreenTradeChineseToysBalancedEquipmentComponents
Author:P. J. O'Rourke
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“Anyway, no drug, not even alcohol, causes the fundamental ills of society. If we're looking for the source of our troubles, we shouldn't test people for drugs, we should test them for stupidity, ignorance, greed and love of power.”

PeopleIfsShouldProblemCausesLibertyTroubleSocietyIgnoranceSourceDrugTestsAnd LoveFundamentalsDrinkingAddictionGreedIllStupidityLibertarianAlcoholAlcoholicsCocaineStupid PeopleDopeWar On DrugsDrugs And AlcoholDrinking AlcoholFunny AlcoholAlcohol DrinkingDrinking FunnyIgnorant PeopleStupidity And IgnoranceContrary To Popular BeliefLust For PowerPeople StupidityDon't Drink Alcohol
Book:Give War a Chance: Eyewitness Accounts of Mankind's Struggle Against Tyranny, Injustice, and Alcohol-Free Beer
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“If you are young and you drink a great deal it will spoil your health, slow your mind, make you fat - in other words, turn you into an adult.”

IfsMindYoungTurnsDealsDrinkAdultsDrinkingAlcoholFatsAlcoholicsSpoilLiquorDrinking AlcoholFunny DrinkingGreat DrinkingFunny AlcoholAlcohol DrinkingDrinking FunnyGreat AlcoholAlcohol AddictionLiquor FunnyDrinking With Friends
Book:Modern Manners: An Etiquette Book for Rude People
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“There is no virtue in compulsory government charity, and there is no virtue in advocating it. A politician who portrays himself as "caring" and "sensitive" because he wants to expand the government's charitable programs is merely saying that he's willing to try to do good with other people's money. Well, who isn't? And a voter who takes pride in supporting such programs is telling us that he'll do good with his own money - if a gun is held to his head.”

PeopleIfsWantTryingWellsGovernmentLibertyVirtueWillingPridePoliticianGunProgramEconomicsCharityCaringLibertarianSensitiveVotersLibertarianismFreedom And LibertyFreedom LibertyCharitableAdvocatingCompulsoryGovernment ProgramsWilling To Try
Author:P. J. O'Rourke
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“If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it's free.”

IfsThinkingInspirationalHumorCarePoliticalWaitingLibertyCostEconomicsLibertarianCommunismHealth CareLiberalismExpensiveLibertarianismFreedom And LibertyFreedom LibertyLaissez FaireLibertarian PartyEconomic FreedomLimited FreedomGreat Libertarian
Book:Age and Guile Beat Youth, Innocence, and a Bad Haircut
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