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P. J. O'Rourke

P. J. O'Rourke Quotes

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Famous P. J. O'Rourke Quotes

“People are all exactly alike. There's no such thing as a race and barely such a thing as an ethnic group. If we were dogs, we'd be the same breed. George Bush and an Australian Aborigine have fewer differences than a Lhasa apso and a toy fox terrier. A Japanese raised in Riyadh would be an Arab. A Zulu raised in New Rochelle would be an orthodontist. People are all the same, though their circumstances differ terribly.”

PeopleIfsWould BeDifferencesRaceGroupsDogCircumstancesRaisedFewerToysFoxesAustralianEthnic GroupsTerriersRiyadh
Author:P. J. O'Rourke
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“A fruit is a vegetable with looks and money. Plus, if you let fruit rot, it turns into wine, something brussel sprouts never do.”

IfsLooksFunnyTurnsFoodCookingWineFruitCulinaryPlusVegetablesSproutsEating FoodFruits And VegetablesFunny FoodFood And EatingItalian FoodDelicious FoodItalian CookingFun FoodFood CultureBrussel Sprouts
Book:The Bachelor Home Companion: A Practical Guide to Keeping House Like a Pig
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“The preamble to the Constitution states: "We, the People of the United States, in Order to form a more perfect Union, establish Justice, insure domestic Tranquillity, provide for the common defence, promote the general welfare..." It doesn't say "guarantee the general welfare." And it certainly doesn't say "give welfare benefits to all the people in the country who aren't doing so well even if the reason they aren't doing so well is because they're sitting on their butts in front of the TV".”

PeopleIfsGivingWellsCountryStatesReasonFormOrderJusticePerfectUnitedCommonUnited StatesFrontsTvsBenefitsSittingConstitutionUnionsWelfareGuaranteesDefenceTranquillityGeneral WelfarePreamble
Author:P. J. O'Rourke
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“Getting down on all fours and imitating a rhinoceros stops babies from crying. (Put an empty cigarette pack on your nose for a horn and make loud "snort" noises.) I don't know why parents don't do this more often. Usually it makes the kid laugh. Sometimes it sends him into shock. Either way it quiets him down. If you're a parent, acting like a rhino has another advantage. Keep it up until the kid is a teenager and he definitely won't have his friends hanging around your house all the time.”

IfsKnowsWayInspirationalSometimesKidsHouseParentActingLaughingCryBabyMomAdvantageEmptyNoiseTeenagerNosesLoudShockCigarettePacksHornsMy BabyImitatingHaving A BabyHanging AroundFunny ParentingFunny ParentRhinocerosFoursRhinos
Author:P. J. O'Rourke
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“You know, if government were a product, selling it would be illegal. ... Government contains impure ingredients - as anybody who's looked at Congress can tell you. ... government practices deceptive advertising. And the merest glance at the federal budget is enough to convict the government of perjury, extortion, and fraud. ... in a nutshell: government should be against the law. Term limits aren't enough. We need jail.”

IfsKnowsNeedsShouldEnoughGovernmentWould BeLawPoliticalTermLibertyPracticeEconomicProductsLimitsEconomicsCongressSellingAdvertisingBudgetsIllegalJailIngredientsFraudGlancesDeceptiveConvictsTerm LimitsPerjuryExtortion
Author:P. J. O'Rourke
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“Collectivism doesn't work because it's based on a faulty economic premise. There is no such thing as a person's "fair share" of wealth. The gross national product is not a pizza that must be carefully divided because if I get too many slices, you have to eat the box. The economy is expandable and, in any practical sense, limitless.”

IfsPersonsWealthLibertyEconomyShareEconomicProductsFairsBoxesLibertarianPracticalsDividedLibertarianismGrossLimitlessPremisesPizzaCollectivismFair Share
Author:P. J. O'Rourke
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“[T]he Clinton administration launched an attack on people in Texas because those people were religious nuts with guns. Hell, this country was founded by religious nuts with guns. Who does Bill Clinton think stepped ashore on Plymouth Rock? Peace Corps volunteers? Or maybe the people in Texas were attacked because of child abuse. But, if child abuse was the issue, why didn't Janet Reno tear-gas Woody Allen?”

PeopleIfsThinkingChildrenDoeCountryReligiousHellIssuesRocksTearsGunAbuseBillsClintonAdministrationGasTexasNutsChild AbuseVolunteerGun ControlWoodyPeace CorpsPlymouthPlymouth Rock
Book:Age and Guile Beat Youth, Innocence, and a Bad Haircut
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“Imagine if all of life were determined by majority rule. Every meal would be a pizza. Every pair of pants, even those in a Brooks Brothers suit, would be stone-washed denim. Celebrity diet and exercise books would be the only thing on the shelves at the library. And - since women are a majority of the population - we'd all be married to Mel Gibson.”

IfsLifeBookWould BeDemocracyImagineBrotherExerciseMarriedStonesMajorityLibraryPopulationDeterminedSuitsDietsMealsPairsPantsShelvesBeing MarriedPizzaBrooksDemocracies HaveDenimMajority RuleDiet And ExerciseBrooks Brothers
Book:Thrown Under the Omnibus
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“There's no telling what might have happened to our defense budget if Saddam Hussein hadn't invaded Kuwait that August and set everyone gearing up for World War II. Can we count on Saddam Hussein to come along every year and resolve our defense-policy debates? Given the history of the Middle East, it's possible.”

IfsWorldYearsWarMightGivenHappenedMiddlePolicyDefenseEastDebateBudgetsWar Of The WorldsResolveWorld War IiMiddle EastWorld War ISaddamHusseinAugustKuwaitGearing UpPolicy Debate
Book:Parliament of Whores: A Lone Humorist Attempts to Explain the Entire U.S. Government
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“The government is huge, stupid, greedy and makes nosy, officious and dangerous intrusions into the smallest corners of life - this much we can stand. But the real problem is that government is boring. We could cure or mitigate the other ills Washington visits on us if we could only bring ourselves to pay attention to Washington itself. But we cannot.”

IfsRealProblemGovernmentPayAttentionDangerousStupidHugeCornersBoringCuresPay AttentionSmallestGreedyReal ProblemsIntrusion
Book:Parliament of Whores: A Lone Humorist Attempts to Explain the Entire U.S. Government
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“Now majority rule is a precious, sacred thing worth dying for. But like other precious, sacred things .... it's not only worth dying for; it can make you wish you were dead. Imagine if all life were determined by majority rule. Every meal would be a pizza.”

IfsWould BeWishDemocracyImagineDyingElectionSacredMajorityDeterminedMealsCynicalPizzaWish YouMajority RuleSacred ThingsThings Worth Dying For
Book:Thrown Under the Omnibus
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“I believe that Western civilization, after some disgusting glitches, has become almost civilized. I believe it is our first duty to protect that civilization. I believe it is our second duty to improve it. I believe it is our third duty to extend it if we can.”

IfsFirstsBelieveI BelieveDutyCivilizationProtectThirdsWesternCivilizedDisgustingWestern CivilizationGlitches
Book:Give War a Chance: Eyewitness Accounts of Mankind's Struggle Against Tyranny, Injustice, and Alcohol-Free Beer
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“The real slums are another matter. The bad parts of Tondo are as bad as any place I've seen, ancient, filthy houses swarmed with the poor and stinking of sewage and trash. But there are worse parts - squatter areas where people live under cardboard, in shipping crates, behind tacked-up newspapers. Dad would march you straight to the basement with a hairbrush in his hand if he caught you keeping your hamster cage like this.”

PeopleIfsRealMatterHandsHousePoorBehindsDadAreasAncientCaughtNewspapersMarchCagesTrashBasementsFilthySlumsShippingHamstersSewageSquatters
Book:Republican Party Reptile: The Confessions, Adventures, Essays and (Other) Outrages of . . .
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“Health care is too expensive, so the Clinton administration is putting a high-powered coporate lawyer - Hillary - in charge of making it cheaper. (This is what I always do when I want to spend less money - hire a lawyer from Yale.) If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it's free.”

IfsThinkingWantCareWaitingCostClintonLawyerAdministrationHealth CareExpensiveCheaperYale
Book:Age and Guile Beat Youth, Innocence, and a Bad Haircut
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“If we're going to improve the environment, the first thing we should do is duck the government. The second thing we should do is quit being moral. Screw the rights of nature. Nature will have rights as soon as it get duties. The minute we see birds, trees, bugs, and squirrels picking up litter, giving money to charity, and keeping an eye on our kids at the park, we'll let them vote.”

IfsGivingShouldFirstsGovernmentEyeKidsMoralEnvironmentRightsTreeMinutesDutyBirdVoteCharityQuittingParksDucksScrewsBugsSquirrelsGiving Money
Book:All the Trouble in the World: The Lighter Side of Overpopulation, Famine, Ecological Disaster, Ethnic Hatred, Plague, and Poverty
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“Even a band of angels can turn ugly and start looting if enough angels are unemployed and hanging around the Pearly Gates convinced that all the succubi own all the liquor stores in Heaven.”

IfsEnoughTurnsHeavenBandAngelUglyConvincedStoresGatesLiquorUnemployedHanging AroundLootingLiquor StoresPearly Gates
Book:Parliament of Whores: A Lone Humorist Attempts to Explain the Entire U.S. Government
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“If libertarianism were easy to explain, and it weren't easy to exaggerate the effects of libertarianism, I think it would have been done already. Many many very intelligent people have applied themselves to crafting an agenda that people could grab ahold of. But the problem of course is that libertarianism isn't political. It is kind of anti-political. It wants to take a lot of things out of the political arena.”

PeopleIfsThinkingWantKindHas BeensDoneProblemPoliticalCoursesEasyEffectsIntelligentAgendasLibertarianismArenaAnti Political
Author:P. J. O'Rourke
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“Newsmen believe that news is a tacitly acknowledged fourth branch of the federal system. This is why most news about government sounds as if it were federally mandated -- serious, bulky and blandly worthwhile, like a high-fiber diet set in type.”

IfsBelieveGovernmentSoundSeriousTypeNewsJournalismDietsBranchesWorthwhileFourthFiber
Book:Parliament of Whores: A Lone Humorist Attempts to Explain the Entire U.S. Government
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“I wonder if it changes the nature of a society for beauty to be so common. Maybe in Vietnam "She has a wonderful personality" really means something. But I couldnt figure out a polite way to ask.”

IfsWayLoveMeanAsksCommonWonderWonderfulFiguresPersonalityVietnamPoliteReally Mean
Book:All the Trouble in the World: The Lighter Side of Overpopulation, Famine, Ecological Disaster, Ethnic Hatred, Plague, and Poverty
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“Now for good or ill, California is the place where trends tend to be set in Western civilization - if civilization indeed it is. California, for several generations now, has been the newest, biggest, most experimental place in the newest, biggest, most experimental part of liberal Western capitalism - which is itself a new experiment for mankind.”

IfsWorldHas BeensAmericaGenerationsModernMankindCivilizationCapitalismWesternIllExperimentsCaliforniaTrendsModern WorldWestern Civilization
Author:P. J. O'Rourke
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“There was also a hunger strike in front of the National Press Club, which seemed an odd place to have a hunger strike (a cocktail fast, maybe). Although the Bangladeshis were savvy enough to know to know that if you're going to pester journalists, don't go to where they work: You'll never find them there.”

IfsKnowsEnoughFunnyFrontsPressesHungerClubsStrikesJournalismJournalistOddCocktailsSavvyHunger Strike
Book:All the Trouble in the World: The Lighter Side of Overpopulation, Famine, Ecological Disaster, Ethnic Hatred, Plague, and Poverty
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“If a journalist shows a facility for praise he's liable to be offered a job in public relations or advertising and the next thing you know he's got a big office, a huge salary and is living in a fine home with a lovely wife and swell kids - another career blown to hell.”

IfsKnowsShowsHomeBigsKidsFunnyJobsNextCareersHellWifeHugeFineOfficeRelationPraiseLovelyAdvertisingJournalismJournalistSalaryFacilityLiablePublic RelationsLovely Wife
Book:Give War a Chance: Eyewitness Accounts of Mankind's Struggle Against Tyranny, Injustice, and Alcohol-Free Beer
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“Oh, God. The Sixties are coming back. Well I've got a 12-gauge double-barreled duck gun chambered for three-inch Magnum shells. And - speaking strictly for this retired hippie and former pinko beatnik - if the Sixties head my way, they won't get past the porch steps. They will be history. Which, for chrissakes, is what they're supposed to be.”

IfsWayWellsPastThreeStepsHistoryGunFormerMy WaySupposed To BeDucksInchesSixtyShellsComing BackRetiredHippiePorchGaugesBeatnik
Author:P. J. O'Rourke
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“Asia is the continent rhythm forgot. At best Asian music is off-brand American pop, like Sonny Bono in a karaoke bar. At worst Asian music sounds as if a truck full of wind chimes collided with a stack of empty oil drums during a birdcall contest.”

IfsSoundWorstWindMusic IsEmptyPopsOilBarsRhythmBrandsContinentsContestsAsiaTruckAsianKaraokeChimes
Book:All the Trouble in the World: The Lighter Side of Overpopulation, Famine, Ecological Disaster, Ethnic Hatred, Plague, and Poverty
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